The year actually started better than the previous one had ended. We had had the worst Christmas Day we have ever had. Family fights had nothing on what occurred that day. Horrible behaviour and one sided truths were exposed. My kids witnessed human behaviour at its worst and I made a promise after seeing the hurt in their eyes that I will never let that happened to them again. I lost my brother that day, he isn’t dead but let’s just say I don’t have a sibling anymore. The new year started with a party with friends, joyful and it held promise of better times.
January passed without any real issues, then Mum got sick. It started with a tooth ache, then she got an infection, then pneumonia was diagnosed, then they found a mass! Our lives felt like we were on a merry go round for the next few months. Scan after scan, appointments with lung specialist, oncologists, nurses and gp. I was juggling strongly, full time work, 4 kids with lots of commitments, still building our house and a husband. It was wearing me down and something had to give.
By May I had to say goodbye to working. I just was struggling to be everything to everyone. It wasn’t an easy choice to make as i had worked hard to be where I was at work. But Time with my family and being able to help without letting people down was all I kept thinking of. I needed to do the right things for the present situation. This in turn meant changes again to our family dynamic. Marty had to change jobs to facilitate this as well and the only way to do this was for him to go back to the mines.
The girls have all grown so much this year. My heart some says yearns for their toddler selves to reappear. The women they are becoming are extrodinary. Maya is this beautiful, smart woman, Amelia is creative without trying and has a voice that makes me pause every time, Georgia is super smart without realising it and still is determine to have thousands of cats and Emerson has morphed into this mature, gentle and caring human that is at complete odds with the toddler she once was. I’m struggling with the years going so quickly because I’m just not ready for them to be grown, I really do think they are all my very best friends.
The months since have been filled with adjustment to our new normal. Treating cancer as a new member of the family, dealing with being a single parent every other week and then having to readjust each other week to having a live in husband again. Learning to find time for myself and knowing that some days it’s just ok to not be ok.
Normally I would be planning the new year and thinking of all the things I would love to do and achieve but I’m not doing that this year. This year I don’t know what the new year will hold but I do know I will tackle it with love. Love for my amazing girls, my selfless husband and for my parents that brought me into the world that now need me to be their rock.
