How we are...

Oh my oh my, where on earth do I start? Life has been so up and down the last few months. We have moments of pure joy and clarity and then we slide straight down the roller coaster at pace to serious lows. Hormones are at maximum level, which ensures emotions are on point. At the very centre feels to be me. Trying to navigate everyone’s emotions, love everyone completely and be kind enough to myself to be a better version than I feel I’m being of myself. 

Of late I could literally run from the house and never look back. I know it’s so wrong, but if I’m honest, I’m sure I’m not alone in feeling like this sometimes. Being a parent isn’t always perfect insta photos and rainbows. It’s sometimes just crazy hard. Hard because you love these humans so much it hurts when they are being just plain horrible to you. 

I think these feelings are made even harder when people tell me how lovely our girls are. How we are raising amazing humans and that we should be so proud. Don’t get me wrong, who doesn’t want to here your kids are being good, yet having someone tell me I should write a book about how to get your kids to be amazing, was a little shock. This request was hard not to laugh at as I knew that only moments before I was losing my ever loving crap about one them about their behaviours. 

It is a bit of a double edge sword, because it makes me stupidly happy the girls are good for other people. Present themselves correctly and show respect and have manners, yet on the other hand, I’d love to not have to be the angry Mum always yelling at them to stop being shit humans to me or each other. 

So here in lies where we are. We are sitting in a limbo of almost repeating the same conversations daily and it’s wearing me down. I really hate sounding like I’m moaning but I feel like I need someone to give me some different ideas on how to get off the roller coaster, to maintain an even footing on life and have just a few more rainbows than dark stormy clouds. 

the secret life of teenagers

Life of late has been a blur of just getting through every day. Trying to be there for everyone while not drowning in my own grief. In saying that, I still have not managed to keep everyone together. In all honesty, I feel like I’m failing big time. 

Over the weekend, I opened my eyes to my Mills and acknowledged the change in her behaviour. I discovered a lot of truths that made me upset but mostly it just hurt to know I hadn’t been paying enough attention. I have been walking around the past few months with my own grief held tight inside me. Trying to keep everyone going but without really seeing anyone or their needs. I failed them and myself. 

So I’m lost, lost in how I guide her to do the right thing by herself always. To be her true authentic self without having to pretend she is something she isn’t just to be friends with certain people. To teach her, her worth and to value true friends that would never ask her to change. This seems easy to say but hard to do. You see, she is a head strong young lady who we created. 

This wild, creative and beautiful creature is her own person, who is fiercely independent. She has always been the quiet achiever and lately has almost disappeared from family life. Hiding away in her room. Taking sanctuary from home life,which we had noticed and had tried to encourage a change. This want came to a head over the weekend. 

I opened my eyes, not really prepared to find what I seen but I put my big girl panties on and dealt with it. In her eyes I’m probably the Monster for the punishment she received but learning boundaries is key. Learning to respect yourself and living a life filled with love and trust from the people who love you most in this life. I know she will get through this rough patch of finding her feet in this world, it’s just she can’t see the bigger picture yet. 

In all of this, the one person I wanted to ask for guidance, was the one person I couldn’t. Although Marty and I work as an infathomable team, my Mum was the one that would always confirm what Marty said. ‘I am doing a great job’ or ‘you’re an amazing mother’. Her reassurance, although just words, was enough. 

I love being my girls mother. They teach me probably more than I teach them. They are all unique, all beautiful and all bound to be amazing adults. This week has just been a bump in one of their roads. A bump that hopefully will spring her forward into clearer waters. 

Kiss My Fat Ass

So I don't know about anyone else my age, but I know that growing up I was very critical of how my body looked. Other girls were critical of my body and vice versa. Body shaming was normal, fat was not accepted, eating disorders reined supreme and being comfortable in swimwear seemed abnormal.

It seemed no matter what size we were, what looked back at you in the mirror was always less than perfect. So much of my teen years I hated and now at almost 39 the scars of those years are still so strong. I find it even harder as I have 4 beautiful daughters that I run a fine line of making sure they never doubt themselves all the while I struggle with my own self esteem. So of late I have really felt I need to change these feelings and doubts I have in myself, to finally be the best version of myself.

This want for change has been growing and seemed to hit fever pitch after I purchased a bikini while we were on holidays. I wore it while we were away and felt confident, which secretly was because the only people that knew me were Marty and the girls. We arrive home to our small country town and I wear it once to the local pool and bam! Insecure Sally arrives and I clam up. Self doubt and wanting to cover up was all the thoughts that were going through my head. Yet my want to be proud of the fact I've lost 5kgs, my thighs no longer over lap and my arse does have less dimples than it did last summer due to a simple plan of moving more and eating cleaner.

Like a light bulb switches on as people I am following on Instagram, they all start thinking the same way. Self love is what we need to do. Stop comparing ourselves to unrealistic and photoshopped perfection. Stop judging ourselves so harshly and stop trying to compete with every woman on the planet. To embrace my daughters attitude that 'Everybody has a swimsuit body!' Its funny how you as the adult are meant to be the teacher to your children, but in this moment of my thought process, they are teaching me. To love myself, be proud of the skin I live in and to remember that this body has done some amazing things by growing four humans.

So I today I took a photo of my backside in the afore mentioned bikini and am determine to be ok with how it looks. Own my curves and love myself sick! #kissmyfatass