Goodbye 2013

I'm sitting in the shade of a glorious pine tree. Seagulls are everywhere. My girls are eating gelato and the smell of the ocean is swimming in the breeze. This is the last time the sun will set this year and i am seeing it out with a bang! 

Marty and I were talking last night about resolutions and I said I wanted to be humble with what I have, continue to work on me and to above all else be happy! Marty found a list of things you should ask yourself at the end if each year. Questions like when were you kindest to yourself?

what you need to improve on the most? When did you fail yourself? When did you let things get on top of you?

The list could go on. I endeavour to answer all the questions later tonight and this will be interesting to read next year as we never know what the future holds!

So for me this year has been one of huge lows and huge highs. I have been challenged emotionally and physically. My heart has broken and then healed. Our family has endured me on my roller coaster. My girls have grown and changed. 

In all our living I with my family end 2013 feeling better than we started, still not perfect but we have love and that's all that matters. 

What's kept in the dark....

You know when you come out from under a mushroom, life can seem kind of scary and life is sometimes not what you expected. Life sometimes throws you in another direction. Makes you open your eyes and look at what's around you. Who has been there but the mushroom hasn't let you out to have a gander at. 

I was evicted from the mushroom some time ago and in this time I have realised how many people have been around me. People that don't judge. Laugh at my jokes. Make me feel comfortable. Just plain lovely people. 

I actually am now happy about my eviction. Without it I wouldn't have been able to truly get to know who was just outside. People of true worth and that friendship is cherished not assumed. 

Love what you have....

Today I woke to sun beaming into the camper trailer. The sound of my girls playing out side. Martin sounded like he was having a laugh about something and my heart just swelled hearing these sounds. Only a few hours earlier Marty had woken me to come look at the sunrise taking place over the valley full of fog. 

Christmas was only yesterday, feelings off love and joy still remain. Our day yesterday was great. The girls woke us not to early, presents were open with glee and giggles. I found I kept getting distracted by the girls joy which stop me from opening my presents. Everyone kept telling me to open my ones! My Marty and my girls spoilt me big time! Actually both my parents and Marty's mum also spoilt me.  I felt huge love!

Once presents and breakfast was done we set out to finish lunch and dinner prep work and headed up to our block. That's when the heavens decided to open and continued until sunset. It made little difference to our day. All the kids still played and swam. We all still ate way to much and relaxed while chatting to loved ones. 

Our table was set for 21 was enjoyed and no plate left full. Martin spent his time  cooking food which no matter what he says, he loved more than anything. I think even with the weather and some forgetfulness this Christmas was the best we have had for a long while. 

So today as we cleaned up, I felt completely humble in knowing Christmas was pretty darn perfect. I found myself finding joy in all the little things. Watching the girls play. Having them cuddle you and say thank you for the presents they received. The sky last night was amazingly full of stars and the moon super bright even though it was only a half. Seeing my mum and dad hold hands in the afternoon. 

Small things people, they are far greater then we realise. 

Santa baby

Tonight I am laying on my bed with the sound of the tv in the distance and am realising that Christmas is only 2 sleeps away. I'm thinking am I organised, have I got the girls enough, have I forgotten anyone. The list of questions seems to be endless and yet I have the energy of a fat lazy dog, who just wants to sleep!

Today was our last day at work until Friday and to say I was feeling a little excited would be a understatement. The day was busy and a little frustrating as I seemed to not get all the things I needed to do, done. So the day ended and we arrived home to our girls who had been cleaning their rooms with their poppy. 

I know the kids were cleaning their rooms for fun! We helped the twins finish theirs and then tackled the house that we had neglected all weekend. We seemed to have miles of energy and now it's gone. 

Tomorrow will bring lots of setting up and preparation for the big day. Sleep please be my friend tonight and please give me the energy to get it all done so Christmas Day will be our kind of perfect in memory of the dad's that will be missing at our table this year. Bring on Santa and his slay!

How they have grown

Today I woke to early morning foot steps of two excited little girls determine to wake up before dawn! They were sent back to bed with a smile and a thank god they didn't get to the cranky preteen who likes her sleep. Unfortunatley I was wide awake after that and found myself replaying their birth, their fight and how much these little girls had gone through to be here today. 

I remember their little fingers, their little toes and how breathing wasn't the easiest thing for Emerson and how drugged out I was to take this in for the first 12 hours. How we spent Christmas and new year new in hospital and how it only seems like yesterday with a whole lot of living in between. 

I remembered all the sleepless nights, as unlike their 2 older sisters they weren't to fond of it back then. All the breast feeding that I felt like a jersey cow with the  both of them attached to me. All the nappies, my god all the nappies! Learning to sit, crawl, walk! Toilet training, preschool, play group, play dates, swimming lessons and the list could go on. 

My heart swells knowing they aren't babies for long enough. And the amazing fact that time seems to fly but when you really think, it hasn't been that fast. 

So we got another hour and that obviously was as long as they were going to wait to have their birthday started. All four arrive in our room for our normal present opening thing. Which saw some crazy happy faces with the knowledge of what they had received today! Laughing and playing started. I still want to sleep though as we stupidly stayed up way to late, might have to fit in a nanna nap later.

Happy birthday to my gorgeous girls Georgia and Emerson who today turn 7. I love you more than I ever thought humanly possible and my heart swelled to make room for you two seven years ago and will forever be big to fit all my family in it. 

All the kings horses and all the kings men..,

It's funny how when we have time to think our brains can ponder some strange stuff. I sat this afternoon in the passenger seat of the car with 5/6 of my family. I found myself gazing at some scars and thought I wish they would fade!  I blurted this thought out to marty with no real thought. He assured me they just need time. 

I found myself after that reflecting on how the scars got there. Why they need to stay there and how time will make them fade like lost memories. This started my brain making a list if pros and cons for the situation. 

My pros seem to lead me to our scars are reminders of when we fall down we have been strong enough to get back up. Proof that we so heal and our wounds close. These scars become a badge that we wear with sometimes honor and sometimes not so much!

The cons were easier to see. It shows weakness. Weakness of my core and soul. It is embarrassing to believe I was that weak. That these scars are there because I let them happen. I let my soul get lost and taken over. These scars are evidence which I find very confronting at times. I often catch people staring at them and wonder what they must think. 

