A parents tale in a frozen setting

The feel of my kids hands is the softess thing I have every felt. I find myself while holding their hands rubbing their palms. It's something that they must notice cause occasionally they do it back to me if I haven't done it. As a mum it's one thing I do and have never really thought of why!

Today we got to experience something completely new for the girls and I, SNOW! It was truly beautiful. The sight is one that is not easily relayed. It's hard to do the scene  of how it looks even in a picture. It's white, fluffy, cold but not at the same time. It seems to just be! 

The girls faces the first moment they seen it from the car were priceless and hard not to get caught up in the awe if it. The girls once we parked ran to the first bit they could see and rolled! Had snow fights and giggled non stop. 

They went on tub rides, taboggans and skied! I watch in awe how fearless they were and how they picked it up so easily. I'm not going to say the day was without whinging, cause it wasn't. My family all ended up with colds and coughs. So when the Panadol ran out y'know the girls would just deflat and whinge. 

The whinging was really minimal compared to the rest of the day. My girls had a day they will remember. An experience that I kind of got the same view of, considering I'm 34 and this was my first experience with snow! 

A snowman was made with many renditions of "do you want to build a snowman?"  It's not as easy as you would think. Snow is a lot harder to moluld than it looks. Olaf was pretty cute though and the kids all helped to make it which was uber cute. 

Seeing Marty. I'm sure seeing his girls experience something he grew up with everyday made me smile. Watching him take them down the taboggans. Smiling at them while they learnt to ski and having the proudest grin in his face as they succeeded was gorgeous. He made my heart expand today by the pride I seen in him.  

I'm sure my girls day was up there for them. It was up there for me. So as we travelled home. My but is sore and the girls are tired, today rocked for more than one reason. Colds, coughs and all. The snow was freaking awesome. 

A rabbit hole has taken another

This week has been sad. Sad of the loss of Robin Williams. He was a funny man. A smiling man and a famous man. His demons were obviously bigger than his humour and his fame. His rabbit hole was deep and he fell! Fell all the way to the bottom and decided to stay there as his choice to exist the rabbit hole. His strength had all left him and his fight for freedom had been lost. His choice was hard. Harder than most realise. 

Suicide is a hard choice. It to an outsider seems like a way out. An easy choice and very selfish. Once upon a time I would have thought the same. Would have judged them harshly for doing such a thing. 

Not now!

Not ever again!

Now my heart breaks to know how hard that choice would have been and how helpless they would have felt to get to that moment. How strong one must be to resound your self to following through with it. How when your in that head space, you just want the pain to be taken away.

I almost followed through with Robins same decision. I just wanted to never hurt again. To never feel the pain of this monster. For the monster to win and take me away. Away from the negative and be free from hurting anyone else. When your in that moment, you blame yourself, you blame only yourself!

I remember every cut! Every cut made the pain inside ease. It's weird to say that out load but it did. 

My luck was that my love found me and made me realise my pain can be his pain. That my heart he could heal through his strength. He would help me climb out of the rabbit hole. I was lucky to have him! Not everyone is this lucky or feels they can share the load of the pain of depression. 

One lesson I learnt probably the same day I tried to end my life. That some people in your life are not good for you. Some don't belong there and some are just nasty souls that are not able to care about another's pain. From that day I shared my inner workings of my head.  Yes it was hard and yes I honestly worried that many others would be like this nasty soul. Yet I shared and it helped. 

Saying that your messed up and not perfect is healthy. Healthy to make people know I'm not perfect. That my mind needed work. It needed a helping hand. I want people to talk. Tell each other how you are. Be honest. We all are better if we work as one and stop hiding in the bushes as such. 

I wish Robin could have had someone help take part of his pain away. Had helped him make his way out and be well. I wish he could have talked freely about his demons to his people. Sharing his mess without judgement. Seriously it's not that much to expect these days. May his death make way for others to share their pain. 

RIP funny man!

What to write when you just can't

The last few weeks have flown. The shouse is moving along at such a pace Marty is saying 4 weeks and we will be in. The business stuff isn't as quick but we have a plan, the council have given us the green light but we have to wait on the building owners to get back to us. That part is frustrating cause I want to share it all with everyone, even down to the name change!

My blogging has taken a seat at the back of the bus in all of this and even though lots is happening the mojo to write has been evading me. I'm exhausted I think. I have been going to the gym everyday and then we head straight to the block after that. By the time i sit down at night my brain has already checked out and I'm left on auto pilot until I recharge over night. 

So my thought was to get in before it left to just share my life as it stands at the moment. So much is happening but it's not flying by unnoticed. A major thing that has happened is the happy pills are no more. I am totally off my antidepressants! 

This to most is not story worthy but I think it is something of worth  as it has been my journey for the last 18 months. I'm pleased to say I have made it out of the rabbit hole and am extremely happy with myself and I can only attribute this to my beautiful family and amazing friends. 

Emerson has finally learnt how to do her hair up in an elastic! This is huge, Em hates learning anything that will mean she will have to do it herself! So proud of her small changes. The girls are catching the bus after school to the block which makes me smile to see them comfortable enough to so it, since Maya was adamant that she wasn't catching it. Amelia is maturing and allow her mouth gets the better of her, she is finally taking responsibility for her things. Praise The Lord! George is our quiet achiever, always happy and always works hard at school. The girls are doing great. 

So this was me just checking in and saying I'm doing great. Things are all working out and life is making me smile. Once my exhaustation settles down and with this the mojo comes back I'm sure my blogging will be a little more regular. Until then it's just a bit at a time :)