Miss E and G are eight!

Today my littlest humans turned eight. As I struggle with my eldest going to high school, these little people are reminding me time is traveling along with no way of stopping it. Them being born is still so vivid and seems like only yesterday but they are eight and there is no mistaking their growth. This year has been a huge growth period for them. They have seriously blossomed. 

Dear George,

Boy oh boy you are just the sweetest kid I think I have ever had the pleasure of meeting and I help create you. You are smart. Very very smart, you make me feel dumb a  lot of the time. You love art, which makes me know that your daddy and myself firmly left an imprint. You care about everyone. You worry about Emerson always and you make sure everyone is doing the right thing. You are our policewomen, always on the job. I love you more and more each day. 

Dear Emerson,

You are one of a kind. You are the true blue individual. You make me laugh something silly. You also make me very mad sometimes. We clash a lot but I think that is because we are very alike. You are a clown like me. You love attention and almost crave it. This year you have thrived. The change in schools last year I think was the best thing that has happened to you. You proved how smart you are. This last year has seen you mature and to see you proud of your sister at presentation day instead of jealous made me cry. I love you truly, madly, deeply. 

....

Both of these little humans are as I always say two halves of one whole. They fight like normal siblings but when it comes down it, they protect each other fiercely and love each other deeply. They were a surprise eight years ago and they continue to surprise us everyday.

Happy birthday my beautiful girls. It's a pleasure to be your mummy.  

Month number twelve, already...

LMy need to blog lately has been low. It's funny, it's something that calls to you to be done and if there is no call, I feel I shouldn't write. Blogging for me comes from a place that needs to speak. Maybe for reasons of growth, wants of closure and a need to document the wonderful. I'm no writer but I do enjoy this medium more than most. I share, albeit too much sometimes which some find strange but I share. I'm real which is a nice place to live. 

Can you believe it's December. I can't, this year had been so strange and so much like living on a roller coaster. The highs have been wonderful and the drop to the lows bumpy but we made it to the end of the ride that was 2014. This month is one of my favourites. I love Christmas. Christmas morning I find myself just sitting watching my little humans unwrap there treasures with untapped excitement. Waiting to see if they love the gifts we have chosen. 

It is also the month my twins were born. In a rush but determine to be here for Christmas. In a blink eight years have flown by but they will always be my little girls. 

So of late life is busy. Which is no real change from any other moment for us humans. It's just the only difference at the moment is no matter how busy our lives are we are finally mastering the work and home  life balance. It's super cool to feel good about both halves of your life. 

My need to document moments and feelings has its ups and downs. It is honest and brutal at times but you know what, it feels good to write it down. To acknowledge those feelings. To share my moments. To feel I can be honest with myself to share the way I do. To share private moments and times in my family that makes us real. Perfection comes from within, not on the outside. My life with all its craziness and bumps is perfect. My family make it that way. My girls are just my reminder of how lucky I got in life. My husband is my rock and my most perfect other half. They all make me whole. 

So December has arrived and the man in the big red suit will be on his way very soon. Still so many moments left to share until 2015 arrives with force. I'm going to enjoy the rest of the ride and continue to share my heart. 

One of those days

Having one of those days where I just feel like crap. My mood is low, my body is playing up on me and making me feel sick and I just can't seem to pick myself up and carry on with it. You know what I'm saying right? Just a shit day that will pass but not before you hit the floor!

Life of late has been on the whole, pretty freaking good. Albeit something's have been a struggle, I have felt pretty good. I'm exercising and watching what I eat. I have lost weight. I may have put it back on while on the annual school camp but I'm back on track and have lost the weeks weight gain. I am finding this work/home balance is really good. We are enjoying both sides equally which is nice. 

But today I'm just low and really can't articulate why. It's not the woman's  condition in case you had wondered.  I'm just, well, flat! My head has all these questions, which I wish it would stop asking as I will never know the answers too. My really smart husband gave me my options on my problem. Simple really but my head still struggles to work it out!

I hope that when sleep finds me tonight, the new day of tomorrow will bring light and an awakening of what I need to do to finish this struggle of mine. So until this happens I will sit with my adult drink and ponder the what ifs, the how comes and I should do's in my world. 

Chin up princess

I have found myself as I let go of anger and resentment comes feelings I have tried so very hard to suppress. Feelings of confusion. Confusion for trying to resolve my inner most thoughts. Thoughts that are simple to be honest but yet I can't seem to wrap my head around the outcome. 

These thoughts sadden me a lot as I always try to do unto to others as I would want them to do to me. This has been to my detriment once we moved to the country. I gave myself wholly to people. Sometimes giving way to much of myself all in the thought process that one day if I needed someone they would be there for me. 

This as it turns out was one big epic fail but still

I ponder

Am I that terrible

Am I that hate-able?

Am I what seems like dirt under their shoes?

The hardest thing I find is I don't talk about the negative stuff with people. I just can't. Even when someone talks fondly about one of them and I want to scream my ever loving freaking brains out! I stay silent. 

I'd love for my minds sanity to say I hated them. To act like their dead and be as hard as nails about the situation but I can't. I feel everything, albeit to much sometimes. 

I had just hoped some form of humanity would seep into their systems and for some resolution to have occurred. Just something, a conversation, a letter, a phone call. I mean for fuck sake I cut myself up and they didn't give two shits about me. Not one ounce, no matter what had happen between us, there was nothing. Maybe it's silly but I thought our friendship may have meant the same to them as it did me. 

Obviously I was wrong and I say it's ok but it still just plain sucks. Don't get me wrong, I take my share of the blame here too. Although  many times I picked up the phone or opened an email to make contact to resolve it, but have failed. I just couldn't do it, as I felt it would put me back into that same role of being the peace maker and the weak one. Being that person has messed with my head for many years and I don't want to be her anymore. 

So I ponder how do you let go completely?  How do you move forward when the past slaps you in the face at ever corner? How do you hold your head high when others look at you with disgust? How do you just be ok with what has happened and love yourself no matter what? Everyone finds it easy to say but deep down no one knows how to do it right. 

Please don't think I'm unhappy with my life or the people who choose to be in it with me. I love all of them, they are what brought me joy and make any of my darkest days feel worth it. I mean, out of all the above shit I gained far more than I could have ever imagined. I think I just need closure which I will never get but some how I need to learn to be ok with it.

This will mark the last post about this period in my life. I will not post about it again and have made the choice to close the chapter. This chapter although painful brought clarity to me and also open doors I never knew existed. I'm finally happy and part of something amazing outside of my beautiful little family. I am a firm believer that things happen to us for reasons bigger than we are and we are meant to stop and listen. Lessons can only be learnt if we listen to what we are being told. 

The view from the inside

Looking in the mirror just sucks lately. I see every detail in full vision and just about hate everything i see. Any imperfections are blindingly obvious and i want to scream! I just don't feel good about my image and i just can't seem change it. I am avoiding looking at myself which is sad, when did this happen?When did i start to hate the reflection staring back at me?