My scars will not define me. They will never rule me. Over time our scars fade and what is left in its wake is clarification and a sense of being humble with that fact you survived! So I still hate my scars but I believe they mine for a reason. 

The week that was

This last week didn't fly by and didn't drag on. It was filled from sunrise to sunset with adventure in between. It saw kids try new things, make new friends and show responsibility that they probably didn't realise they had. I tried new things and braved things that scared me just to show the kids it was ok. 

To say I enjoyed my week is a bit of an understatement. It was a real treat to be able to go and help the school. My week also contained the hole where the rest of my family should be. I missed them like crazy. I missed Marty like crazy. While I was away, my other three little munchkins must have visited a far away land and came back able to get ready for school quickly. 

Marty talked on the phone about how good the girls were being and to be honest I held my doubts. This morning i saw it with my own eyes. These kids who struggled to be dressed let alone anything else by 9am were dressed, packed and fed by 7.45am! I was almost speechless. 

Whatever Marty did, he has now become an even bigger hero in my eyes!  The weekend was full with work, washing mowing,cleaning, a 30th birthday and that's just Saturday. The hard work paid off and we were rewarded with a trip to millthorpemarkets on Sunday with friends. What a fantastic market and a pretty little town. Sunday became complete with Christmas tree going up in anticipation of Saint Nick! The kids aren't to keen on my less is more attitude about the tree but they let me have it my way. 

The week that was, was outside the box but it was truly a memorable week. One that will last a lifetime. 

The lies they tell!

I sit here on the bus on the last day of a week long school camp with maya and her school and am reflecting. People had said things like ' good luck 'or 'why would you want to to go?'. I don't know what people were meaning, I have had a blast! 

I have done more exercise than my body is obviously use to. I have chatted with kids that are beautiful and all made me feel like they enjoyed our time together. Maya has cuddled me lots in front of her friends, which I take as a huge sign I'm not embarrassing to her. This is huge! She still loves me lol. 

I've got to know the teachers. They are all lovely people that really seem to care about these kids and have such great relationships with them. Have to say the kids wore me out a lot so didn't make it every night for chats with the adults but the times I did were funny!

As I sit here reflecting on my week and the bus is full of sleepy kids and tired adults, I feel blessed. For anyone considering going on a school camp, do it! It was so much fun! Loved every second of it. 

Camp happy

Well it's 6.30am on a Monday morning. I'm sitting in a bus full of year 5 and 6 kids heading on a adventure for five days. To be honest I'm sitting here amazed that they are pretty quiet ( at the moment). I'm excited to be sharing this with maya. She has seemed to have grown up so much in the last 12 months. My baby is almost a lady. 

I decided to ask to come along a few months ago as I was watching maya and thought how she will be grown before I know it. Year six us only a moment away and that is scary beyond words. It feels only yesterday I brought home a beautiful little girl dressed in White with a full head of dark spiky hair. She was perfect and she has grown into a beautiful young girl. 

I'm sure the next few years will be bumpy and sometimes she is going to be horrible and even hate me. Which will break my heart. With that said this time that I can share with her hopefully will make her know 100% I will always be here for her and will be her friends always. 

Have a great week lovelies, I sure I will!

Bx

Grumble bum me

Ever just had a week where you would pick a fight with anyone. Lose your temper just because. Go from happy to sad in 60 seconds. Say the most hurtful words only to be screaming inside your head "what are you doing? Just stop!"  This is my week. 90% of the time I have been fine and the other 10%, a monster has appeared. 

She is a nasty monster. Very mean, very harsh. She is the queen of mean, that has a crown and is not afraid to abuse her power. I don't like her very much and neither does anyone else from what I'm told. 

Gosh I hope and pray others have these kind of weeks where, a demon seems to take over your body and abuse all the ones I love. 'Sorry' has been the word I think I have said that often this week that I wouldn't be surprised if Marty stopped believing me, but how do you explain something that even to me after almost 34 years of life, I don't even understand. 

So I'm hoping that if I write this down, it will make my crazy head abracadabra this demon away. Lift the cloud and let the light of happiness Flood back in where it normally dominates my personality. 

So this is grumble bum me pleading for the crazy happy bx to come back.... Please 

Too much fun not to share

Last night we held our second double shot culture night. We were so much more organised, a whole lot calmer but still super excited! The night started with music and lots of conversation. The kitchen was a mad flurry of bodies, with us all having our jobs to get done. 

Service went fairly smoothly and feedback was awesome. The music was still pumping when Marty and I could finally relax and chat with friends. Needless to say as usual I hadn't eaten very much all day and my dinner consisted of freckles, m&ms and a banana. So once Marty gave me a drink of wine, my party me came to the show. Once everyone left bar our two closest friends we decided to head to the pub. 

We played pool, sang really badly, danced even worse and laughed. Boy did we laugh. It was so nice to let our hairs down and act a little care free.  I may have done something to the pool cue that were arrestable. A conga line may have happened also. The people I spent my night with are truly implanted into my soul. I don't hide who I am. I let all my silly, quirky and stupid behaviour surface. 

It's very humbling to realise that the people I choose to have in my life and also who want me in their lives. I love my life and everyone who is touching it, is valued beyond what they can imagine. 

Letting my hair down was good for my soul and this feeling was too good not to share with you all. I truly hope everyone had a great weekend. 

Bx

Mini me Milly

My second daughter Amelia is the most like me in personality. She is quirky, laughs with all that she has and finds the silliest things the most fun. She sings like no one is listening, dances like she is a performer on a stage and when playing has the best American accent I've heard from a child. She is totally unique. 

Yesterday Maya our eldest was reading her speech for captain nominations to all of us. It was lovely to see her having the self esteem to want to do this. We all listened intently and when she finished crazy Milly stood up and fist pumped the sky, yelling 'we want a water slide'. All of us wet ourselves laughing because only her mind would think of this and know it was the right time to say something like that. 

I find myself watching her in awe a little as I find her quirkiness something I want to encourage. She has no filter, she says what she feels right at that exact moment and for anyone that knows me well knows that I too do this. I have in the past been made to feel bad for this trait but I now just says what I feel, even if its going to embarrass me in the end. 

