Tainted heart

I always try to be a good human. I give what I can and will always offer to help someone in need. Over the last two years my heart has been tainted over and over again by the selfishness of some. Although I let my heart be shattered back in 2013 I vowed to heal that wound and to still be me, but that comes with a price. It makes me a little weak and I never truly stand up to the selfish. I give in. Over and over again. 

I have had people blame me for their problems. I have had some just turn their backs because I am no longer at their beckon call.  Then their are the ones that share terrible thoughts of suicide with me to only throw my kindness back in my face. 

No ones life is clean and neat and easy. Life is messy and full of intricate facts that from the outside looking in no one sees. It hurts to be abused when you have done nothing but be kind to someone. Letting them walk all over you and never standing up and saying what you feel. I'm soft, it's a fact I can no longer hide from. I'm not strong enough to handle the selfish people in the world but I can make a pack with myself on how to handle these things. 

My Pack is to just dismiss these people from being able to contact me. I am ok with saying I just can't handle the behaviour from them. This is me being kind to myself and not accepting the bad treatment from some that are so caught up in themselves they fail to see their short comings and promises they have made. 

This is the strength I will go with. 

A little while later

I haven't blogged since our return from what I describe as the best holiday we as a family have ever had. It was just so great to have the girls have all those experiences and to be able to meet family they have only ever spoken to on the phone. The holiday has brought new life to us. A new sense of path for the future. We have come home inspired to finish jobs around our building site. 

With all this want to finish projects I'm also feeling very down about myself. I feel  a little worthless and not sure why. I have qualification and yet I think because I decided to have children and dedicate time to them over the last 11 years that I'm some how not employable. 

I mean crap I have learnt many more skills since having the girls that would make me even more employable but alas it's seems to be the opposite. I have missed out on jobs because of my honesty, my owning a business is seen as competition and having kids means I must be stupid. It has been hard to except but each time it happens I get low and then I try to brush it off. 

As I say I brush it off, lately it is just a non event. So I have finally had to just live with it. I am a graphic artist by trade, I successfully ran a cafe with my husband, have been a receptionist, sales rep and a waitress, I'm vercitile and am raising 4 children that will be brilliant human beings who will make their dreams come true. 

For me it's not really about the lack of employment as I have my cleaning which keeps me busy and love my clients to bits. I just feel I'm not challenged, brain wise. So maybe I need to challenge myself and this is where my brain splits in two. My art side wants to create my own range of stationary and the side that craves to use the lessons I've learnt wants to study social work. 

Decisions, decisions, decisions!