To be clear

I feel I had to clarify my blog and how I feel about it. It's honest and raw. It's the first thoughts that come to my mind. Which aren't always to prettiest but are the total truth. My blog is my diary of sorts. A way of recording the good, the bad and the just plain Bx moments of my day. 

I'm not perfect. I'm not with out fault. My life is not always fantastic but i do have some perfect in my life. My family and some very close friends whom love me for me and I of them. Warts and all!

I blog to let go of the negative that sometimes surrounds me and I blog the good to embrace all that I have. Sometimes I question the things I write, as they may be to personal for people to take, but we all have a choice. A choice to read, a choice to understand and a choice to be someone's friend. 

I love my blog. It is an outlet that I never thought I would enjoy so much, but I do. As I endeavour to get to the top of the rabbit hole this year and be well 100%, I hope my blog becomes more good than bad!

Bx

Omg

Why do we miss what isn't healthy for us? Why does our heart break when it should rejoice? Why do we say we are moving on only to know how hard it is to let go? Why do I cry for something that was only ever a one sided thing? Why, why, why?

I have no idea why I feel these feelings. I mean I have scars that tell me how unhealthy my feelings are, my wrists hold stories only few know. I am struggling today, Big time and I can not articulate why. Lots of things are coming to a head and I don't think I'm dealing with them as well as I think. 

As much as I shouldn't miss this person, I do. I can't help it, maybe time will make this go away but at the moment it's just a matter of take everyday as it comes and ride the roller coaster that is my head. Today was bad, where tomorrow is going to end up is a guessing game. 

I think a trip to the doctors is in order and I'm scared of his options. I know what I need but that doesn't make me happier. I'm a yoyo that can't wait for the game to finish. 

Poppa bear and his big shoes

This year is chugging along and it's as always fast pace, but only a short amount of time has past since my amazing husband lost his dad suddenly. I've watch him fall to pieces, I've seen him seem like nothing has happen and I've seen it make huge positive changes along with huge negative changes too. 

Like all things it takes time. Time to sink in, time to grieve, time to make mistakes and time to heal. Marty is still finding ways to deal with his loss and at times hasn't always picked the right ways to but he is only human. His heart has a hole in it and only time will help it to heal. 

I found myself today seeing positives out of the dark. Martin and his mum have become even closer than they already were, and it makes me happy to see this. See his face light up when he talks to her on the phone. See his worry over her and how he puts her worry before his own grief. See him taking charge and being the man, where he can. Out of the dark this is the light. 

Our poppa bear has sometimes seemed more bear than man but that hasn't changed the amount we love him. 

Once upon a time....

Have you ever noticed how our weeks seem to be themed. Like a book with a beginning, a middle and an end. Where weeks will have a reoccurring theme, they almost keep repeating until you get the silent point that is trying to be made. 

My weeks seems to have two story lines. One of protecting myself, family and private life and the other of forgetting the past and seriously moving on. I really hadn't put much thought on how the universe seems to do this. But big brother is making his point known this week. 

My first theme has been jumping up and slapping me in the face. I am an extremely sensitive person. I don't like conflict, unless you are my soul mate that loves me more than I love him, so he tells me. I crave space for free thought patterns and being pushed, just pushes me further away. 

Social media is amazing, but it has pitfalls. Accepting a friend request, is not always what you think. Some request because they are that, they are your friend. Others kind of know you and then there are stalkers. We accept because it's rude to deny, but it leaves us very vulnerable, because then everyone thinks they know you. 

We were talking today how Facebook should have better descriptions once your friends. Like Jon smith and Sam jones are now pretend friends, etc. would make for some funny reading as you can imagine other types being listed. I'm not saying this to offend, just that I know I myself may need to assess some of the people I let into my private world. 

My second theme has been a quiet one. One I didn't fully realise until tonight. I feel good. I feel brave and I don't care anymore about events of the previous year. I started looking for a dress for the races last night. 

This was huge considering I vowed I wasn't going to put myself into the lions den, but hey, I'm going. Bigger still I'm going to organise a tent and have a blast.  This all came to me as I walked out the shop tonight past someone I haven't seen for 7 months, which considering the size of our town, amazes me. And you know what I didn't shake. My heart didn't race. I didn't feel sick, I just didn't care one little bit. Yay!!

As I know this week is not over and I'm sure there is more to this story to come. I am sure that I am getting the sub context and reading right between the lines, that I'm engaging in my life. I'm the ruler and I will decide how the story will go. Always ending in they lived happily ever after. 

Roller coaster of love...

