A bone i have found,

Yesterday i took the girls to the movies, this is a big day. 300km round trip to sit and watch a movie. This was the least we could give the girls after such a crappy holidays. With moving, Dad's operation and a very busy shop with no chance to take a day off, we felt we owed them. So we set off early in the morning, the girls were singing and dancing the whole way over. Even the car got a little bit of love as we detoured through the car wash.

We arrive at the cinemas to see 'The Lego Movie'. Can't say I was jumping at joy to watch it but the girls were keen. The movie was as I thought, bad, and I like kids movies, but this was just plain bad! I however never told the kids I thought this as they all loved it and as it is similar to mine craft could find no fault in it. 

We then hit the shops, we went to Kmart, which I admit I have not been in one for over 8 years! It is actually really cheap, which meant we spent up a little. The girls were all chuffed with their stuff and I just had to pay for it hehe. 

With all that shopping done we needed a food stop, so we found a little cafe and headed for the booth seats. The girls were all a little over excited about what food to choose that the man sitting beside us went unnoticed until my wild mills climbed through the booth side and bumped his table by accident. I was mortified by what she had done but nothing prepared me for what this man did. 

He verbally abused her with no regard for me standing there. Then swore loud enough for us all to hear. That's when I seen red. I said to him, did you just swear at a child. He couldn't look at me. He had nothing. So I dropped to his level and told him where to go. It shocked me on a few levels that I did this. One i don't do confrontation and the other reason is that i had no Male with me for any sort of protection and yet i did it. I seriously had an outer body experience when it happened. I believe i had no idea who this person was?

I'm in no way condoning this behaviour. I'm not known for aggression and not in my nature to want to fight. All i can put all this new strength down to is finally learning my worth. Finally making it to the top of the rabbit hole and i will never let anyone ever make me or anyone that means the most to me feel anything but the best about them selves. I am finding i really like this new me. She is completely honest, she hates negative that breeds in gossip and she will not buy into two faced people and will never be someones batting ram for all the money in the world.

Growing this back bone, hurt, really really hurt.  The pain although it did break me several times, was worth it. I will never forget the pain, for it is the constant reminder that this new bone will remain for the rest of my days.

A heart holds a home

My blogging has been a bit of a not
happening of late. So much has been happening, yet I have not had time to document it. It has been so crazy that I really don't think I myself have caught up to what's happening. A deep breath I took and sleep was so needed that I never woke today until almost noon! So now let me elaborate on life as we now know it. 

A few weeks ago we agreed to rent our family home out to a family I can only describe as beautiful, strong and a kin spirit in so many ways. People that see beauty in love not wealth. Where I know my house will be made a home by them. Love will still live there and the four walls that will surround them will be the sanctuary through good times and the bad. 

Today saw us finish off the cleaning of moving and seen me say thank you to a place that brought us so much happiness  and good bye to that chapter of my heart. I'm truly a very centimental person, I remember moments so clearly that it's like living them over. My soul once attached can not let go as much as I try, but good bye I said. 

This week on top of moving, my loveable dad went to Sydney to have open heart surgery. It was such a time stood still moment that I don't think life started again until word was heard on Good Friday that the surgery went well. It was a hard thing to watch as I could feel the worry coming from Marty after only a short time ago losing his dad from the same disease. 

This weekend also held the picnic races. It was a day of strength and fun. A day where wining a race was second to wining the battle of my head. I faced demons and you know what. I wasn't scared. I couldn't have cared how many eyes I faced, they meant nothing to me anymore. I have finally found the strength that was hidden deep beneath the crap of sorrow. The races were awesome. 

Sleep was not a priority, nor a stable diet this last week. Stress rained supreme.  Marty and I hardly cuddled let alone a kiss. We had been so overwhelmed we just seemed to exist this week. This was the icing on the cake. Once the dust settled I spotted my everything and this lead me home. 

I feel like today a new chapter is starting. One where we look after ourselves and each other. The shouse will be complete and this Christmas will be a complete block one. Our hearts will have a new home and new memories will be made. The strength will be on top and sorrow will remain in the past. 

Rolls we play

Today I had a day for me. Me, glorious me. I laughed, laughed more and yes, laugh some more and more. I looked in shops, sometimes just browsing in my own happy place. It was Devine. It felt good and then my roll changed. I become the one of comfort and reassurance. I was the strong one. 

Doubt has spread it's wings and claimed another victim. I seriously hate this doubt business. I have lived with this special creature and knows how it spreads like a virus and no antibiotics will help. So the question is how do you reassure someone, when the seed is living in you too. 

It takes very little for me to doubt myself, my actions, the people around me, blah, blah, blah! So how do you know what doubt is valid. Whether doubt is true. Whether your prepared for an unwanted answer, I just don't know. 

All I know is when I see doubt spread I second guess my path, where I'm heading and what to do. All or nothing, as doubt lives in between. 

The treasures you find when your not looking

Over the last week we have been packing up our home of ten years. When we moved in all those years ago, there was three of us. Now lives six! We have not only doubled in numbers, we've doubled in beds, clothes, toys, linen and the list keeps going. When I first started packing boxes, I seriously had no idea where to start. We just have so much stuff. 

Once I started, it has been fairly easy. I found that taking the centimental things down and packing them away made the feelings of saddness leave me. I now have many empty cupboards and draws. My walls contain no photos and the boxes have started to be moved into storage. 

Today as I packed, I came across old letters, letters that Marty had written me almost 19 years ago, cards that spoke of feelings that have only grown deeper and forever love that will never die. I did get a little side tracked with some of these, they made me truly smile. I also found old diaries, old letters I had written to myself to help let go of helpless feelings and I also found old letters from a long gone friend, talking of never being able to repay me what I had done for her and how I was a true friend. 

These letters are my history and future all in one. They tell tales of love, promise and truth. Things shared that once written are forever said but not always remaining. All the letters hold meaning and made me smile. My past is what rounds us, good, bad and honest. 

Our excitement is growing at a rapid pace, as the days draw nearer to our departure. I'm going to always love this house but the important things that live between these four walls are coming with me. So there is no reason for saddness, just memories of all the love that was made and all the fun that was had. 

Back to the packing.......Bx 

A life in boxes!

Today I started packing boxes to move. It has been something I have struggled to start. As much as I want to move on, I'm very attached to the places I have lived. Attached to the memories that were made and the life that was created in between the four walls. I'm a shocker but I just can't help it. So I started packing and got the hardest part done first. The photos on the wall. 

I have to say I had just a little cry when the photos came down, but I think it almost made the packing easier. Easier to let go and easier to see the future. It made my home just my house. I know strange but this is me. The small things are crazy important and the big things are just a means. 

Putting your life in a box is sometimes for closure, sometimes for looking into the future and sometimes it is for our lives to move into another direction. As I was putting our things into the boxes I felt hope, saddness, excitement and a tiny bit scared. 

As the boxes start to pile high and the cupboards became empty, I say goodbye to the home that 3 of my babies came home to, where we said goodbye to many loved ones and where the house we bought back in 2004 became our home and life has been good, bad and down right strange at times kind of life. 

Back to the packing Bx