The dark is scary

For the last few months my world has been very dark. No light has filtered into it. A cloud has cover my mind, body and soul. The depression I had fought a battle with and won a couple of years ago had clawed her nasty way back up and dragged me down into the rabbit hole. She crept up so slowly I never really knew I was changing, until one day life just seemed way to hard, way to sad and way to much for me to bare anymore. 

Although I knew what had happened and how I should get help. Getting help was the hardest to face. I felt like a failure for being back in this dark place. I was embarrassed to have admitt I was a mess again. The only person who knew I had fallen was Marty and as much as he wanted me to get some help, I just couldn't face it until I could recognise when I hit rock bottom. 

The dark completely claimed me a couple of weeks ago. The meds are starting to kick in, the side effects are 'lovely', my smiles are becoming real. I say real because I think I have had a fake one on my face for months and laughing had become minimal. With the hard stuff said, with this darkness comes clarity. I learnt a lot about myself the last time I went through this. 

This time it almost seems like a refined clarity on what I have learnt. It's clarity on existing relationships, clarity on how I should be as a parent, clarity on looking after me. Although I felt like a failure for being back here, I always knew I held strength to fight and strength to be better again, I'm just glad I have some amazing people around me who don't see me as weak but help empower my strength. 

So my days are more grey than black and even hold flashes of light. I laughed again over the weekend and Marty was just gazing at me as he hadn't seen me like it for a while. My protector is never far away and my girls are being amazing with me and my crazy head. 

Which way is up?

You know that feeling of being lost and not knowing which way to go. You think your heading towards the surface only to be going deeper under the way. The feeling of just plain failure, yet you just have run out of ideas on how to fix it. This is my life at the moment, well my parenting feels like this. I am seriously out of ideas on how to deal with kids who just want more no matter how much is given.

How do you get them to understand how rude it is to yell at their parents and argue that they are right and I'm wrong? How do you get them to understand the value of what has been given to them? How do you explain the difference between selfless and selfish in terms they will finally understand? And lastly how do you not just give up?

I tell you, I'm so close to just giving up. I just don't know how to deal with it anymore. I don't know how much I can give up to prove, they are always put first. I mean shit I even put martys wants before mine. I know this is a big moan but I can't help it. I'm seriously at a loss. 

I see all these happy mums out withy their kids and wonder what I'm freakig doing so wrong. So wrong that no outing is ever carefree. 

Give me a reason

I'm spiralling down into a dark place that I know well. I have tried to fight it and keep my head from going in but it seems I'm not so strong. My energy is lacking the fight it needs to hold onto my sanity. I'm weak and the cracks are showing. 

I'm pushing away the closest to me and the funniest part to the whole thing is I did this. I let this happen to me. I broke me by not standing up for my self. I crushed my own heart and stupidly thought I'd be fine. Funny how dumb ones mind can be when you give away too much of yourself. 

And I was dumb as I thought facing what hurt the most would fix it. Wrong! Not smart at all, it then lead to more hurt and pain along with creating a bigger divide between me and everything else. Inside my heart turned to dust and a smile became plastered on my face. How do you mould dust back together? 

Stress has also played her part here. Money... That horrible thing always rears its ugly head. She is a cruel bitch who laughs and stabs you while your down. Anyway, while this situation will be better soon, my head and heart will take time to heal. 

I'm angry at myself for letting me get back here. Maybe I'm meant to live my life at the bottom of a dark, cold and scary hole. Maybe it could just swallow me and save me anymore pain. As much as I want to say I'll fight, the will is just not there. The jigsaw is messed up and too many pieces seem to be missing.