A letter to the old me

Dear old me,

How are you? Are you being true to yourself and the ones around you? Have your friends got your back and care what happens to you? Have you been honest with yourself about where you stand in Your group of friends?

I hope that one day you wake up and realise how you have been treated for years. I hope you weigh up what's important in this world and if they don't rate then kick them to the kerb. I beg you to give your loyalty to ones that will return it 10 fold and not drive the knife into your rib cage. Please stop wasting time people pleasing to fit in with the so called cool kids and find people that love you for all that you are. 

My final hope is that one day you start being kind to yourself. 

Yours truly,

The you of today

When I look back  on my life here in the country, I am gutted I seem to have lost so much time on being loyal and friends with people who didn't deserve it. All I can say is I had one very big lesson to learn and it took the long way round to get to its destination. 

I thank all the negative people who have come into my life here. You were put here for a reason. You have made me stronger, much more guarded and protective of my inner workings. You have also made me humble, I no longer wish to play petty childish games, I don't want to walk away from conversations knowing full well I will be the next cab off the rank of gossip and nasty talk. I no longer will keep up with the jones! 

I am me, not perfect but happy to acknowledge it. I make huge mistakes but am happy to own when I am in the wrong. When i look in the mirror today, I like the person I see and if you don't that's ok. I'm happy with the new me. 

Bx

My thoughts to share

I was thinking today about why I started blogging. Thinking of how it makes me feel. Remembering how nervous I was the first time I put my thoughts out there and how I wasn't sure of I ever wanted to tell anyone including Marty that I was blogging. 

I found a friend in my blog. A friend is what i needed when i started writing which i now realise i never had. A friend that I could turn to that actually let me talk. It's really kinda sad when you think of it that my friend is my own head. 

To write my worst, my best, my funniest and my saddest thoughts down is a way of healing and letting go. I love doing it and have never thought of myself as a writer but I find my internal workings sometimes a little interesting.  

Adayinthelifeofbx has become another part of me. One of my favourite parts. 

No news is good news

Well I have struggled since returning from Sydney with bloggers block. The last 3 weeks have happen with such a blur that I haven't had a moment to catch my breath and review or even acknowledge all that has happened. It has been bugging me a lot. I have wanted so many times to sit and write but the words just wouldn't come. It was like they had vanished and I had no way of getting them to come back. 

These last few weeks have had a lot of pain in them. With the extremely sudden passing of my father inlaw, I hadn't realised that since that happened, three weeks of my life had flown by. Watching my husband deal with his loss was extremely hard. At times he has  worried me senseless but then the moment passes and my happy go lucky man reappears. This tragedy has changed something in his core. A change that has seen a man more humble with his life than ever and a man more incline to make the changes he has found hard to achieve. 

This last few weeks have also brought extreme joy. The joy of seeing a long awaited plan come to fruition. Our double shot fine dining culture nights finally started. The first of many happen this pasted weekend. We were as excited as kids in a candy shop and as nervous as a young couple on their first date. 

As the first plates hit the tables our hearts raced. We waited and waited and waited, finally we ventured out and the reviews were great! So the courses that followed happen smoothly and all in all the night was a huge success! It made us feel like we are heading in the right direction with our business. 

Also in all of this stuff that has happened over the last few weeks, we are putting together our DA application for our house. Which is so exciting I find I get so distracted by it. 

So as my block still plagues me and writing this down has been a struggle. I am taking a big deep breath and a moment to catch up on all that has happened in what seems like a blink of an eye. 

I think i had gotten on a roller coaster three weeks ago that I wasn't told about and I don't think I'm aloud off until the new year. "as we sit at the top of the ride ready to go full speed down the track". I won't close my eyes, I will breath deep, I will hang on and enjoy the ride!

To be a kid again

Childhood is the best thing that ever happens in our lives and its not until we are older watching our kids that we realise this. It is a time where we crave to be treated older and time seems to take forever. But looking back time went fast and you would do anything to get back to the carefree ways.

Today in the planning and organising of a funeral. The girls are a happy distraction. Swimming at the local pool, laughing, giggling and playing. Things seem OK. You can forget the pain and smile. Smile for the happiness that can be seen on these innocent girls faces. Smile because they have a way of making you think that life is pretty good and laughing is good for the soul. 

Taking an hour break off from the reality may seem selfish. Selfish for wanting to forget for a little and act normal but its really more about a way of taking a deep breath. A deep breath to prepare for tomorrow and the days after.

How good being a kid is, is something we only truly appreciate once that time has past but seeing your kids experiencing it, is a prize that comes with memories of old. Our girls happiness today has brought to us a gift of smiles to our faces and for that I thank them. 

Poppa bears broken heart

Tonight I sit reflecting on the weekend. A weekend Marty and I had been so looking forward to as we have not had a good break since Easter. All things started so well, we finally after 5 trips got set up on the block for our block break. 

The day was warm and the girls were off playing when I had to duck back into town for, you know what I can't even remember. As I got back I picked up martins phone that contained a message of urgent recall. For some reason I took Marty the phone, thinking he needed to ring his family. He rang and then we spiralled down. Marty collapsed to the ground and tears flowed down his face. 

Our girls swamped him straight away crying. Not knowing why they were upset except for the sight of their daddy crying. I fell to my knees beside him, begging for him to tell me what was wrong and tears fell from my eyes as like the girls the sight of him crying has that effect on me, as he is the strong one. 

He hung up and told me " my Dad is dead". I curl myself into him and we all cry. Cry for the loss of a parent at such a young age, cry for the pain I see my strong, gorgeous man in, cry for the time you can never take back and do over. All I say is sorry, over and over again. 

Seeing a man cry is one of those things that effect me hard. Hard for the fact that, in this house Marty is the strength and back bone. He picks up the pieces and puts them back together. 

I can only recall seeing him cry 5 times. 3 were happy tears of the births of our girls. Once when his grandad died and once when Emerson was first born and she was struggling to live. This time will make it 6. Compared to my floods that happen often, he is a drought. 

Seeing him cry makes my heart break into a million pieces. I find it hard to see and be strong for him, as all I want to do is ball along with him. Crying is a good thing to do. It lets it out and almost washes us clean. Clean to heal a little, to let go of anger and guilt. 

Our poppa bears heart is broken and all the porridge, chairs and beds in the world is not going to help. Time and love is the answer to this riddle. Mummy bear and all his baby bears will be right beside you to give you the love and time you need. 

R.I.P Granddad bear

Welcoming a new comer to the house

This week we have been challenged, scared, worried and overwhelmed by the newest member in our house. Introducing miss M, she is a beautiful healthy, bouncing tween! 

She has hormones that come and go! Is toilet trained but is messy when it comes to her room. She is kind and loving but has terrible mood swings! She sleeps through the night and would sleep into the day If you let her. She is helpful most of the time. Wants independence but does not always make the smartest choices. Makes a new born baby look like a swing in the park. 

Our eldest is too old for dolls (in front of friends) and too young for everything else. The best way to describe what's happening in our home is that we have a new baby and are first time parents. We have no idea what we are doing most of the time and we won't admit to anyone that we don't!! We are making mistakes but are learning from them. 

I'm scared of the years ahead. Scared that I will stuff up some thing huge when it comes to the transition from child to woman. All I know is I want to keep my girls talking to us, no matter how hard the conversation may be for us or them.