It just plan sucks!

Marty watches me while I'm dressing and doesn't see what i see, which I'm so glad for. The description he gives of my body and looks is at the polar opposites of what i describe.  How can our visions be so very different and yet we are both the same people. Its frustrating that as women we let our minds play games with our vision. Why do we see all the bad and never any of the good. It just plan sucks big hairy nuts.

I know the only person who can fix this problem comes from within me. I know this and yet I struggle like many to listen to the voice inside.  She just never pushes me hard enough to change the way it is so I can look in the mirror without cringing. 

I'm trying. Eating better, exercising and trying to be happy with what I see even when I want to close my eyes and pretend it looks a different way. Fingers crossed by new year I will be happier with the person staring back at me. 

Body image, lets be honest with each other, its the one thing everyone worries about a lot. No matter what size or sex, we just have so much pressure to be a certain way that makes all us normal people feel inadequate. Being happy in the skin you were given is easier said than done. 

Right place right time

Our weekend has been great. Working around the house after work on Saturday, ticking off jobs on the very big 'to do' list. Then a night out with friends, karaoke may or may not have been involved! Then today a lazy sleep in,  more jobs around the house with it capped off with a roast shared with some friends. You know it's not news worthy events but it opened my eyes to some news that I hadn't quite caught up to. 

 

We have friends in our lives that aren't just mine, that aren't just Marty's and they aren't there because we have kids in common.  They are people we both connect with. In only my dreams I thought these people existed. Because that is all I have ever known. I would have friends and Marty would tag along hating every minute or Marty would associate with people and I would stay at home. 

This land we live in now is like a dream. I love all these people so much. They are truely a gift we somehow got lucky to be in their lives. I mean I get to be also neighbours to some of them, how lucky can you get! I know I here you say, she is so lame, but I felt I needed to document my moment of clarity. 

This clarity really I have had a few thoughts of already but it pretty much slapped me in the face tonight. Finding your people is such a hard journey but when it happens it's pretty freaking cool. 

Moving, working and forgetting

Well life as we know it has finally changed. We are shouse living people and life couldn't on the whole, be better. You know things still aren't perfect and I tell you if things stopped going wrong, how would we really cope... But life is good. My girls are happy, Marty is still mine forever and I'm just a girl who somehow got lucky and gets to be with them all everyday! 

Each day to come home to the block brings a big exhaled breath and a huge goofy smile on your face that just doesn't seem to go anywhere. Things aren't completely finished and lots of work happens each afternoon with the list seeming to never be getting shorter, but it's great. The shouse is just plain perfect! The storms I must say are a whole lot wilder up on the hill, the sunsets are down right to die for and to watch the weather roll in over the mountains is almost movie like. It's our piece of forever. 

So the big move happened along with the return to work. I love what we do now. I love that what we make each Day is made with love and it is produced from known ingredients. It's real food where numbers do not exist. It makes me smile to see my Marty in his moment while cooking. I'm also enjoying being the number one taste tester! Even as he is complimented daily he never seems to let it go to his head, except for maybe the title of 'best coffee ever' from a regular that he likes to remind me of, but y'know he is just a very humble man whom I love more than my life!

Both of these things have created a balance that our family has lacked for months. My girls although have coped, in the last few weeks I can see they are settling again from the rocky road our lives have been on. I don't want to jinks it but life is good at the moment no matter how many hits we keep getting that costs more money! 

With life seeming good and my mind clear from fog I'm forgetting the pain of the past. The hopeless feelings of yesterday and the hurt of a few and forgiving everyone including myself. Life is for the living and I'm going to live and be the me who is always there in the moment, Good or bad! 

The wants of many....

As I sit in the passenger seat of the car on the way home from a wedding. I'm pondering all that I need to do. All this week will hold and how all our plans and changes will come together. As most will know I can keep secrets well and not tell a soul something if it is shared in confidence but when it's something I so want to share about stuff I'm doing and can't.... it is freak'n killing me! I mean really killing me.

People keep asking what we are doing in the shop it's hard not to spill every bean to them. I say things like it will be different. Big changes! More like us! But when it boils down to it it tells people nothing. Not what they really want to know and not what I really want to tell them. 

The fire changed everything. It changed us to the point we had to re evaluate every part of our business. What we were doing and what we really wanted to do. It gave us time to think and gave us time to put into motion our real want for our business. It took time. Time I know people didn't want it to take but finally we will be back in a weeks time. 

Our beautiful regulars will have great coffee once more and fresh whole food. With a lot of extras they have no idea about. One thing I can share is 'no' fryer will be in store. It may confuse a few but to be honest the thought of a fryer scares the living crap out of me after the fire. 

So as my mind goes 100 miles an hour with listing things to do, I am excited to see peoples faces and to know we have been missed greatly. So let the count down begin. The dog is on it's way back.

 

WOW

I am so freak'n excited at the moment. I am filled with nervous excitement. I just can't contain it.  I am likely to jump up and down with squealing added for no real reason. Im just that excited. Ya want to know why? Everything is getting there. The shouse. The shop. It's all coming together, although I'm so flippn stressed that I'm not going to get everything done!

Okay first up the shop. Finally the clean up in readiness for the painters to start and floor coverings to happen. I have got heaps unpacked and next week I will have the front of house complete set up! It's looking great. I find myself smiling at it. New products are being ordered and organised. It's killing me not to share what we are doing with everyone. 

Next up the shouse. We have a kitchen, 80% of the walls, plumbing, power and the list could keep going on. It's looking amazing and finally I feel like the finish line is in sight. Finally we are getting up to jobs I an help out more with. I'm so proud of Marty for all his hard work and thankful to my Dad and Mum for helping.  

What more could a girl want. I'm not after diamonds or gold, I just am happy to have a simple home with the ones I love. I'm happy and I can't seem to hide it.

Spring has sprung

Wow its September! Already i hear you say, but its spring YAY! This is the time of year where new growth happens so quietly. Trees blossom and flowers bud. Babies seem to appear in paddocks and lovers are tying themselves to each other for life in marriage. Spring is a beautiful time where life wakes up again from its winter sleep. I love it unless you haven't already guessed. Things for us seem to have woken up and are going full steam ahead with growth. I won't lie its very stressful with both the house and the shop moving toward the finish line at the exact same time but I'm determined. Which Marty fines really annoying because I'm riding him constantly about getting everything done which is hard!

Everything is just so time consuming that it feels like things are not moving faster enough and yet they are but we as humans don't seem to think its enough. Marty is doing a great job, i just wish i could do more to help him more. When we list whats left to do its not that much but the days just keep getting away from us and life sometimes gets in the way.