My mini me is beautiful and quirky and I love that she has this part of me and i will never tell her to be any other way! Love you moocher 

Bx

Who is the strongest of them all..,,

Today we ventured up to the block for some heavy working. We had trees to remove and rocks to lift. It really didn't look like it was going to happen, as we got there and the heavens opened. We took the opportunity to have lunch in the car, in hope that the rain would stop. It did! We were so shocked as we were convinced we were going home. 

Marty and I headed out and started our work. The girls were playing and fighting. You know the normal things the girls do until they work themselves out. I thought I would see if helping us would help them to work their stuff out. It did and became a competition of who could lift the biggest tree or rock. The amazing thing was the littlest is the strongest! She lifted more than what I would try and she was ever so happy for knowing this fact. 

Watching them compete was a little cute. I know you shouldn't encourage this always but sometimes you do need to compete to prove your worth in the mix and to be honest I don't thinks its a bad life skill to have. I say this not to want my kids to be snotty show offs, just to always try their best and know that sometimes they will be better at some things when others aren't and vice versa. 

The day continued with them helping, which to be honest I thought they would have lost interest in after the first half an hour. We achieved lots and made for a fun day where everyone pitched in. Here is to happy Sundays that make you smile. Hope everyone has had a great day. Enjoy the week to come. 

Bx

The downhill stretch

Have you ever noticed that we as a society spend all our time wishing that the week would hurry up and end and then complain that the year has gone so fast. I know I'm guilty of this, which makes me so angry that I too have this silly behaviour. 

I don't know why I wish for time to go quickly. It is so strange. My days are on the whole, fun! Yes I have moments like most where I find times frustrating, but that is normally a small part. 

Time is such a strange thing. My mornings I never and I mean never seem to have enough time. I'm sure if you stood at the front of my house with a counter you would hear the words " hurry up" repeated over and over and over. Then once I'm at work (late as usual) time slows back to the normal pace. I get back home and time speeds up and before you know it, it's 11.30 and I still haven't finished everything.  So don't get me started on the weekends, blink and I miss them!

All I can say is time sometimes is cruel and not at all friendly. It rushes for moments that we treasure and slows to remind us to breath. I'm sure it doesn't mean to rush but it must get excited by fun times too!

Today marks a day where I stop wishing time away and make sure I take in every moment. No more wishing away and just a whole lot of living in the moment!

Fun, music and fairy floss

Today was my girls school fete. One of my babies hadn't been well but was so sad of the thought of missing it that we headed up to it. Once we entered the grounds the sounds were amazing. People talking, Music playing, Kids giggling and people everywhere. 

The kids were running along with the teachers lots of old fashion games. The cake stall was amazing, they even had a barista which to me is a must and gets 10 stars!!! We got our fish money to spend and we set off to find activities to partake in. Maya headed of to the sponge throwing where she was the poor  target. The rest of us looked around, of course we went to the cakes first. Coloured hair spray was next, nail painting, hair extensions and then jumping castle. All the things that young ladies would choose to do. 

Milly and I went and sat down to watch the show. There was an amazing clown who doubled as the MC! He did a magic trick that i have no clue how it worked. Im easily amused i guess. There was a few dance groups and then some young muso talents. I love music so I was captivated. I sat there singing along to myself only to look over and see some young boys in the front row singing their hearts out. I wanted to film them, but they weren't my kids. I wanted to capture that carefree behaviour. 

It was almost more captivating than the singer. These boys were having so much fun and not one care in the world. They sang as though no one was listening. 

This behaviour got me thinking tonight as I find I to do this when I'm listening to music of late. I sing and dance without caring who is around or might be listening.  It is something I find I just don't want to hide or hold in.  Music still has the same effect on me in my thirties. I'm still that 11 year old that doesn't have any cares about who is around. So maybe we don't grown up completely. So sing like no one is listening and dance like you have no cares in the world. 

Bx

A letter to the old me

Dear old me,

How are you? Are you being true to yourself and the ones around you? Have your friends got your back and care what happens to you? Have you been honest with yourself about where you stand in Your group of friends?

I hope that one day you wake up and realise how you have been treated for years. I hope you weigh up what's important in this world and if they don't rate then kick them to the kerb. I beg you to give your loyalty to ones that will return it 10 fold and not drive the knife into your rib cage. Please stop wasting time people pleasing to fit in with the so called cool kids and find people that love you for all that you are. 

My final hope is that one day you start being kind to yourself. 

Yours truly,

The you of today

When I look back  on my life here in the country, I am gutted I seem to have lost so much time on being loyal and friends with people who didn't deserve it. All I can say is I had one very big lesson to learn and it took the long way round to get to its destination. 

I thank all the negative people who have come into my life here. You were put here for a reason. You have made me stronger, much more guarded and protective of my inner workings. You have also made me humble, I no longer wish to play petty childish games, I don't want to walk away from conversations knowing full well I will be the next cab off the rank of gossip and nasty talk. I no longer will keep up with the jones! 

I am me, not perfect but happy to acknowledge it. I make huge mistakes but am happy to own when I am in the wrong. When i look in the mirror today, I like the person I see and if you don't that's ok. I'm happy with the new me. 

Bx

My thoughts to share

I was thinking today about why I started blogging. Thinking of how it makes me feel. Remembering how nervous I was the first time I put my thoughts out there and how I wasn't sure of I ever wanted to tell anyone including Marty that I was blogging. 

I found a friend in my blog. A friend is what i needed when i started writing which i now realise i never had. A friend that I could turn to that actually let me talk. It's really kinda sad when you think of it that my friend is my own head. 

To write my worst, my best, my funniest and my saddest thoughts down is a way of healing and letting go. I love doing it and have never thought of myself as a writer but I find my internal workings sometimes a little interesting.  

Adayinthelifeofbx has become another part of me. One of my favourite parts. 

No news is good news

Well I have struggled since returning from Sydney with bloggers block. The last 3 weeks have happen with such a blur that I haven't had a moment to catch my breath and review or even acknowledge all that has happened. It has been bugging me a lot. I have wanted so many times to sit and write but the words just wouldn't come. It was like they had vanished and I had no way of getting them to come back. 

