20 years

Last night was my 20 year high school reunion. I mean 20 years has past since high school. To say I feel freaking old is an understatement, it feels like only yesterday. As the date approached my anxiety grew, bad memories of high school plagued me. Dreams of turning up and no one recognises you, No one talks to you or even worse! I know right, crazy thoughts but high school was a tough place where even when on the outside you seem to have your shit together inside you were still small and insecure. 

So last night happened and wow, it was great! I recognised 99% of people and everyone was beautiful. No one has really changed physically but we are all adults now and amazingly human! We all laughed and talked about life. There was no pissing competitions about “how great my life is” or “I’m better than you” going on. 

I may have fan girled over one of my school friends working on a tv channel that I absolutely love, sorry Gill! This reunion is one reason why social media is great, I feel like I knew so much about everyone. It made conversations easy as we although not close in real life, are still relevant in each other’s lives, no matter what paths our lives have taken. 

Last night was proof we all grow and evolve. That who we were in high school does not define our lives and that once you get to our stages in life we can all find common ground on bad parenting, work and love. See you all soon x

slept it off

I sit here in the passenger seat of the car as smells like teen spirit plays around me because my teenage daughter has been imprinted with our music. I'm reflecting on the last twenty four hours and wondering what the fuck happened. 

Work was crazy yesterday filled with drama which thankfully was nothing to do with me. I got home crazy tired as usual for a Friday, with packing for the snow to be done. This is where the day went completely south! My girls had packed there bags and I seconded guessed them being pack properly for cold conditions. My thoughts were confirmed when I find minimal clothes in one bag, summer outfits in another and dirty socks with umteen jackets in the third bag! My sense of control was lost and the yelling began over what the hell were they thinking. 

Then the guilt came as an aftermath. I had screamed like a lunatic, maybe even dropped the F bomb which I am not proud of. Tears streamed down my face as I hide in my bathroom trying to figure out how other mothers do it. How do they be everything to everyone? How do they never loose their crap? How they juggle work, family and the house and still have time for themselves? 

The girls, like most kids I imagine, were sorry but didn't really understand why mummy was not happy. They went to bed all still saying I love you and I went to bed feeling like to worst mummy ever. Sleep came to me with some strange dreams which I expected. We awake to head to the snow and the girls act as though nothing has occurred only 12 hours earlier. They laugh and giggle and snuggle into us when they get up. 

My heart is happy they seem to still love me but my head struggles trying to work out how to fix my short comings. But how? I'm human and kids/parenting doesn't come with a handbook. So as I sit here and turn and look at my girls all reading or singing I know that sleeping on it and letting go is how you have to handle the guilt of not being amazing all the time. Next stop snow fields. 

Its time

Hello old friend. A friend I haven't seen or talked to in a long while. I have missed you so much but every time I would want to check in with you my voice would seem to fade. Almost become mute to share anything about me. Unable to reach out and say hello. Our friendship has been on rocky terrain and it had nothing to do with you it was all me! Ever since we became friends at one of my darkest moments, my voice got tired. Tired of sharing my one sided story. I started to feel very exposed in this place.

My friendship with my blog has been at almost a Mexican stand off. I would start to write and then stop for a silly fear of why should I share. I love writing, it was something I never enjoyed in my teen years. In the last few weeks my need to be friends again and write about my about my life, my internal ramblings and just plain shitfull parenting has been almost screaming at me. 

Our girls are all growing and changing now at a rapid pace. Life's lessons are starting to happen and teaching them how to handle really hard and sometimes hurtful situations are seeming the norm at the moment. I seriously after dealing with two things tonight, looked at the dog and thought we should have just had dogs. 

Being a parent is like trying to navigate a foreign planets terrain with no map. The girls issues are so very real to them and if we handle them wrong it may affect their life choices. Their hearts are starting to learn that not everyone is who they seem to be, not everyone is nice and most importantly not everyone will like them. This last point I think hurts them the most as they just want to be friends with everyone. 

I know that last point has plagued my life. I struggle still not understanding someone hating another without truly knowing that person. Anyway, working 40+ hours a week, juggling a house still under construction, 4 girls full of emotion and still finding time to love on my man candy feels more like a game of dodge ball than gracefull juggling. 

Talk again soon....