I have to keep telling myself that things are happening and we are moving forward. It will all get finished and we will then have:

1. A house to live in
2. A business that will provide us with a income to live on

In saying that we are in Sydney this weekend, not working on anything, which is hard as its lost time but we have done lots for the shop fit out, so its not like we haven't done what we need to do. And you know what its balance. We are spending time with people that matter and that's important to. Even in our rush to get everything done you have to stop and remember to not let life get in the way with spending time taking a time out. So for the rest of this weekend we will spend time with family and friends. Relaxing and laughing and eating. Eating always seems to happen to the point i feel like a bloated mule, which was my feeling of lasts nights outing to the best Italian i know. It was so good and i was so full i couldn't do dessert. Which for my close friend know that doesn't happen, there is always room for dessert.

So as i finally finish this, sitting in my quiet mother in laws house, where at 8am no one is awake bar me and the animals. I'm just going to spend the rest of this month trying to go with the flow and also work as hard as i humanly can. Which i totally know is a contradiction but that's me. try for mellow but always end up crazy!

A parents tale in a frozen setting

The feel of my kids hands is the softess thing I have every felt. I find myself while holding their hands rubbing their palms. It's something that they must notice cause occasionally they do it back to me if I haven't done it. As a mum it's one thing I do and have never really thought of why!

Today we got to experience something completely new for the girls and I, SNOW! It was truly beautiful. The sight is one that is not easily relayed. It's hard to do the scene  of how it looks even in a picture. It's white, fluffy, cold but not at the same time. It seems to just be! 

The girls faces the first moment they seen it from the car were priceless and hard not to get caught up in the awe if it. The girls once we parked ran to the first bit they could see and rolled! Had snow fights and giggled non stop. 

They went on tub rides, taboggans and skied! I watch in awe how fearless they were and how they picked it up so easily. I'm not going to say the day was without whinging, cause it wasn't. My family all ended up with colds and coughs. So when the Panadol ran out y'know the girls would just deflat and whinge. 

The whinging was really minimal compared to the rest of the day. My girls had a day they will remember. An experience that I kind of got the same view of, considering I'm 34 and this was my first experience with snow! 

A snowman was made with many renditions of "do you want to build a snowman?"  It's not as easy as you would think. Snow is a lot harder to moluld than it looks. Olaf was pretty cute though and the kids all helped to make it which was uber cute. 

Seeing Marty. I'm sure seeing his girls experience something he grew up with everyday made me smile. Watching him take them down the taboggans. Smiling at them while they learnt to ski and having the proudest grin in his face as they succeeded was gorgeous. He made my heart expand today by the pride I seen in him.  

I'm sure my girls day was up there for them. It was up there for me. So as we travelled home. My but is sore and the girls are tired, today rocked for more than one reason. Colds, coughs and all. The snow was freaking awesome. 

A rabbit hole has taken another

This week has been sad. Sad of the loss of Robin Williams. He was a funny man. A smiling man and a famous man. His demons were obviously bigger than his humour and his fame. His rabbit hole was deep and he fell! Fell all the way to the bottom and decided to stay there as his choice to exist the rabbit hole. His strength had all left him and his fight for freedom had been lost. His choice was hard. Harder than most realise. 

Suicide is a hard choice. It to an outsider seems like a way out. An easy choice and very selfish. Once upon a time I would have thought the same. Would have judged them harshly for doing such a thing. 

Not now!

Not ever again!

Now my heart breaks to know how hard that choice would have been and how helpless they would have felt to get to that moment. How strong one must be to resound your self to following through with it. How when your in that head space, you just want the pain to be taken away.

I almost followed through with Robins same decision. I just wanted to never hurt again. To never feel the pain of this monster. For the monster to win and take me away. Away from the negative and be free from hurting anyone else. When your in that moment, you blame yourself, you blame only yourself!

I remember every cut! Every cut made the pain inside ease. It's weird to say that out load but it did. 

My luck was that my love found me and made me realise my pain can be his pain. That my heart he could heal through his strength. He would help me climb out of the rabbit hole. I was lucky to have him! Not everyone is this lucky or feels they can share the load of the pain of depression. 

One lesson I learnt probably the same day I tried to end my life. That some people in your life are not good for you. Some don't belong there and some are just nasty souls that are not able to care about another's pain. From that day I shared my inner workings of my head.  Yes it was hard and yes I honestly worried that many others would be like this nasty soul. Yet I shared and it helped. 

Saying that your messed up and not perfect is healthy. Healthy to make people know I'm not perfect. That my mind needed work. It needed a helping hand. I want people to talk. Tell each other how you are. Be honest. We all are better if we work as one and stop hiding in the bushes as such. 

I wish Robin could have had someone help take part of his pain away. Had helped him make his way out and be well. I wish he could have talked freely about his demons to his people. Sharing his mess without judgement. Seriously it's not that much to expect these days. May his death make way for others to share their pain. 

RIP funny man!

What to write when you just can't

The last few weeks have flown. The shouse is moving along at such a pace Marty is saying 4 weeks and we will be in. The business stuff isn't as quick but we have a plan, the council have given us the green light but we have to wait on the building owners to get back to us. That part is frustrating cause I want to share it all with everyone, even down to the name change!

My blogging has taken a seat at the back of the bus in all of this and even though lots is happening the mojo to write has been evading me. I'm exhausted I think. I have been going to the gym everyday and then we head straight to the block after that. By the time i sit down at night my brain has already checked out and I'm left on auto pilot until I recharge over night. 

So my thought was to get in before it left to just share my life as it stands at the moment. So much is happening but it's not flying by unnoticed. A major thing that has happened is the happy pills are no more. I am totally off my antidepressants! 

This to most is not story worthy but I think it is something of worth  as it has been my journey for the last 18 months. I'm pleased to say I have made it out of the rabbit hole and am extremely happy with myself and I can only attribute this to my beautiful family and amazing friends. 

Emerson has finally learnt how to do her hair up in an elastic! This is huge, Em hates learning anything that will mean she will have to do it herself! So proud of her small changes. The girls are catching the bus after school to the block which makes me smile to see them comfortable enough to so it, since Maya was adamant that she wasn't catching it. Amelia is maturing and allow her mouth gets the better of her, she is finally taking responsibility for her things. Praise The Lord! George is our quiet achiever, always happy and always works hard at school. The girls are doing great. 

So this was me just checking in and saying I'm doing great. Things are all working out and life is making me smile. Once my exhaustation settles down and with this the mojo comes back I'm sure my blogging will be a little more regular. Until then it's just a bit at a time :)

A turning page

This week saw the end of one moment in our lives with the finishing up of moving all that was left at the shop and the beginning of another with the re-start of the shouse. The shouse has been on hold since April. Time was the major barrier stopping us. 

It has been frustrating to not be moving forward with our future. Then there was fire..... Everything changed in one moment. Time now is all we have until out plans come to fruition with our business. This time is like a gift. A gift of change. A gift of reevaluation of just about everything in our lives!