These last few weeks have had a lot of pain in them. With the extremely sudden passing of my father inlaw, I hadn't realised that since that happened, three weeks of my life had flown by. Watching my husband deal with his loss was extremely hard. At times he has  worried me senseless but then the moment passes and my happy go lucky man reappears. This tragedy has changed something in his core. A change that has seen a man more humble with his life than ever and a man more incline to make the changes he has found hard to achieve. 

This last few weeks have also brought extreme joy. The joy of seeing a long awaited plan come to fruition. Our double shot fine dining culture nights finally started. The first of many happen this pasted weekend. We were as excited as kids in a candy shop and as nervous as a young couple on their first date. 

As the first plates hit the tables our hearts raced. We waited and waited and waited, finally we ventured out and the reviews were great! So the courses that followed happen smoothly and all in all the night was a huge success! It made us feel like we are heading in the right direction with our business. 

Also in all of this stuff that has happened over the last few weeks, we are putting together our DA application for our house. Which is so exciting I find I get so distracted by it. 

So as my block still plagues me and writing this down has been a struggle. I am taking a big deep breath and a moment to catch up on all that has happened in what seems like a blink of an eye. 

I think i had gotten on a roller coaster three weeks ago that I wasn't told about and I don't think I'm aloud off until the new year. "as we sit at the top of the ride ready to go full speed down the track". I won't close my eyes, I will breath deep, I will hang on and enjoy the ride!

To be a kid again

Childhood is the best thing that ever happens in our lives and its not until we are older watching our kids that we realise this. It is a time where we crave to be treated older and time seems to take forever. But looking back time went fast and you would do anything to get back to the carefree ways.

Today in the planning and organising of a funeral. The girls are a happy distraction. Swimming at the local pool, laughing, giggling and playing. Things seem OK. You can forget the pain and smile. Smile for the happiness that can be seen on these innocent girls faces. Smile because they have a way of making you think that life is pretty good and laughing is good for the soul. 

Taking an hour break off from the reality may seem selfish. Selfish for wanting to forget for a little and act normal but its really more about a way of taking a deep breath. A deep breath to prepare for tomorrow and the days after.

How good being a kid is, is something we only truly appreciate once that time has past but seeing your kids experiencing it, is a prize that comes with memories of old. Our girls happiness today has brought to us a gift of smiles to our faces and for that I thank them. 

Poppa bears broken heart

Tonight I sit reflecting on the weekend. A weekend Marty and I had been so looking forward to as we have not had a good break since Easter. All things started so well, we finally after 5 trips got set up on the block for our block break. 

The day was warm and the girls were off playing when I had to duck back into town for, you know what I can't even remember. As I got back I picked up martins phone that contained a message of urgent recall. For some reason I took Marty the phone, thinking he needed to ring his family. He rang and then we spiralled down. Marty collapsed to the ground and tears flowed down his face. 

Our girls swamped him straight away crying. Not knowing why they were upset except for the sight of their daddy crying. I fell to my knees beside him, begging for him to tell me what was wrong and tears fell from my eyes as like the girls the sight of him crying has that effect on me, as he is the strong one. 

He hung up and told me " my Dad is dead". I curl myself into him and we all cry. Cry for the loss of a parent at such a young age, cry for the pain I see my strong, gorgeous man in, cry for the time you can never take back and do over. All I say is sorry, over and over again. 

Seeing a man cry is one of those things that effect me hard. Hard for the fact that, in this house Marty is the strength and back bone. He picks up the pieces and puts them back together. 

I can only recall seeing him cry 5 times. 3 were happy tears of the births of our girls. Once when his grandad died and once when Emerson was first born and she was struggling to live. This time will make it 6. Compared to my floods that happen often, he is a drought. 

Seeing him cry makes my heart break into a million pieces. I find it hard to see and be strong for him, as all I want to do is ball along with him. Crying is a good thing to do. It lets it out and almost washes us clean. Clean to heal a little, to let go of anger and guilt. 

Our poppa bears heart is broken and all the porridge, chairs and beds in the world is not going to help. Time and love is the answer to this riddle. Mummy bear and all his baby bears will be right beside you to give you the love and time you need. 

R.I.P Granddad bear

Welcoming a new comer to the house

This week we have been challenged, scared, worried and overwhelmed by the newest member in our house. Introducing miss M, she is a beautiful healthy, bouncing tween! 

She has hormones that come and go! Is toilet trained but is messy when it comes to her room. She is kind and loving but has terrible mood swings! She sleeps through the night and would sleep into the day If you let her. She is helpful most of the time. Wants independence but does not always make the smartest choices. Makes a new born baby look like a swing in the park. 

Our eldest is too old for dolls (in front of friends) and too young for everything else. The best way to describe what's happening in our home is that we have a new baby and are first time parents. We have no idea what we are doing most of the time and we won't admit to anyone that we don't!! We are making mistakes but are learning from them. 

I'm scared of the years ahead. Scared that I will stuff up some thing huge when it comes to the transition from child to woman. All I know is I want to keep my girls talking to us, no matter how hard the conversation may be for us or them. 

The kindness of others....

The phrase "do onto others as you would want them to do to you". I have said this countless times to my girls. I have always tried to live by this. I am a person that will offer time, things or help to anyone. Sometimes this has left me feeling used but its just something I will never change about myself. It's something I want my girls to have too.

So this week I have had 3 very special people offer kindness to us. One was to have my girls for a couple of days where they played, rode horses, collected chicken eggs and just had fun! The 2nd was a gorgeous lady who had each of my 3 youngest girls for a sleepover on three different nights. The 3rd was a lady who has more children than i and took 3 of my little ladies for a picnic for the day, where they swam at the dam, caught yabbies and played most of the day!

These kindness made our week a little less overwhelming and made for a week where the girls have said they had the best time. The girls had some time away from the shop, which means the time they are there, is a little less boring for them. 

I am truly grateful to the simple kindness of people. I am so humbled by people right now and can only think of ways to repay their kindness.

Holidays for the kids

Today is the official start of the school holidays. Time for the kids to relax, play, rest and most of all be kids! The downer on this idea is we own a cafe that becomes even more busy in the holidays, so all of the above becomes a strategic planning exercise of work and play!

The normal transition has started between school and home. Meaning that the girls go through a change to readjust to spending 24/7 with each other. At the moment the fighting is still happening, we should be right by tomorrow as they have been better today. 

