Parenting, is... Hard (sometimes)

This last week I have been tested by one of my girls. I know this as a phase as her older sister had the same moments. Moments of pushing the boundaries just a little bit further. Speaking just a little harsher and making me feel like I'm doing a very crap job at this parenting business. I mean when you feel guilty over your child being in trouble, something has gone a miss ( am I right?).

This week I feel I have raised my voice equally to how much I have laughed. I laugh a lot so you can see my problem. The mornings and some evenings which are normally very mellow have held angst and tears. Lines yelled at me like 'you blame me for everything' and ' you don't believe me'. This has hurt, because I love all my children equally just differently. You can't love them identically as they are all different and our relationships are all very individual, but simply I have no favourites!

So this morning all these issues came to a head! Which meant what started out to be this beautiful mellow morning of the last day of the school week, turned into a yelling match with a two year old tantrum. Please note I don't have a two year olds in this house. I took a big deep breath and tried to stay calm to try and make my point about the behaviour sink into this beautiful and cranky little creature. 

With Marty away, I felt a little lost for support but I think I managed to get her to understand that what she is doing is not how we treat the people we love and hopefully it sank in just enough to help her to remember. Parenting is so hard and when you have more than one, making sure you are fair and consistent is flipping hard. 

So my hope is that when my kids pile off the bus in oh two minutes that they are happy and the afternoon and evening only holds joy without the angst. 

Bx

To be a kid again

I sitting here at the local pool, watching my kids play and swim with other kids. They are having a blast. Kids build bridges fast and make friends even faster. Kids don't hold grudges and don't hold onto baggage. Why as adults do we lose this? When do we change and decide we can't move on from things. When does this happen?

Is it also hard for us adults to say sorry. We just plain suck at it. We teach our kids to own their mistakes and tell anybody that they are sorry for hurting them. Not us big kids, we dig our heals in and just hold onto the gabage that is crap. But how do you de clutter the crap that really has no meaning. 

I think I'm going to start taking pointers from my kids. I will have no baggage. I will hold no crap in and I will try to build bridges when there seems no way to. Im going to try and find that innocence while  still holding all the knowledge I have learnt in this life so far. 

Talking out loud

Well finishing up at the shop happened with a forced stay in hospital. Two weeks later and I'm starting to feel really good. Getting back into exercising and eating good. Being at home is a little strange, almost boring and very lonely at times. I'm filling my days with a job list and trying to achieve all of those things but when it's quiet, it's really quiet! Almost talking to yourself worthy. 

With this said, it's a joy to cook meals again and be a proper family on the weekends. To not have the distraction of the shop ruling your brain and ruining every family moment, because your just not focused on the here and now! It's nice to be able to give the girls time. To take them to the pool in the afternoons and let them be kids. To curl up with my husband on the lounge at night and not be talking about work and thinking about things to be done tomorrow. 

So I applied for a job last month and yesterday I got a call to come in for an interview. It's part time and would be perfect for me. I'm not getting to excited or caught up in the thought of getting it as what will be, will be. My only thoughts have been, it's been a while between interviews and I'm a little nervous! Like, butterfly's and stomach churning type of nerves. 

I think after my night of constant thought of the impending interview, I have come to the conclusion I'm just going to be myself. They will either like me or not, but at least I will be comfortable. I think if I keep that thought pattern then it should be fine. 

So I better start my day, cleaning, gardening and exercising are on the list today. 

Just not a good patient

I'm writing this at 1am in the morning, sitting in a hospital bed that has been mine now for three nights. I don't get sick and I certainly don't like staying in hospital. I arrived here very unwell, but still thinking I'm ok, it's not that bad. Well crap I was wrong. Extremely high temp, head throbbing and chest tightening were my only symptoms, so I became there mystery patient. 

Awesome! I'm a mystery and not in a cool, sexy kinda way. No one knew what it was except it had to be an infection of some kind, they hoped. Iv antibiotics were started straight away and lots and lots of blood taken to try and find an answer to the conundrum that is me!

So day two comes around of my stay and I'm told I have to stay for more monitoring. No answers as to why and that's when I start to lose my shit. I'm not a kid you can omit information from to protect them and I'm not the elderly that just don't want to know all the gory details of it. I'm me, I need to know otherwise, yes I will tell myself I'm fine and just want out of this place. 

In all this I'm not saying I'm refusing treatment or have attempted to leave. I have been frustrated with no one telling me everything. So tonight as I was woken for my midnight observations and antibiotics, I got some answers and finally understood why they are worrying about letting me out. I'm sick, very sick. Scary sick actually. 

We still haven't got to the core of how this happened but what I know now is my platelets are extremely low along with my white blood cell count. It has a name now, which is frightening. 

I'm scared, so very scared of what this path is leading down. I just want to go home and be with my family. As the tears stream down my face right night, I have to admit I'm struggling. My heart is aching and Im scared shitless of what is around the next bend.