A Day for him...

As i sit here tonight i cant help but find myself reflecting on what tomorrow is all about. It's Fathers day and it is a day where Daddy's all around the world are celebrated. As a little girl you look to you Dad to be the strong, protector, provider, friend and the head of the family and as you become an adult you still want these qualities in your life partner. Qualities that you want for yourself and you need for your children.

Tonight I find myself thinking of how lucky i got when i found the man i married. This man is all i could have ever wanted in a husband and father. He is our everything. He does more than any other father i know. He never backs away from anything when it comes to our girls. I love watching them together. The girls look up to him in away that makes you think there is more that they are saying in their eyes. My girls love his routine things, like tickles at bedtime.

This is me telling you Martin, that we love you more than anything. You make our world turn. You always think of us and are always picking up the pieces when they fall. We would be lost without you and you shouldn't ever think we don't notice all that you do. So my want for tomorrow is a day where you are relaxed, feel completely loved and spoiled. A day of good food (which you kindly prepared), great friends and family time. We love you, I love you. Happy Fathers day to the best daddy in the world to us.

100%

I sit here tonight realising that I'm now 100% honest with the people i have in my life. I don't pretend to be more or less. I don't say i like something if i don't. I don't try and be anything other than me for the person I'm with. I admit if I'm sad, happy, worried and excited.

As i stood talking to a friend this morning for more than an hour while i worked, i made this connection in my core. I admitted feelings that going back only a short time ago i wouldn't have for fear of ridicule, laughter or would not have been heard. So i just wouldn't share. This i now know is not the way we should be with each other. I am now finding that if you are truly honest about yourself, people seem to respond in a positive way.

This as with many other things that i have seem to open my eyes about. As i have said before I'm a work in progress, which means i haven't given up on being 100% in and about me! Next week i go back to the head doctor, which to be honest is going to be a very gutting hour, but that's a story for next week.

 Things happen for a reason, and I'm thinking that the powers that be made sure i changed my ways. Life is about living not about just existing.  Some days I'm still existing, but my core fights to the surface and lives another day....

Cowardly lion

Courage.... It's something we all have but under rate as most of us never think of it being an issue in our day to day lives. This was me up until a month ago. I didn't lack confidence to do anything least of all normal day to day things, but now as embarrassing as it is to admit, I'm scared!
Scared to do so many things.

My courage has been crushed. I have let this happen to me by not standing tall on what i am and what i have put out there. Even though I do blame it on specific events, ultimately I'm the one letting me be like this. My lack of courage has made me a prisoner in my mind, prisoner in my workplace and a prisoner in my own town. It scares me to go outside at work by myself. Who does that?  It's crazy behaviour and i just cant stop myself from doing it.

This is hard on Marty and the girls. They are missing out on things because i just cant face my fear! Marty is struggling to understand his wife that he tells me is strong and confident be a scared little girl! He is trying so hard not to push me and i thank him for that but i feel I'm not being fair on him or my girls. How do i find it? How do i jump back on the horse? How do you face your fear and not crumple into a heap? I'm trapped and my head is a very strange place!

So each day is baby steps towards the freedom that awaits me on the other side of the doors. Each day I'm trying to trick my crazy head that I'm OK and just take another step. Hopefully i can do this for my girls in the coming weeks so they don't miss out on the show because their scared Mummy cant face her demons. I'm sure they will hold my hand and Marty will be the back bone i need to get through it.

I'm the cowardly lion in the Wizard of Oz. I want someone to give me my courage but like you all know, it's already there i just have to find it again!

Tuesday Tunes

Today I came across a quote that read "music is what feelings sound like", this I find to be one of the most accurate things I have heard for a while. 

How often do you here a song that relates to something you are going through? How often does a song help you to feel better? How often does a song remind you of a moment in your life that you never want to forget?

This for me is true. I here certain songs and they take me to some of my most happiest and saddest moments. I'm there again, in that moment! Feeling all those feelings good and bad. Like the feeling of the first time a boy breaks your heart or when your soul mate promises to be your shelter for the rest of his days.  

The moment one of my beautiful girls came into the world a jack Johnson song was playing and every time I hear it, the memory of her coming into this crazy world appears behind my eyes and tears fall from them!

I love music, I don't have a 'type' as such as that would mean I could potentially miss out on music that may touch me. I love music that evokes thought, feeling and memories. I just missed the boat when it came to musical talent, can't sing or play an instrument. Always wanted to be the lead singer or the drummer. Had a picture in my head of how I would look lol. Short leather skirt, fish nets, army boots, black hair and red lipstick, I know I have over thought it some what!

So today we had a young busker at the shop as a start to a busking arvo once a week.  She was fantastic. She could tell the story of the songs so well. No matter what she was singing you could feel the emotion it talked of. A sign of a true artist. 