Role playing games have been happening all over. I have over heard mums and dads, rock stars, teachers, and super heroes! This part of childhood is something through the generations, technology will never change. It makes me smile hearing these games. 

The juggling act that is our working lives rotates a little with the holidays. Routine becomes relaxed, with late nights and special treats to eat. Some things remain, as in the rushing in the morning to actually get to work before the customers. All in all holidays are great!

So as the next 2 weeks go by, we will endeavour to give the girls a great holiday with camping on the weekends, friends to play with through the week and still work at the same time.

 I know this is the same for a lot of parents. The guilt that we have over things to do with our kids and the fact that you have to work. I still get bouts of this but have tried to rationalised it enough that I can not split myself in half and be the best of both worlds, but I can give each half 100% of my attention when I'm with my kids or doing my job!

It's not perfect but it is working. Bx

My week in review

This week started with a weekend that we achieved lots. My book work is up to date, the lawns were mowed and the yard was spring clean so to speak. We made pancakes and slept in. Even the block got a visit, with some planting of some bird attracting natives! 

Monday came around with grey clouds over head and rain hitting our noses. The rushing begins. The last week of term 3, it's crazy how this year has gone so fast, but I have felt every moment. The girls are in need of a rest but this week seems to have been the least restful of the term. 

We head to Cowra for appointments and rush around to do other errands as well. Tuesday arrives with Marty having the day off to go gun shopping. I know that sentence sounds wrong to me, but I like this interest he has developed. He seems Happy which makes me happy. The shop was busy and by 9pm that night I was exhausted. 

Wednesday, Marty gave me the day off, which I found I went to the shop 4 times and was lonely most of the day, but I thank him for seeing I was tired and giving me a chance to catch my breath. 

That night Marty tells me one and a half hours before hand we are having friends over. Inside I freak, for my house was a mess but for some reason I didn't run around like a crazy person cleaning it. I don't know when I got so relaxed but I'm starting to like her!

My kids were embarrassing. It's like something clicks inside them when people come over and every bad behaviour trait comes out for all to witness. I wish I knew the answer to get this to change! It's frustrating. Grrr

So that brings us to Thursday. Today the rushing began late as we all slept in. The girls are tired, we are tired but I try to stay calm and understanding. The girls leave the house with no tears. Yay. So tonight as they argued with each other over nothing I decided an early night was in order. 7.30pm my house became silent and as I finish this at 9.25pm I believe I will be in la la land within 10 minutes. 

So bring on the holidays with a much needed rest for the girls and a break from normal rush routine. The week is almost over, so lets see what the next brings with it. 

I can let it go now

On Saturday night I blogged about a very negative thing that happened to my family. I never published it, I said to myself I needed Martin to read it as he wasn't home. So it's now Sunday night and you know what I don't want to publish it. 

It brought up feelings I have worked so hard to move on from, which amazed me as to how I handled them. 10 weeks ago I would have been a mess. Crying, sad, broken like an egg that had slipped from a hand and hit the floor!

 So when I got angry I worried that I was going to drop back into the rabbit hole, but I didn't. I vented to Marty, wrote my feelings down and then moved on. I know I hear you saying how grown up of you. I can tell you, the friends in my head were partying like Mardi Gras. 

I vented and let my anger out over the situation but to publish it is to give these negative souls power, which I am no longer willing to let happen. All I will say on the matter is that we are all human beings, we are all not perfect and we all make mistakes. I'm human and I'm far from perfect but I can let the negative go now.

 I'm proud of me, this is huge!!!

The question that should be ask everyday!

Today is "are you ok day?", the concept of this day is amazingly simple. It is something that one should ask others always. Asking others if they are ok is simple to do and it really is gob smacking that most people won't do it. 

I'm a strong believer of being honest about feelings. Good, bad and the ugly ones. So this question is easy for me to ask and now very easy to answer. I am stronger now from almost 5 months ago. I know when I was at my lowest moments, all I wanted and craved was someone to notice and ask if I was ok. A simple act of kindness is worth a million times more than most average people would know. 

So on this day as serving my customers I asked this little question and was greeted  with smiles and looks of "thanks for noticing and acknowledging me and my day". Also on this day I asked myself the same question and had a very clear answer come back. Yes Bec, today your ok! 

Love is all around me....

Last night Marty and I got the privilege to help a friend surprise his beautiful wife for her birthday. His request was simple. A 3 course meal cooked by Marty and to have the shop all to themselves.

So with a few weeks planning it came together last night under a sliver moon. Candles were burning bright and a menu set to impress. To say she was surprised by such a thoughtful gift would be a massive understatement. It filled my belly with butterflies to see love and joy beaming off them. 

I'm a hopeless romantic, I cry when I'm happy, I tear up when I talk about my girls and I love my husband more and more each day. So being able to witness from the outside this made my heart swell and want to giggle like a little girl. 

I think this gift is a true gift. It wasn't down to how much money one spent on the other or what brand of clothing was purchased. It was down to good old fashion romance and this to me is priceless. 

A drive to the big smoke

The sun is shining bright over the beautiful canola covered hills. We have kissed and cuddled and kissed our girls some more and headed off on our night away in the big smoke for some much needed mummy and daddy time. With John Butler playing, we take a deep breath and start to relax. 

As we drive out of our beautiful sleepy country town, our conversation automatically starts to flow. Ideas of new things for work and talk of our much loved sanctuary block. It's amazing what things can be achieved with a little time to talk about them. 

So enjoy this beautiful spring weather people. Make sure to take time to be kind to yourself and the loved ones that surround you, for without them our worlds just aren't as bright or full. 

Bx

Touch wood

This week has brought about a new spirit in me and in my family. The show has come and gone and I survived! I put one foot in front of the other and held my head high. Actually I did better than survive, I grew. This week we have purchased a shed for our block, it's crazy scary but crazy exciting all at the same time.

 Father's Day happened with family and some of the nicest people I think I have ever met. Marty cooked the best lunch and was in his element sharing his passion with people he holds dear! We spent the day at the blocks just relaxing, chatting and eating more than is humanly possible. It was one of the best Sundays we have had this year.