With this we have movement at the block. My amazing husband. He has amazed me with his skill and ease at building the internal frame work of our house. I just have found myself staring at him in ore of what he is doing to make our family a home. 

The girls have spent a lot of time at the block and you know what they have needed it. They have played and helped each other. I have watched them from the kitchen window digging in the dirt. Creating adventure tracks, planting veggies and flower seeds. It has made me smile even when Amelia covers herself in mud!

So the page that has turned in our lives although rough and sudden has a light. I'm excited about the future, even though unknown. One happy lady here on this Sunday night!

:)

Thank you

This fundraiser I have been struggling with from the beginning. Not uncomfortable with anyone involved or everyone that is here or given something. Struggled being in the lime light. Struggled with people knowing our situation. It's funny if the shoes were on another's I would have no problem putting my hand to help do the same thing for them. Eating humble pie as I was told to do Is not easy and very hard to swallow.

I am truly humbled by just the thought let alone the outcome. It's a struggle to find the right words to thank everyone in the right way. I know I will repay this gesture with interest for all who are involved. 

These last four weeks have been tough and yet I still found myself thinking there were worse off people in the world than us. People who have lost more, people who have lost loved ones to soon or people like my brother and his wife who may never conseve. Even with the mounting bills, an unfinished house and living cozily in mum and dad's two bedroom cottage I found time to smile.

This time has made way for growth of thought. Growth of promises made and growth of parenting. Growth of ideas for the future and finding that all hard to achieve balance. A promise of being a being parent and better person.

Our plan for the business has changed albeit forced but it is looking good but very changed. Official announcement will be made in time but the loaded dog cafe as we know it is no more. 

From the bottoms of our hearts we thank you. I wish there were better words, bigger words, stronger words, but thank you is all there is. So again thank you!

Rebecca :)

School holidays

I have to say that these last two weeks have been completely different from every school holidays we have had in the last 3 years. We have been home! Sleep ins have reigned supreme with lots of cuddles on the lounge. 

We have spent time with the girls. We have played, laughed and listened to them. They have been content and happy, although they have bickered with each other over nothing really. Such girls sometimes, with the way they fight with each other. 

The days have gone fast though. Time seems to be flying with no aparant reason for it. It's like because there is no routine that you don't pay any attention to the time. This holidays they have had adventures. They have created make believe worlds where trash was turned into a house! 

There is a reason our parents sent us outside to play, other than to get some sanity. Being outside does something to your brain. It makes you think. Makes you make your own fun. It let's go of any tension and refreshes the soul. It creates happy kids and I have to say happy adults. I feel so good after being outside. 

Our days even though spent worrying about everything that is happening have been nice. Nice to connect with the girls. Realising we have missed so much with them and let them down big time with the pressures of work. Realising that things will change to be better for them. Knowing work is not meant to rule ones life. 

A blog unlike the one I just wrote

I have sat and wrote a blog about all our issues. All our problems. All our crap really. I re read it and thought why would you want to share that? Why would people want to hear you moan and whinge about your life? So I saved, didn't delete it as it's good for me to re read later, but I decided to start again. 

Life is hard at the moment but I need to take a deep breathe and push forward. It's a time to reevaluate my life, my purpose and my journey. To make sure our lives are what we want and if they aren't to use this forced stop to change things for the better. 

I'm not going to kid you. Today has been one of the worst since the fire. I was wallowing and just felt everytime I tried to get up someone knocked me back into that hole. I was in tears in the post office, I blanked people in the super market and hated the sound of my phone.  So of all the stuff we had to do today, nothing got done but spending time with the girls. 

Wishing on days like today. I could close my eyes and when I opened them back up things would be different. So we all know that's not going to happen. Today was shit, just hoping tomorrow holds a little more light to let my soul feel a little brighter no matter what crap is going on. 

A moment in time to cry

We had a weekend away last weekend. It was cold and wet and yet it was great. Camping with my family and I forgot for a Moment what was really happening in our lives. Forgot that things aren't fantastic. Just plain forgot or I just froze to the core of not being able to think. 

Yet here it is. 

No business, no home, no income. 

Reality. It's amazing how quickly it sets back In without the distraction. It sucks to have to remember it. To have the stress just go from zero to 100 from nothing. Your head just can't handle it. It struggles with the change. Well my head does anyway. It struggles with any form of stress nowadays. 

Things are stressful as the funds get down to nothing and no sign of when any relief is in sight. The hardest part is looking at the girls and knowing they understand things are bad but they are still that. Kids. Kids who don't need to know how bad things are. Why we can't go out to dinner. Why they can't get that box of cereal because it's just not fitting in the budget. 

I hate this. I hate it more that it's happening in a public arena where people have there own story of what's going on in our lives. I hate going up to the shops because the first question you get it how long til your shop opens back up. I can't answer it anymore. I just can't. It's not just a matter of cleaning up and opening up. Everything is ruined and the way the hits keep coming. There won't be anywhere near enough money to reopen. 

I want to scream at people. I want to tell them where to go. Times are tough, even though my chin is up, which it always is as being down causes a double chin! I'm just sad and I think today I needed to wallow. 

Tomorrow I hope is better. 

Dust, smoke and rotten food

The packing and clean up has started in the shop and the flat upstairs. The council has deemed the building unsafe so this means no business and no home. It has been a hard week, where time has almost drifted by without our noticing. Each day has been taken as it comes. Lists were made so we could get to the next goal. 

The next step. 

The next slap in the face. 

The next big hit. 

So we have continued on with many people asking us how we are. It's so hard to answer that question, because my customer service skills kick in and tell me to say 'great'. No one wants to know how bad you are, is all I hear in my head. The thing is people do want to know, I just find it hard to say 'life is down right shit'. 

I can't bring myself to say I'm bad, it's just not in my nature. I would much prefer not to burden someone else with my crap. 

So today is one week on. Insurance claim conversation has been the main conversation that is happening with Marty and I. Thoughts of what we will do is so far from rational thought. As it stands we are only worrying about getting paid for our contents to pay our bills, put a roof over our families head and getting through everyday as it comes. 

Our family is strong and will make it to the end of this blackness. Even with all this blackness, my girls are still giggling, I'm still singing and Marty is still laughing at all of us. 

The road to recovery is rough, bumpy and has no toilet breaks in sight. 

Life is awesome

This week has been peachy. All I could ever want for my life to happen....NOT! Tuesday we had a fire in our shops kitchen. Within 10 minutes the whole kitchen was on fire. My brain could only process our lives going up in smoke. 

How will we pay for food?

How will we pay for clothes? 

How will we pay our mortgage?

How will we give our girls all that we can when we have nothing now?

Then I went numb. 

Cold. 

Shaking. 

