The way the wind blows

This week has been a little strange. It has held the return of school with my normally very late children being up and ready before we wake. It has seen us finally refinance after 4 months of process   

It has seen me have a complete melt down after being brave enough to stand up for myself. It has seen no guilt for the first time in many years over another's pain. It has seen me relax and laugh with people I can truly call friends. It has been a strange week. 

This week has had to be handled with just going with the flow. It all just felt a little off kilter. My highs were huge and my lows were hard to get up from. My mood at times has found it hard to rebound quick enough to keep up. 

I also found myself feeling sorry this week. I found I felt sorry for the young girls that are missing out over what happened months ago. I watched my eldest blank a girl she onced called a friend. I understand why she did it but I know deep down she wishes things were different. I wanted in that moment to make things right but as it stands I can't do that for them. 

This week showed me how your mum is and will always be your defender. She did something that I only dream I could to people who have hurt ones self. She showed just how big Her back bone is and showed she is never scared!

As I sat today reflecting on the week with my parents. It was humbling to have so many emotions running through ones self at the same time. I felt guilt free, sad, happy, excited, right, powerful, depressed and tired all at once. My wish is that next week holds less emotions and less stress so the happy can blow through!

All the little things....

I truly dislike negative thinking, complaining about things that aren't truly important. Wanting more, needing more, having more, more, more, more. It frustrates me that us as people could have perfection and still want something else. Satisfaction seems to be out of reach for most, yet most of us have everything you would ever truly want in front of us. This always wanting whats on the other side of the fence behaviour is a hard one the break, but once you break it, you see the world completely different.

I can not pin point the moment in my life i stopped looking over every ones fence and wanting what they had. I don't know when i stopped trying to be something i was not and started being just me. The moment i looked around at my beautiful husband and girls and knew i had perfection sitting in front of me all the time. All i know is that the world and life is so much better when you stop looking at everyone else and start realising what you have.

Living in the here and now. Experiencing the moments of your perfect little life. Knowing each and every day there will be ups and downs. Knowing that your search could have been over long ago if you stopped your wondering eyes. I'm glad that my path lead me to a place that made me realise i was spending time and effort on the wrong things and its really the little things that make your heart melt. The little things that make you richer, happier, fuller and a better person. 

So my advice for anyone that always sad about the what ifs, i wants or i need, is to look at what you do have, realise how rich, full and happy your life is. Take time to smell the roses and enjoy the ride your on. Small things are truly huge!

He completes me

I feel I need to document my insatiable need for my husband. I'm almost greedy when it comes to him. No amount of time spent with him seems to be enough. He is part of me and I can't seem to last long without him near. 

He makes me feel like I'm a goddess and he is there only for my happiness. His eyes are always on me, to show me he is aware of my presence. His touch is never far away and there when I need it. He is my protector and lover all in one. 

My husband is not perfect, for I am not perfect. He does things that make me cranky. He makes me scream. I make him scream. 

My want for him after all this time has not faded. In fact it has grown. I want him more now than 18 years ago, I love him more than I did 18 years ago. I lust after him like a puppy, which when I say it sounds a little embarrassing. I'm still smitten!

I thought these feelings would change after time. I thought you were meant to almost just become friends and the lovers part fades.  I was wrong, I found my perfect match, that October day all those years ago. 

I will never get my fill of him, like the best cake in the world. My want, need and love for him grows by the day until it is almost painful. 

I love him to the moon and back. I will be his until the end of our days. 

Working 9 to 5!

This week has seen our return to work after almost 3 weeks of holidays. I was super excited to return on Monday. I missed work. I know I'm strange and not normal at all, but i really missed it. Don't get me wrong i loved being off. I loved spending time with the girls, even though they fought like they were fighters in the WWF. I loved seeing the S-house start to happen. I loved being just a little lazy and lounge around on the very, very hot days of a Grenfell Summer. As all good things go, reality kicks in and you have to engage back to reality.

Taking time off, has some great advantages. It gives you time to breath, think and re-group. Once your brain relaxes, it starts to think again. It has time to get its mojo back and not just continue on in groundhog zone. This is just what happen and we thought of new products to take the shop. New things to try and ways to expand on the path that we have been heading down. So once we hashed it out, sorted out our plan of action, we set out in making all of it happen. This is where the excitement comes from, wanting to share our ideas with our customers. Like kids waiting for their birthday party to start.

This is not the only reason for the excitement, i was excited to see our customers. Excited to be back working, busy and happy to have the stress. When I'm truly honest, i love the juggling. Juggling the kids, work and everything else in-between. Monday i was riding a huge high and i still haven't come down from and that is probably why having a break from the norm every now and then is good for every part of your life.

All i can put all of these feelings down to is that I'm doing what i love. I enjoy working with my best friend. I love that what we create is enjoyed by many and that our customers really missed us not being open.  We have a great team, they make most days feel like play not work. I'm truly blessed to feel this way. 

1, 2, miss a few 99, 100....

Last night was probably the worst night sleep i have had in a long time. I tossed and turned. I never felt like i fully went to sleep. My head had crazy vivid dreams that seem to be happening behind my eyes and i could see all the room around me at the same time. I really couldn't think of a reason as to why i wasn't sleeping. I'm not really stressed, i mean I'm on holidays and doing fun stuff with the shouse and new things in the shop, so i was a little confused. The alarm went off this morning, in-which i had woken exactly one minute before it chimed. I knew i didn't feel 100%, but until i got up and started to get ready for the day, was when i put two and two together and realised why.

 I had missed my HAPPY PILL yesterday! 

I was crazy mean to Poor Marty this morning. I was screaming at the kids to hurry up. I just wasn't happy. I wanted to cry and scream and sleep and cry and cry and scream even louder some more. You wouldn't think it would play up so quickly and you don't really think that this small pill holds so much sanity in it. My day continued with me snappy and cranky and sad all at the same time. I parted the girls like moses and Marty would have been be-headed if we were in the middle ages. I was a mean Queen!

This knowledge has frustrated me some what, as it was only days ago i was thinking how well i feel and how i may be able to start to ween off them. This had made me happy, as i seriously had thought this feeling would not happen. How i was wrong, it hasn't been all that long that i have been taking them in the grand scheme of things, but i thought i may be getting better. I don't like this person at all. She is nasty, frazzled, sad, mean and struggles to even string three words together.

Depression is such a weird thing. You can be a happy person, which i am and still suffer with it. I know time is all that is needed, but it is very scary to feel how quickly you can slip off the edge and back falling down the hole. You feel like you are falling until the chemical kicks in and provides a rope that pulls you back out. 

Just not the best today.

Today my mummy skills just plain sucked. To be honest none of us slept well last night while camping and wind gusts of 60kms happening. Marty was up and Down all night. Which meant so were we. By the time morning turned up, we were already in bad moods. 

The girl began barking at each other like jack Russell's from the moment they made eye contact. The day continued along with barking until I just couldn't stand it any longer. Miss E was losing it with everyone so I insisted she have a sleep. Argh. Actually double argh. 

1 hour and 15 minutes of high pitch screaming followed until she finally gave in even if for only 25 minutes. She slept. They were nice after that. For a little while. Then the barking started again and  again and again. 

I asked, I yelled, I pleaded, I swore to myself, I cried a little but they just didn't stop. Finally I looked at Martin and said I can't do it anymore. You deal with them and made a remark. Implying I should technically be a heavy drinker. 

I made a cup if tea and got ten minutes time out. It was all I needed and it made a world of difference. I love my girls to bits but sometimes they are more jack Russell then child! Not my best parenting day but I'm sure I will have worse and I know I will have better. 

Bx