I have noticed a strange sense of calm and less tension between the girls. They seem more settled and a whole lot calmer then the last few months. They are thriving at school which makes me realise after all the drama we made the best choice for them. Miss E is happy and not just for a short moment, she is actually happy. She seems less angry and I think I have been told I love you more in the last weeks than I have in her life! This is a big deal. 

Tuesday was our 13th wedding anniversary and I would say I love Marty more now than I did 13 years ago. He is more than I ever asked for and more than I ever thought was possible. He is the best husband, father and friend I could ever want. 13 isn't known to be a good luck number and this year hasn't exactly been the best for our family or me but I figure if you can come out the other side of the bad luck, that has to show the strength in a relationship and person. 

This weekend Marty and I are heading away for our anniversary. To say I'm looking forward to the getaway would be an understatement but I really, really am. Marty has paid extra for a suite and a special celebration package which includes chocolate, lots and lots of chocolate. So I have said we will go to max brenners for lunch just to make sure we have chocolate overload. 

I'm looking forward to spending non work and kid time with my best of the best friends in the world. Just chatting, seeing M rated movies, sleeping in and shopping without "I'm bored" being heard every 5 minutes. 

So to say I'm touching wood this week probably wouldnt be enough. I don't want to jinks any of my feelings, strengths or changes. I don't want to jinks the change I see in the girls, but I want to acknowledge the change. Acknowledge that I have noticed, that I haven't missed it, that I am willing to see it and build on it to keep making our life the best it can be for us. 

I love my family more than anything in the world. To see good things happening for all of them makes me happy and proud to call them mine. So it goes to show you when your being a better you it has a follow on effect on those that you surround yourself with. 

Here's to the week that was!

A Day for him...

As i sit here tonight i cant help but find myself reflecting on what tomorrow is all about. It's Fathers day and it is a day where Daddy's all around the world are celebrated. As a little girl you look to you Dad to be the strong, protector, provider, friend and the head of the family and as you become an adult you still want these qualities in your life partner. Qualities that you want for yourself and you need for your children.

Tonight I find myself thinking of how lucky i got when i found the man i married. This man is all i could have ever wanted in a husband and father. He is our everything. He does more than any other father i know. He never backs away from anything when it comes to our girls. I love watching them together. The girls look up to him in away that makes you think there is more that they are saying in their eyes. My girls love his routine things, like tickles at bedtime.

This is me telling you Martin, that we love you more than anything. You make our world turn. You always think of us and are always picking up the pieces when they fall. We would be lost without you and you shouldn't ever think we don't notice all that you do. So my want for tomorrow is a day where you are relaxed, feel completely loved and spoiled. A day of good food (which you kindly prepared), great friends and family time. We love you, I love you. Happy Fathers day to the best daddy in the world to us.

100%

I sit here tonight realising that I'm now 100% honest with the people i have in my life. I don't pretend to be more or less. I don't say i like something if i don't. I don't try and be anything other than me for the person I'm with. I admit if I'm sad, happy, worried and excited.

As i stood talking to a friend this morning for more than an hour while i worked, i made this connection in my core. I admitted feelings that going back only a short time ago i wouldn't have for fear of ridicule, laughter or would not have been heard. So i just wouldn't share. This i now know is not the way we should be with each other. I am now finding that if you are truly honest about yourself, people seem to respond in a positive way.

This as with many other things that i have seem to open my eyes about. As i have said before I'm a work in progress, which means i haven't given up on being 100% in and about me! Next week i go back to the head doctor, which to be honest is going to be a very gutting hour, but that's a story for next week.

 Things happen for a reason, and I'm thinking that the powers that be made sure i changed my ways. Life is about living not about just existing.  Some days I'm still existing, but my core fights to the surface and lives another day....

Cowardly lion

Courage.... It's something we all have but under rate as most of us never think of it being an issue in our day to day lives. This was me up until a month ago. I didn't lack confidence to do anything least of all normal day to day things, but now as embarrassing as it is to admit, I'm scared!
Scared to do so many things.

My courage has been crushed. I have let this happen to me by not standing tall on what i am and what i have put out there. Even though I do blame it on specific events, ultimately I'm the one letting me be like this. My lack of courage has made me a prisoner in my mind, prisoner in my workplace and a prisoner in my own town. It scares me to go outside at work by myself. Who does that?  It's crazy behaviour and i just cant stop myself from doing it.

This is hard on Marty and the girls. They are missing out on things because i just cant face my fear! Marty is struggling to understand his wife that he tells me is strong and confident be a scared little girl! He is trying so hard not to push me and i thank him for that but i feel I'm not being fair on him or my girls. How do i find it? How do i jump back on the horse? How do you face your fear and not crumple into a heap? I'm trapped and my head is a very strange place!

So each day is baby steps towards the freedom that awaits me on the other side of the doors. Each day I'm trying to trick my crazy head that I'm OK and just take another step. Hopefully i can do this for my girls in the coming weeks so they don't miss out on the show because their scared Mummy cant face her demons. I'm sure they will hold my hand and Marty will be the back bone i need to get through it.

I'm the cowardly lion in the Wizard of Oz. I want someone to give me my courage but like you all know, it's already there i just have to find it again!

Tuesday Tunes

Today I came across a quote that read "music is what feelings sound like", this I find to be one of the most accurate things I have heard for a while. 

How often do you here a song that relates to something you are going through? How often does a song help you to feel better? How often does a song remind you of a moment in your life that you never want to forget?

This for me is true. I here certain songs and they take me to some of my most happiest and saddest moments. I'm there again, in that moment! Feeling all those feelings good and bad. Like the feeling of the first time a boy breaks your heart or when your soul mate promises to be your shelter for the rest of his days.  

The moment one of my beautiful girls came into the world a jack Johnson song was playing and every time I hear it, the memory of her coming into this crazy world appears behind my eyes and tears fall from them!

I love music, I don't have a 'type' as such as that would mean I could potentially miss out on music that may touch me. I love music that evokes thought, feeling and memories. I just missed the boat when it came to musical talent, can't sing or play an instrument. Always wanted to be the lead singer or the drummer. Had a picture in my head of how I would look lol. Short leather skirt, fish nets, army boots, black hair and red lipstick, I know I have over thought it some what!

So today we had a young busker at the shop as a start to a busking arvo once a week.  She was fantastic. She could tell the story of the songs so well. No matter what she was singing you could feel the emotion it talked of. A sign of a true artist. 