When I dreamt of how my life would be at 34, it wasn't homeless, broke and jobless. I have to say it still doesn't seem real. I have not slept more than a two hour stint. I can't focus when people are talking to me. My stomach is in knots. I can't think straight. 

Everyone is like five steps ahead of us. The thought of rebuilding and reopening somewhere else is so far removed from where we are at. At the moment it's just insurance claims, money to live and a roof over our heads. 

The majority of strangers that have come to the shop door and tried to peer in the windows is disturbing. Even more so the ones that seem to think that because the front restaurant area isn't burnt that it's not that bad. It is very bad. 

Our insurance  will be lucky to cover all that was damaged. With no money coming in, how do we pay shop bills along with our personal. It's bad and we are wollowing but the road ahead is just not easy. 

The shop reopening may not happen, depending on many factors. I'm trying to be glass is half full but the week has been shit! Down right shit. Life will get better and we will rise back up. I'm just so thankful I have the amazing family and friends that I do. They are truly a blessing I can't thank the gods enough for. I will pay back what everyone has done for us ten fold. 

Bx

Sunday Promise...

Today felt good. As the hours past at working heading towards 2pm when the doors would close in the shop and the working week would end. I found myself looking up at the clock and smiling.

Marty leant into me while i was at the coffee machine and whispered in my ear 'Can we go for breakfast tomorrow, where someone else cooks it'. Smiling i nodded and found myself thinking of how we are heading back to normal. Work has settled back to normal busy. The kids are headed for school holidays. Life is making me smile and stress is not ruling my head.

Stress got the better of me over the last few weeks and Marty has coped the eye of the Bx storm. Not a pretty sight and one i would even run from. Stress is a nasty beast and i do so hate what it does to me. If only there was a special tablet we could take to take the stress away!

So things are headed back on track with the shouse building. Our Power is being put on and the tank will finally be installed next week. Marty has said it will only be a few months after this to be finished, which makes my heart sing. At present we are in transition with living and working in the same building. The kids have no space to run and i have no place to sit outside and enjoy the fresh air. We have lots of stairs, always thought i would love a two storey house now i don't think i would ever want one.

So tomorrow has a promise of being just plan yummy. Totally relaxed and totally easy. My eyes are already getting sleepy, so tomorrow is really not far away. Enjoy Sunday my lovelies :)

Of late

Life had equalled work and work has been my life of late. Work, work and lots more work. This sounds like I'm whinging but infact I'm not. It has just been a priority of late with renovations and our biggest week of the year. This has meant lots of things have been left on hold, even down to parenting. The poor girls have been almost raising themselves these last few weeks. We have been late to school lots and very very tired. I truly feel guilty.

So today Marty gave me my first day off just to relax since the 17th of May. He has looked at me and knows I have face planted the wall so to speak and need a time out. I can't tell you how happy I am that he noticed. 

I have been struggling with the stress of work of late. It has been spilling over and making me take it out on Marty, which is not fair on him at all. I just thank god he loves me so much more than he should to put up with me. I love him so much for this. I love him for putting up with my grumpy moods and snappy voice. He is truly the best person I have ever known. 

Today was nice. I read a book with a Nanna blanket, cup of tea and my little kitten Jax always on my lap. I relaxed, I felt like I should get up and do housework or book work but that urge just never seem to be a dominating force. My smutty book was only interrupted by my little girls coming home. 

I'm still tired and the thought of going to work tomorrow is hard. I am so thankful for some time out to recharge and to re assess where im heading with my family and how life will soon be very different. 

My mini me turns 9!

Amelia or better known as 'Mills' is our second child and also by proxy our middle child. She is super quirky, loud, sensitive and above all else is loved more than life itself. Tomorrow is her birthday. She is only one year off double digits and still she is so very innocent. Except maybe for when she is checking out good looking boys. 

Mills is always the last ready anytime of the day. She is the child that will be dancing while everyone else sits quietly. She sings a lot and actually has a good voice. She collects every little tricket she finds no matter if it really is rubbish. Mills is unique. 

Mills seems to grow almost unnoticed and yet she is never forgotten. 

When asked what she wanted to do for her birthday she replied with "I want you, dad and my sisters to go to the rifle range". She is the son Marty never got and the boy I always wanted. She is super girly and yet happy to shoot rabbits with Marty. 

When I look at mills I still see the beautiful dark haired baby with the most amazing coloured eyes I have every seen. They change from green to hazel and have the deepest dusty blue ring around them. 

I know as mills grows and changes she will become a stunning lady, who i have no doubts will own a gun and a ute and drive it in heals!

 Happy birthday moocher!

Step away from that phone....

Of late our family dynamic is slipping. Conversation is minimal, iPads, iPods, iPhones and big TV is raining supreme! We sit all in the one room not talking, not interacting. ITS SAD! Today was a scream fest to beat down all the others. The morning consisted of kids not focusing, not listening and generally just being lazy kids. I'm sure as they walked into school well after the morning bell that they hated me just a little. 

I felt gutted. I arrived back at work and walked straight to the toilet and burst into  tears. I hate yelling all the time. I hate having to be the bad guy all the time! I down right hate it. I almost made a silent promise of change there and then. Once Marty and I had spoken for almost 40 minutes about the problems we were having as a unit. 

A decision was made to switch off Facebook. I am choosing them over a screen. I'm listening to there stories and not reading others. I am choosing to be a better parent at the sacrifice of the outside world. The TV does not go on until 7pm. Electronics are limited to only a half an hour of the day and we will know what the kids are up to everyday. Although I will miss reading everyone's stories and getting giggles knowing how others feel when out parenting fails us. I know it is the best for us right know. 

We also made a promise to finish the shouse as quickly as we can once the June long weekend is out of the way. The kids need space to run, we also need space to from work and space to breath again. I miss my garden. I miss seeing my girls play while Marty cooks dinner and I hang washing out.  I just miss normality. 

Bx

A whole year has gone

Yesterday was Mother's Day. A day I love, a day that I think I like more than my birthday, for one fact you don't age on Mother's Day. This special day was always my favourite until last year it became the worst day of my life to date. I had fallen off a cliff and there was no way I was climbing back up until I hit the bottom. My mental health was in the toilet and all that was left of me was an empty shell. It was terrible. 

The year has been a roller coaster, with plenty of ups and downs. I have learnt huge lessons and lost many so called friends. I have grown and changed and for lack of better wording I have found the true me. The me that doesn't take crap. The me that stands up for my self and the ones I love. The me that will never play games to stay friends with anyone. 

That petty talking behind peoples back is something I just will not be involved in. People are all different and unless I was perfect, who am I to judge. I have enjoyed over the last twelve months of not having to juggle friends. I don't have a friend I call every other day. I just don't want to be that needy with anyone ever! 

