I had struggled a lot in the weeks prior to my birthday. Struggled with my loss, struggled with having to share this moment which should be joy with profound sadness, struggled with not wanting to admit how much I was still hurting and struggled with the fact age although just a number is scaring the f*ck out of me.
So the morning of my birthday, which I honestly thought would be hell as my grief would consume me, was in fact beautiful. I woke to Marty’s warmth behind me and a sense of calm and peace. It was like Mum was holding me too. My day was filled with such love and joy from my girls love, to the kids at work who brought me in not 1 but 3 cakes, which was overwhelmingly lovely, the staff for being beautiful and to the dinner with decorations and favourite pastries, that awaited me when I got home.
It was like the day I had dreaded became a day of joy. Not because she is gone but because she wouldn’t want me to not be happy. Her dying on my birthday although was terrible, it is now and will be forever her greatest gift to me. To not see her suffer anymore, to not see my beautiful strong Mum in pain. That is how I will forever treat her anniversary and my birthday from now on.
So before the country went into lock down we celebrated my birth with a party that was pure extra. Extra in every way! We ate great food, with all my people and the cocktails were pure (very strong) decadence. Laughter and joy echoed through the star lit night. I’m forever grateful for the humans we do life with, their love and friendship is life’s greatest gift.
Being forty is not what I thought, it’s not the end. I feel like I am stronger than I ever have been. I’m more grounded in who I truly am. Big love, Bx