Today brought me joy to see a young girl sing in our shop. It brought joy to see people young and old truly enjoy her music. It made me happy to be able to have something to offer to another human being. Music is a beautiful thing and life without it would make me very lost! So music is what feelings sound like to me. 

Bx

August Already!

Wow this year has flown. Next Christmas is closer than the last one. My girls are heading towards another year older, this year will be my 13th wedding anniversary and i will have spent 18 years with my best friend & lover!

So now that its August, time to start thinking about spring and all that it offers. Time to think of Christmas and what you will buy everyone! Time to think about what you have and haven't achieved this year and if you haven't started your dreams then time to start!

This week coming has a feeling of change on the horizon. You know when you have a heap of nervous energy and you just know in the pit of your stomach that what you wake up with in the morning might not be what you take home that night. It has a feeling of excitement for the mutual thought pattern that Marty and i have about our future. We are totally on the same page and this is a hugely humbling feeling.

We arrived at the end of the week with a big change of thought about the type of house we are going to build on our block. Our original plan was to build a shed, move into said shed and build our house and then i went and had a change of thought back to one of our original ideas. This shocked me the most as i was sort of scared about it originally as it is very outside the box. So tomorrow we are talking to council to not ask what they need, but more ask how they can help us achieved our dream. How they can guide us to see our quirky idea come to life.

So with 3 weeks left of winter and Spring starting to show its face within our gardens and paddocks. I am going to enjoy these last weeks of hibernation before the flowers start to bloom fully, and the sun starts to warm you back up to the core. I'm going to enjoy the changes that are coming in nature, life and with myself.  Spring is coming and i'm looking forward to it!

How do you solve a problem like E

When the twins came along in a rush, we had 4 beautiful girls under 3.5years. I don't think we knew just how hard it was going to be, how busy we would be and how juggling all those personalities would be so confronting at times. As our girls grew our family dynamics with them were constantly changing, things started to become interesting. Each learning different things to reach those ever so important milestones. These milestones bring joy and a sense of pride as a parent.

Things get interesting when one starts to not meet those milestones. When she has a twin sister who is meeting them and even exceeding them. When she is not coping in many situations that her sister does. When she has melt downs over everything and is angry 80% of the time. To us we started looking into how to help this little angel that was a beautiful, happy baby that smiled always. I missed her! I still miss her when her world seems to get to hard for her.

She is one of four of the most amazing things i have ever done in my life.  She is my baby, even though she was a twin. Miss Em was the smallest, sickest and also the strongest little person i have ever met. I think she will always be the smallest in our family, she has my side of the genes! We worked out when she was three that she was affected hugely by diet. Certain colour, additives and preservatives affect her personality. This was so frustrating at the start, especially since she was breastfeed until she was 14months old, solids were delayed until after 6 months, you know all the things the books tell us to, even after two other babies.

So today she and her twin sister are 6.5years old. They are meeting their learning milestones, but poor Emerson still is battling her demons. Some days are better, where this beautiful little person reveals herself to us but on other days like today, this angry little girl appears and until she lets it all out there is no making sense of her. She gets so upset that she thinks we don't love her and she starts to hate herself. This is heart breaking to witness as all i want to do is help her and make the world make sense for her!

Our job over the last few years has been trying to find ways to make her happy 80% of the time and not the other way around. This job will continue until we help our beautiful little girl grow and become the amazing young lady we know she can be. We as parents have a huge job when bringing a child into the world. We are teachers, providers, listeners, friends and above all else we are two warm arms to call home when life just gets to much. So tomorrow is another day and we will have new things to learn, deal with and laugh about.

The Block Unlocked

On this beautiful Sunday i was woken by my gorgeous husband serving me a cup of tea. He had set his alarm so we didn't sleep in as our girls had slept over at Nanny and Poppy's the night before. Marty knew i wanted to spend the day at the block playing and planning. We had made sure the washing was all done and that there was really nothing that needed to be done at home so we would be able to relax.

This was not a normal start to our Sundays, they normal consisted of a big sleep in, getting out of our PJ's after noon and lots and lots of washing. So we set off to pick the girls up with the car packed with enough food and water for the day. This was also the first time we had taken 'the Boys' (our dogs) to the block. We were excited to see how they would go being up there, as there is no boundary fencing except for the back and the front!

We arrived and from the moment we drove through the gate, my body just became calm and stress free. Time just seem to slow. Time for laughing, time for play, time for chatting and time for rest. My day then consisted of setting 2 big piles of wood on fire that needed clearing and working out where needs to be cleared for our house. I looked around and found myself creating areas of enjoyment in the garden i was creating in my head. An area for a fire pit for serious marsh mellow toasting, an area for a bench seat for an afternoon cuppa and a rock garden that already has its makings in the rocks. I found myself picturing certain trees in certain spots.

All of us found it hard to leave this afternoon, but as the sun was setting to a beautiful red and night was taking its place in the day we had to say good bye for now. Until next weekend at least!

Notre rėve

A phrase I live by is 'don't follow your dreams, chase them'

So today we signed the final paperwork for the start of our happily ever after. We signed the final paperwork for our block of land that we are going to build our forever home on. A home that will have a room each for our girls, a home that will have room to move in, a home that will sit on the top of our hill and be our slice of heaven on earth. 

This dream has been ours since we got married 13 years ago. A dream of having a place that we truly feel at home in. 

Once we set foot on this block of land my heart melted. I fell insanely in love with the view, the peace, the landscape, the serenity! I felt like the father in the movie 'the castle'. I felt like I had found my way home. 

It has been a battle, that is nothing new in our life. Nothing has come easy, except the twins, they were a little happy accident. We have always started at the wrong side of the mountain and we have had to cross canyons, Rivers and climb steep terrain to get to our goals, but we never say die! We just trudge on till the finish line. 

So on Wednesday morning we will finally cross that line and own our "notre rėve" which in English is 'our dream'. With blood, sweat and tears kind of passion! 

So very lazy this Sunday

Im a mother of 4 young children and i slept until 11.06am this morning. Even to me this was a huge shock! I mean the children didn't sleep that long. I haven't had that sort of sleep in since before children, so over 11 years. 