I'm sitting here in the bath, eating peanut m&ms and thinking how much stuff got packed into last week. How roles were changed. How when your sick you just need someone to hold your hand. How to use a power tool. How to dance around like no one is watching. My week was full, maybe just a little to full to balance everything with 100% attention but we got through it. 

Sunday night started with a nice dose of gaestro which lasted close to 48 hours. Thankfully only myself and George got it but it was awful. I knew how horrible I felt and here is gorgeous George just being a little trooper. Kids resilience and strength is something I wish I had as an adult. They are stronger than we give them credit for. 

Tuesday was all about Jax. A new little member to our house. He is small, fluffy and at most times this week been too loved by the girls.  Jax is a kitten who has brought lots of life.  He is just a little bit of joy. 

My return to work Wednesday, saw me open my eyes and realise something was not 100% with my gorgeous husband. He seemed lost and tired and I can't quite explain it but he was missing in action and I was worried. In my own misery of being ill I had missed the clear signs that were being broadcasted in surround sound now. I started to panick as I'm the messed up one and he is the strong one. 

I was struggling. I needed help to get him to talk to someone. He did and you know what it made him even stronger my eyes. I mean he lost his dad such a short time ago with no real time to heal from it. His loss is still raw and I think he has been masking it to make the pain go away. Pain which is still such a shock. 

Thursday saw the girls swimming carnival. They were so scared being at a bigger school and competing. So it makes it a little funny to say they all did great. Maya got a first and a second. Amelia got 2 firsts and the twins got 3rd and 4th. It was the first of the kids school carnivals I have ever enjoyed. It was stress free and I had no anxiety at all. Yay for this. 

Friday saw valentines day. A day in which I feel I have everyday. As my eyes opened, Marty's arms swarmed me and I was greeted with a card and the peanut m&ms I'm currently devouring. His card was to perfect for word and my heart melted completely. 

The girls had the day off due to the twilight carnival and insisted that they needed to buy Marty and I something for the love day. They bought chocolates and made a card, which on the front read  'guess who loves you?' It went on inside about how much they loved us and we were the best mum and dad ever! My heart was then just a puddle on the floor. 

Saturday came around with a bang and we finished the week with a double shot culture night at the shop. Marty I think exceeded himself with the food. I have never eaten chicken so tender and my mouth was inlove with the mocha toffee pudding that finished the night. The entertainment was amazing and our shop even had people dancing in it. One might have been me!

So tonight as I sit here getting off the roller coaster that was my week and waiting in line for the next one. This week had love everywhere in it. From small to down right big love. 

Heat wave

I'm not one to complain about the heat or the cold. I love both! I love the heat, where you can swim, wear lose light clothes and being about to spend more hours outdoors than in. I love the cold, snuggling up in front of the fire, cosy sleeping where cuddling doesn't overheat you. So here I go with a bit of a whinge. 

This god dam heat wave where every day has been close to 40 if not above is starting to wear thin. Does Mother Nature  not realise that this lady and her main man are trying to build the shouse of their dreams. We just need another week to get our roof on and then it can be hot. 

In saying this we will get it all done and the rains will come and the end of summer will be mild and pleasant. I apologise for whinging about something as fickle as a shouse interruption when the farmers need rain along with the native wildlife. 

To see the kangaroos and birds coming right up to homes in search of a drink is sad. The rain is something that has been a huge missing factor this summer. No rain equals things dying. Our garden has suffered many losses and with the heat not giving up any time soon many more May follow. 

Fingers crossed some relief is on the cards and Mother Nature starts to be a little nicer to all of us. 

Bx

High tea and rock n roll

Tuesday night the words nobody puts baby in the corner came to mind. We went rock n roll dancing with our best friends. We giggled, laughed and had a battle of wills between Marty and I over who was going to lead. And when you look at Marty and Paul realise they have dressed exactly the same and not think its weird, just a little cute. 

Our dinner then followed and I have to say, you know when you are truly friends with someone when the conversation just flows and the laughs are un countable.  These people are beautiful in every way and I feel like we won a lottery when they came into our lives. 

Today saw a meeting of ladies. Bellini pancakes with cinnamon butter, granita of coconut and mango and a mimosa just because you can! Lots of laughing and sharing of stories were on the cards. A morning of just enjoyment, total ease of conversation that you would think we had all known each other from birth. 

In reality we haven't, it's still all new for me anyway. I'm a newbie to this group and I don't feel like I am which is amazing. These girls are gorgeous, they are truly just nice people. Blessed I am to be ask to spend a morning with them. 

Whether dancing like I was sandy off grease or drinking a mimosa cocktail at 10.30 in the morning. These people are truly worth thanking for being just who they are. It's a pleasure to spend time with you and I always leave your company with a smile. Thank you 

Bx