The people that have touch my soul over the last twelve months will remain there forever. I don't believe I need to list them as I know they will know. I am truly thankful to all of them, as this Mother's Day I was a completely different Bx than last year. I was happy, healthy, strong and   True. 

So with that said it brings me back to yesterday. I was treated to special poems and specially picked gifts by the girls. We cuddled in our bed with the girls until the time to get up and go to work invaded this lovely moment. Once work finished Marty had organised a feast at the block, which was just plan beautiful. I had no idea who was coming and was so blown away with the effort Marty had gone to to make the day so very different from the last. 

Twelve months can make a world of difference sometimes. 

A letter to Miss Maya

Dear Maya,

11 years ago tomorrow you made your entrance into the world. It was one of the best days of my life. A day where I became a mother to a beautiful little girl.  You were perfect, with deep blue eyes, dark head of crazy hair, ten fingers and ten toes to complete the package. Your dad cried the first time he held you. Tears streamed down his face at the realisation you were a little lady and not a little boy as we had thought you were going to be. 

Our life from that day has never been the same and has been so much fuller for the fact your in it. When we brought you home, we had no idea what we were doing. We learnt as we went along. Always stumbling at the obsticales you would present, but we got through them. I think all three of us were learning from each other. You were a happy baby but would not like to sleep much through the day, which to be honest was our lack of knowledge in baby raising department. The first year sailed by with so many milestones. 

When you were two we brought home a little sister for you. You would kiss Amelia all day long if we let you. I think you loved her as much as we did. She was your shadow and to this day still looks up to you for everything. Not to far after Amelia, we brought home two more baby sisters, which made life very crazy for a few years. You were only three and a half but I remember looking at you thinking how grown up you were for your age. How you always helped mummy. 

Today as I looked at you in your last day of being ten, I am reminded that everyday with you is still us learning. You will always be the one we make mistakes with and try to do what's best, we think anyway. Your so close to being a young lady, that it does quite frankly scare us to bits. We just don't want to stuff up!

I know as you head into lady land, you will become all that is possible and be the person we will always be proud of and love unconditionally. 

I love you more than is humanly possible and more than the stars in the sky. 

Love always

Mum xxx

A bone i have found,

Yesterday i took the girls to the movies, this is a big day. 300km round trip to sit and watch a movie. This was the least we could give the girls after such a crappy holidays. With moving, Dad's operation and a very busy shop with no chance to take a day off, we felt we owed them. So we set off early in the morning, the girls were singing and dancing the whole way over. Even the car got a little bit of love as we detoured through the car wash.

We arrive at the cinemas to see 'The Lego Movie'. Can't say I was jumping at joy to watch it but the girls were keen. The movie was as I thought, bad, and I like kids movies, but this was just plain bad! I however never told the kids I thought this as they all loved it and as it is similar to mine craft could find no fault in it. 

We then hit the shops, we went to Kmart, which I admit I have not been in one for over 8 years! It is actually really cheap, which meant we spent up a little. The girls were all chuffed with their stuff and I just had to pay for it hehe. 

With all that shopping done we needed a food stop, so we found a little cafe and headed for the booth seats. The girls were all a little over excited about what food to choose that the man sitting beside us went unnoticed until my wild mills climbed through the booth side and bumped his table by accident. I was mortified by what she had done but nothing prepared me for what this man did. 

He verbally abused her with no regard for me standing there. Then swore loud enough for us all to hear. That's when I seen red. I said to him, did you just swear at a child. He couldn't look at me. He had nothing. So I dropped to his level and told him where to go. It shocked me on a few levels that I did this. One i don't do confrontation and the other reason is that i had no Male with me for any sort of protection and yet i did it. I seriously had an outer body experience when it happened. I believe i had no idea who this person was?

I'm in no way condoning this behaviour. I'm not known for aggression and not in my nature to want to fight. All i can put all this new strength down to is finally learning my worth. Finally making it to the top of the rabbit hole and i will never let anyone ever make me or anyone that means the most to me feel anything but the best about them selves. I am finding i really like this new me. She is completely honest, she hates negative that breeds in gossip and she will not buy into two faced people and will never be someones batting ram for all the money in the world.

Growing this back bone, hurt, really really hurt.  The pain although it did break me several times, was worth it. I will never forget the pain, for it is the constant reminder that this new bone will remain for the rest of my days.

A heart holds a home

My blogging has been a bit of a not
happening of late. So much has been happening, yet I have not had time to document it. It has been so crazy that I really don't think I myself have caught up to what's happening. A deep breath I took and sleep was so needed that I never woke today until almost noon! So now let me elaborate on life as we now know it. 

A few weeks ago we agreed to rent our family home out to a family I can only describe as beautiful, strong and a kin spirit in so many ways. People that see beauty in love not wealth. Where I know my house will be made a home by them. Love will still live there and the four walls that will surround them will be the sanctuary through good times and the bad. 

Today saw us finish off the cleaning of moving and seen me say thank you to a place that brought us so much happiness  and good bye to that chapter of my heart. I'm truly a very centimental person, I remember moments so clearly that it's like living them over. My soul once attached can not let go as much as I try, but good bye I said. 

This week on top of moving, my loveable dad went to Sydney to have open heart surgery. It was such a time stood still moment that I don't think life started again until word was heard on Good Friday that the surgery went well. It was a hard thing to watch as I could feel the worry coming from Marty after only a short time ago losing his dad from the same disease. 

This weekend also held the picnic races. It was a day of strength and fun. A day where wining a race was second to wining the battle of my head. I faced demons and you know what. I wasn't scared. I couldn't have cared how many eyes I faced, they meant nothing to me anymore. I have finally found the strength that was hidden deep beneath the crap of sorrow. The races were awesome. 

Sleep was not a priority, nor a stable diet this last week. Stress rained supreme.  Marty and I hardly cuddled let alone a kiss. We had been so overwhelmed we just seemed to exist this week. This was the icing on the cake. Once the dust settled I spotted my everything and this lead me home. 

I feel like today a new chapter is starting. One where we look after ourselves and each other. The shouse will be complete and this Christmas will be a complete block one. Our hearts will have a new home and new memories will be made. The strength will be on top and sorrow will remain in the past. 

Rolls we play

Today I had a day for me. Me, glorious me. I laughed, laughed more and yes, laugh some more and more. I looked in shops, sometimes just browsing in my own happy place. It was Devine. It felt good and then my roll changed. I become the one of comfort and reassurance. I was the strong one. 

Doubt has spread it's wings and claimed another victim. I seriously hate this doubt business. I have lived with this special creature and knows how it spreads like a virus and no antibiotics will help. So the question is how do you reassure someone, when the seed is living in you too. 

It takes very little for me to doubt myself, my actions, the people around me, blah, blah, blah! So how do you know what doubt is valid. Whether doubt is true. Whether your prepared for an unwanted answer, I just don't know. 