So I ventured out of our bedroom and found I followed the beautiful smell of freshly baked croissants coming from the kitchen and my smiling husband standing there in his element making food for others to enjoy! I was greeted with smiles, kisses and lots of squishy cuddles from my little ladies. 

As we ate brunch the girls said they wanted to have a lazy day of movies and pj's. This only lasted an hour and the call of outside became to loud for the youngest 3. They played the rest of the day with our two dogs pretending they we training the dogs to do an agility course. Very cute and gave me a few giggles watching them trying to teach our seven year old boxer new tricks. 

I washed and washed more clothes! Felt like I had a mountain to climb to get through it, but by days end both bathroom baskets were empty and my dining table was filled with folded washing. 

To complete my somewhat lazy day and bath with my hubby and then a yummy dinner with fresh baked bread (first attempt, which was not that good!).

Hope everyone's Sunday had moments of laughter, relaxing and connection. 

Bx

The day after tomorrow...

Well Last night i shared my blog on Facebook, for all of my friends to see. Don't ask me why i made this choice after keeping it to myself for a couple of months but i did. Once i shared it though, my mind raced with the realisation that my blog is the turnings of my inner most thoughts, that i really only share with my Marty. My blog is almost letters to him, so their is not even a wall in my mind that i can hide from him in.

So i shared and people read, and read and read. I went from an average of 18 readers a day to 189. As the figure grew so did my worry. Worry of what i had shared, worry of how people would take what i shared, worry of if i had exposed myself to the core and that it could back fire. Marty could see my stress and assured me that these are my stories, my battles and my highs and if people couldn't read it without judging then they had no place in my life, heart or mind.

Martin is always the first reader of my new posts. He reads them so intently that i sit on the edge of the seat waiting to know if it is good, if he understands, if he likes it even. He is my forever sounding board, i always know i will get an honest answer to any question, whether i will like the answer or not.

This morning to say i was a little nervous to leave the house may have been an understatement. My mind raced, my heart pounded at coming face to face with friends that may have read it. To me my blog is a healing process. For me to write such personal things about my life is great. I find it relaxing and a way of acknowledging and owning all that i am.

As we own a coffee shop in a small town, it wasn't long before i was talking to people that knew some of my dirty little secrets. So i decided that i shared so i can bring it up. People have been beautiful about it. Respecting me for sharing and it has started some in depth and amazing conversations today. I feel like i had broken some wall between us as proud people, that saying I'm having a bad day is ok. Being kind to each other and ourselves is something we all want.

I broke protocol,  I put my head on the chopping block and was prepared to take the axe, but i was spared and taken to the castle tower and showed their is another way. Showed i can be me, without judgement, without worry, without fear of the axe falling. So tomorrow may bring greater things, may bring greater joys and sometimes may bring greater falls but there is always the day after tomorrow to start another day of almost anything!

Bx

A slice of fun in the winter sun...

Marty and i decided that due to the school holidays, that the girls deserved to not have to get up and go to the shop at the crack of dawn everyday! So we are taking turns at having sometime off.

Today the girls and i had a very big sleep in. I awoke to the sound of silence in the house. Martin had kissed me good bye a few hours earlier, he stoked the fire to make sure his princess were toasty warm. The sun streamed in our coloured glass front door, painting the walls yellow, green and purple. i got up to check the time as my phone had gone flat over night and found it to be 9.36am. OMG, all the girls were still in bed, including Miss Emerson who never sleeps past 7.30am.

Obviously Marty and i were right in that they needed some rest. So they slowly appeared up and in no real hurry to get going, all the while asking if we could go to the park. It was a beautiful winter day, warm even for July. So we eventually made it to the park after visiting the post office, the shop, the accountant and fold 4 loads of washing so i could get into our bed tonight. You know all the normal things you do on your day off!

So with bikes and skates at the ready we set off. The girls were happy to see so many of their friends at the park. They played for a few hours while i continued to watch and sort out our house finance and staff group certificates. Multi tasking to the max!

I think my skin may have gone into shock with the amount of sun it received today, but it was a lovely feeling as I'm indoors all the time. It's starting to feel like we are getting the hang of the work/life balance. That the girls only have such a short time as kids, that we need to make sure we take time out for them!

Nothing better to do than wash

Well tonight I finally sorted the underwear basket! Which this week turned into 2 baskets because I was being very lazy! 

I dislike this job the most. Washing and hanging out I find I enjoy.... Bringing it in, folding, sorting and putting it away sucks.  

To my amazement my girls have not run out of socks or underwear. In fact their draws look full. With 4 children and my husband and I have worked out on average. We wash at least 42 pieces of underwear, 84 socks, 42 singlets each week alone. 

So when you see someone with 4 or more children you will now think of the washing, washing, washing lol

Everything old is new again...

Well over the weekend i had my first of 4 Mother daughter mornings with my Maya who is 10. It was a morning set up to create a start for conversation about growing into a woman with your child. It was great. I think i got way more out of it, in the sense that i realised what my mother went through thinking about her child growing up and changing from baby/child to woman. IT breaks my heart and makes it feel to full with love at the same time. I don't want her to grow up but then i do want her to grow up and turn into the amazing adult i know she will be.... if any of that makes sense!

I was as always the embarrassing 'Mummy', the poor young girls look so frightened that i said to them at the start that we are just going to talk about Vagina's LOL, which they all laughed and giggled and blushed at. So the devil in me repeated the word over and over again. Some how this brought up the movie Kindergarten Cop, which i remember as a kid thinking it was ever so funny.

That night, as i sat down with the girls i said i have a movie for us to watch, they groaned as it wasn't one they were familiar with. It started and they kept looking at me going this is boring and me saying just give it a chance. They ended up laughing the whole way through and thought it was the best movie in ages.

This got my Husband Martin and i talking about the movies we loved as kids. He listed 'Lady Hawk', 'The Goonies' and i thought of "labyrinth' and 'The navigator'. So we are going to try and watch 1 a week and see how many they love from our past.....

What are your favourite ones from your childhood?

Bx

The first of many

A lazy Sunday has been had in this house. Time has gone slowly! Many loads of washing have been done. The girls have played outside as horses, which has made me smile. Gutters were cleaned out and an hour long bath has been had, which involved a book, a cup of tea and bubbles. 

:)