Today brought me joy to see a young girl sing in our shop. It brought joy to see people young and old truly enjoy her music. It made me happy to be able to have something to offer to another human being. Music is a beautiful thing and life without it would make me very lost! So music is what feelings sound like to me. 

Bx

August Already!

Wow this year has flown. Next Christmas is closer than the last one. My girls are heading towards another year older, this year will be my 13th wedding anniversary and i will have spent 18 years with my best friend & lover!

So now that its August, time to start thinking about spring and all that it offers. Time to think of Christmas and what you will buy everyone! Time to think about what you have and haven't achieved this year and if you haven't started your dreams then time to start!

This week coming has a feeling of change on the horizon. You know when you have a heap of nervous energy and you just know in the pit of your stomach that what you wake up with in the morning might not be what you take home that night. It has a feeling of excitement for the mutual thought pattern that Marty and i have about our future. We are totally on the same page and this is a hugely humbling feeling.

We arrived at the end of the week with a big change of thought about the type of house we are going to build on our block. Our original plan was to build a shed, move into said shed and build our house and then i went and had a change of thought back to one of our original ideas. This shocked me the most as i was sort of scared about it originally as it is very outside the box. So tomorrow we are talking to council to not ask what they need, but more ask how they can help us achieved our dream. How they can guide us to see our quirky idea come to life.

So with 3 weeks left of winter and Spring starting to show its face within our gardens and paddocks. I am going to enjoy these last weeks of hibernation before the flowers start to bloom fully, and the sun starts to warm you back up to the core. I'm going to enjoy the changes that are coming in nature, life and with myself.  Spring is coming and i'm looking forward to it!

How do you solve a problem like E

When the twins came along in a rush, we had 4 beautiful girls under 3.5years. I don't think we knew just how hard it was going to be, how busy we would be and how juggling all those personalities would be so confronting at times. As our girls grew our family dynamics with them were constantly changing, things started to become interesting. Each learning different things to reach those ever so important milestones. These milestones bring joy and a sense of pride as a parent.

Things get interesting when one starts to not meet those milestones. When she has a twin sister who is meeting them and even exceeding them. When she is not coping in many situations that her sister does. When she has melt downs over everything and is angry 80% of the time. To us we started looking into how to help this little angel that was a beautiful, happy baby that smiled always. I missed her! I still miss her when her world seems to get to hard for her.

She is one of four of the most amazing things i have ever done in my life.  She is my baby, even though she was a twin. Miss Em was the smallest, sickest and also the strongest little person i have ever met. I think she will always be the smallest in our family, she has my side of the genes! We worked out when she was three that she was affected hugely by diet. Certain colour, additives and preservatives affect her personality. This was so frustrating at the start, especially since she was breastfeed until she was 14months old, solids were delayed until after 6 months, you know all the things the books tell us to, even after two other babies.

So today she and her twin sister are 6.5years old. They are meeting their learning milestones, but poor Emerson still is battling her demons. Some days are better, where this beautiful little person reveals herself to us but on other days like today, this angry little girl appears and until she lets it all out there is no making sense of her. She gets so upset that she thinks we don't love her and she starts to hate herself. This is heart breaking to witness as all i want to do is help her and make the world make sense for her!

Our job over the last few years has been trying to find ways to make her happy 80% of the time and not the other way around. This job will continue until we help our beautiful little girl grow and become the amazing young lady we know she can be. We as parents have a huge job when bringing a child into the world. We are teachers, providers, listeners, friends and above all else we are two warm arms to call home when life just gets to much. So tomorrow is another day and we will have new things to learn, deal with and laugh about.

The Block Unlocked

On this beautiful Sunday i was woken by my gorgeous husband serving me a cup of tea. He had set his alarm so we didn't sleep in as our girls had slept over at Nanny and Poppy's the night before. Marty knew i wanted to spend the day at the block playing and planning. We had made sure the washing was all done and that there was really nothing that needed to be done at home so we would be able to relax.

This was not a normal start to our Sundays, they normal consisted of a big sleep in, getting out of our PJ's after noon and lots and lots of washing. So we set off to pick the girls up with the car packed with enough food and water for the day. This was also the first time we had taken 'the Boys' (our dogs) to the block. We were excited to see how they would go being up there, as there is no boundary fencing except for the back and the front!

We arrived and from the moment we drove through the gate, my body just became calm and stress free. Time just seem to slow. Time for laughing, time for play, time for chatting and time for rest. My day then consisted of setting 2 big piles of wood on fire that needed clearing and working out where needs to be cleared for our house. I looked around and found myself creating areas of enjoyment in the garden i was creating in my head. An area for a fire pit for serious marsh mellow toasting, an area for a bench seat for an afternoon cuppa and a rock garden that already has its makings in the rocks. I found myself picturing certain trees in certain spots.

All of us found it hard to leave this afternoon, but as the sun was setting to a beautiful red and night was taking its place in the day we had to say good bye for now. Until next weekend at least!