All I know is when I see doubt spread I second guess my path, where I'm heading and what to do. All or nothing, as doubt lives in between. 

The treasures you find when your not looking

Over the last week we have been packing up our home of ten years. When we moved in all those years ago, there was three of us. Now lives six! We have not only doubled in numbers, we've doubled in beds, clothes, toys, linen and the list keeps going. When I first started packing boxes, I seriously had no idea where to start. We just have so much stuff. 

Once I started, it has been fairly easy. I found that taking the centimental things down and packing them away made the feelings of saddness leave me. I now have many empty cupboards and draws. My walls contain no photos and the boxes have started to be moved into storage. 

Today as I packed, I came across old letters, letters that Marty had written me almost 19 years ago, cards that spoke of feelings that have only grown deeper and forever love that will never die. I did get a little side tracked with some of these, they made me truly smile. I also found old diaries, old letters I had written to myself to help let go of helpless feelings and I also found old letters from a long gone friend, talking of never being able to repay me what I had done for her and how I was a true friend. 

These letters are my history and future all in one. They tell tales of love, promise and truth. Things shared that once written are forever said but not always remaining. All the letters hold meaning and made me smile. My past is what rounds us, good, bad and honest. 

Our excitement is growing at a rapid pace, as the days draw nearer to our departure. I'm going to always love this house but the important things that live between these four walls are coming with me. So there is no reason for saddness, just memories of all the love that was made and all the fun that was had. 

Back to the packing.......Bx 

A life in boxes!

Today I started packing boxes to move. It has been something I have struggled to start. As much as I want to move on, I'm very attached to the places I have lived. Attached to the memories that were made and the life that was created in between the four walls. I'm a shocker but I just can't help it. So I started packing and got the hardest part done first. The photos on the wall. 

I have to say I had just a little cry when the photos came down, but I think it almost made the packing easier. Easier to let go and easier to see the future. It made my home just my house. I know strange but this is me. The small things are crazy important and the big things are just a means. 

Putting your life in a box is sometimes for closure, sometimes for looking into the future and sometimes it is for our lives to move into another direction. As I was putting our things into the boxes I felt hope, saddness, excitement and a tiny bit scared. 

As the boxes start to pile high and the cupboards became empty, I say goodbye to the home that 3 of my babies came home to, where we said goodbye to many loved ones and where the house we bought back in 2004 became our home and life has been good, bad and down right strange at times kind of life. 

Back to the packing Bx 

Highs and lows

This week has been one with some amazing highs. Awesome feelings of heading in the right direction. It was like we were racing to the climax of the highs that we just couldn't wait for. My week did have a big low. Which I know you can't just have highs otherwise the balance would be lost.

This week has seen us do our last pizza nights at the shop. It was a huge decision, but the one thing that kept coming to my head was money is not worth as much as spending quality time with our girls. When I think about it Marty hasn't spent a Friday night with our girls in almost 3 years. That is huge when I consider how much the girls have changed in that time. 

The shouse got guttering this week and with no tank for another four weeks, our town got the best rain it has had for almost 12 months. It has been beautiful, singing in it worthy. We had a Marty and Bx night away. It was just yummy. Yummy to spend one on one time with my best friend. Talking and I mean non stop talking. It made me laugh, considering we spend everyday together at work, but away from being parents and bosś we are just a couple who just feed off each other. 

 Other highs this week include being on time to work, happy kids, sitting around the table at breakfast and listening to the girls and their crazy conversations. Watching our cat caius play with the kitten Jax. Starting to pack to move out. Relatively simple stuff, but when they give you butterflies, they are huge. 

Only one low to balance the week with, it was doubt and confusion. My head has so many rooms, that I try to lock out the negative, but it only takes one thing to unlock the doors. I struggled with these emotions, as all I could think was that it must be me. Doubt is like a poison ivy, it wraps around rational thought and pulls tight until you are completely irrational. Humanity and it's little quirks I suppose. I have managed to detangle most of the vine, but doubt is hard one to get rid of. Will just take time I guess. 

 So as I sit on my way back from a Marty and bec time weekend away, in Marty's jumper, searching for shapes in the big puffy clouds. I smile, cause next week is around the corner. 

Likes N dislikes

This week I have liked and disliked lots. Most Things have happened organically and some have been a little more premeditated. Life on the whole has been good. Balance is still trying to be found. 

This week the likes are huge. Things have happened with lots of positive outcomes. The shouse is water tight! We are renting our house out to a very beautiful family. We made a change at work so we could be a family like everyone else. Marty's test results were great and his health is good. 

I looked at the people I spend the majority of my time with and could only feel love. Love for my five girls, my Marty, my parents, my Westmans, my friends and the love for anyone I had the chance to smile with and has had the chance to giggle at me. 

My dislikes list is a little smaller for the week. I have disliked being judged for wanting to eat differently. Disliked being late in the mornings, disliked keeping Marty awake with my snoring. Dislike seeing my princess sad. 

My week is always full and the balance of it all sometimes is very uneven but that's part of the adventure of our lives. I think if you find more likes than dislikes in your day, to just go with it and enjoy what gets thrown your way and to let the dislikes float away. Well I try anyway, sometimes it's not that easy. Being human is hard. 

Bx

Hip hip hooray

This week I turned 34! I had the worst sleep possible the night before that I woke and had no idea what day it was, until Marty pulled me close to him and whispered happy birthday. I struggle with my birthday. I hate the ageing process, I have preyed on more than one occasion to be a vampire and live forever! I have to say the thought of not seeing my best friend every day makes my heart hurt and the thought of my girls being in the world without me is unimaginable. 

So as I said the day started with a shock and then it was calm. A quick trip to Cowra to renew the drivers license, and to make matters worse I have reached the age where if I have not had any fines in the last 5 years, I get my license for half price. New way to rub in my ageing!!

Got back to breakfast and cuddles with two of the cutest little men I know and coffee with a gorgeous friend and a three year old I could just smooch. People were walking in to the cafe and wishing me happy birthday. The joys of Facebook and a little town. It was lovely to feel a little bit of love, even if I cringed every time someone said it. 

The rest of the kids free time of the day we shouse built. Marty and I on the roof, him not worried, me petrified for my life. I'm up there thinking at any moment I am going off the edge for no apparent reason. I would get side tracked with just staring out over the block. I was in my happy place.

Kids picked up, milkshakes had, then tight arse Tuesday for dinner with waffles for dessert. I felt totally spoilt and loved. My ageing was still playing on my mind that night and it will continue to burn in the background for many reasons that I am not ready to air publicly. My day was a treat. Birthdays, love them or hate them, they are one day that is completly our own. 

 

Until my prays come true, it's another year older for me. 

Bx

Ps: I want to thank the amazing princess and shells for my hair voucher. I love you girls lots and lots and lots. Mwah

A day of what to do's!

This morning was the same as the last seven. Cranky, yelling, slow moving, no motivation and late. Always late. And this is just the children! Today just sucked. It sucked big nuts, big big nuts! The tough love thing has actually changed nothing. A big fat zero!!! 

This morning I think I just felt a little bit of ground hog! A bit down that I can't seem to work this parenting business out. A bit of throw my hands in the air and give up. A bit of can I put the kids on eBay? Accessories included!

So Marty and I were a little low. The girls had gone to school upset because they were being naughty again and knew they had upset me. I thought about them all day. Wondering if school distracted them. Whether they were ok? Whether they were enjoying their day?Whether they still loved me and their dad? What to do, what to do??!!

When they walked in at 3.20pm. I felt like I could breath again. Arms wrapped around me and I knew they still loved me.  They still weren't perfect, but Marty and I went home at 4pm and while they played we chatted about them. Talked about the things we have tried. The things we want to improve. The things that aren't working. It was calm, no yelling just making sure we are on the same page. 

Once we had worked out our plan, we called them in and talked. Talked about what we want from them, what they can expect from us. How the main thing they need to remember is respect! Respect for us, respect for each other and respect for other people. 

I'm trying to think positive. I trying to be strong with them and be consistant with what I will accept and what I won't. Parenting is the hardest job ever. We set high standards on ourselves, trying to live up to our parents standards. Trying to be more than is possible and not giving ourselves slack when we fail. 

Today ends better than it started. Happier, calmer and nicer than the morning fight club. I hold hope, that while I'm always learning in this job, that in someway, I'm doing something right. Even just a little. 

Bx

Tough love

This week saw my mummy skills hit a fork in the road. My girls have pushed and pushed and pushed some more and I just can't give anymore. They are walking all over me and I have to say I felt very defeated last week. I know they are just kids. Kids fight, kids are loud and kids can drive you crazy, but the difference with the girls lately is they are being very rude to Martin and I. This is where the problems occur!

I love them and would give them the world but I can't let them be the bosses. This is exactly what they have been thinking, and due to mummy guilt of working constantly I have no energy to say otherwise. With all this said, things had to change and quick. Punishment had to be effective and they had to learn respect towards us always. 

I broke down and just thought I must be the worst parent to be raising the monsters that have been living under my roof. I felt like giving up, not that I really knew how one would do that, as you can't return them and after so long they wouldn't fit where they came from!

Marty and I had to be on the same page. We chatted about the things we were doing wrong and how we needed to be a united front and we need to be consistant. Repeating the same things when they forget how one is meant to behave. Punishing their bad behaviour of the last few weeks by taking away all iPods, iPads etc (this I tell you is killing my eldest) for at least a month, to prove we have seen a change.

On the whole they have been pretty good thus far. Apart from being on the tired side today and having to be reminded of certain behaviours that we told them not to do. The same reminder is said and it seems to spark their memories. 

I know they will never be perfect, because we are all human. I just want to feel like they give a little crap about not embarrassing their parents every five minutes. That they understand there is a time and place for everything. That bad behaviour will have consequences and good behaviour will have some benefits. 

Parenting is by far the hardest job we are ever given in our lives. It comes with no training. It comes with no manual and problem solving is the name of the game. You develop team coordinating skils, you become a mediator and skilled in conflict resolution. Time management, multi tasking and coordinating lots of personalities is a daily ritual. I love this job with all my heart, sometimes it's just very hard. 

A shouse full of love

I haven't blogged about the block and the shouse for awhile. It has felt like we were never going to get anywhere. Between the paper work and the extreme dry heat the battle seeming to be lost at every corner. This week has seen a change. A new level of getting closer. Each hill being conquered. 

The last two days Marty has been up working on the shouse. We now have 2/3 of a roof! It's amazing to say how good this feels. My husband is doing an amazing job. He is learning constantly and I am so proud of him. 

Today he packed afternoon tea for the girls so when he picked them up they could head back to the block and finish the roofing that he started. He needed to get the insulation covered in case it rained, which funnily enough it did.  

They loved being up there. Now that they to are seeing the shouse take shape, they are excited. I knew none of this excitement until I greeted them at the shop door this afternoon. I was greeted with stories of what's going to be in their bedrooms. How a flying fox is planned. Where the tree house is going and don't ask how but a tunnel to a underwater pool. 

Their excited little faces and the squeals of laughter just made me giddy with my own excitement. Excitement because I too feel the same as them. 

My excitement lies in a big veggie patch and chickens and goats. To live off this gorgeous piece of heaven. To grow things seasonly and create from it in our shop. To wake up to the piece and quiet and feel like you are miles from anywhere. 

So whether young or old. The excitement of something is still always a driving source of energy and focus. I love that my girls find such joy there. I love seeing them play like I did as a child. I love seeing them make believe, with no device creating the experience for them. Don't get me wrong I love all things apple, but balance is required. 

Today's highlight was a childs excitement, that not matter how old, can still come out when the time suits. 

And a little bit of rain

We are traveling home from a weekend spent in the big smoke. Marty has had a bee in his bonnet about getting stuff done for his mum. We had decided to head down and Mother Nature had her own plans on how the weekend would go! 

We have not had rain for a long while so we are not complaining at all. We just made do with the conditions. Who said you can't go around a market in the rain. Who said you can't fix a door, who said you can't install a solar light in the rain and fix a gate. Well he did. 

He wished he could have done more but the rain did pull us up just a little. With this said the rain made way for some shouse shopping and some altogether down time watching movies and oh the Disney channel!

The weekend was nice. Nice to feel like your helping in any way. Nice to be able to have the girls spend time with their granny. Have Marty feel better having checked on his mum with his own eyes. It was nice to sit around eating toasted ciabatta with yummy raspberry jam and a warm cuppa. 

This weekend was stress free and refreshing. The rain has a way of cleansing us some how. It may be our natural connection with the earth. So as the weekend comes to an end and we won't be home for another 2 hours. Our weekend has been fulfilling with a whole lot of laughs thrown in. How was yours?

Bx

To be clear

I feel I had to clarify my blog and how I feel about it. It's honest and raw. It's the first thoughts that come to my mind. Which aren't always to prettiest but are the total truth. My blog is my diary of sorts. A way of recording the good, the bad and the just plain Bx moments of my day. 

I'm not perfect. I'm not with out fault. My life is not always fantastic but i do have some perfect in my life. My family and some very close friends whom love me for me and I of them. Warts and all!

I blog to let go of the negative that sometimes surrounds me and I blog the good to embrace all that I have. Sometimes I question the things I write, as they may be to personal for people to take, but we all have a choice. A choice to read, a choice to understand and a choice to be someone's friend. 

I love my blog. It is an outlet that I never thought I would enjoy so much, but I do. As I endeavour to get to the top of the rabbit hole this year and be well 100%, I hope my blog becomes more good than bad!

Bx