Chin up princess

I have found myself as I let go of anger and resentment comes feelings I have tried so very hard to suppress. Feelings of confusion. Confusion for trying to resolve my inner most thoughts. Thoughts that are simple to be honest but yet I can't seem to wrap my head around the outcome. 

These thoughts sadden me a lot as I always try to do unto to others as I would want them to do to me. This has been to my detriment once we moved to the country. I gave myself wholly to people. Sometimes giving way to much of myself all in the thought process that one day if I needed someone they would be there for me. 

This as it turns out was one big epic fail but still

I ponder

Am I that terrible

Am I that hate-able?

Am I what seems like dirt under their shoes?

The hardest thing I find is I don't talk about the negative stuff with people. I just can't. Even when someone talks fondly about one of them and I want to scream my ever loving freaking brains out! I stay silent. 

I'd love for my minds sanity to say I hated them. To act like their dead and be as hard as nails about the situation but I can't. I feel everything, albeit to much sometimes. 

I had just hoped some form of humanity would seep into their systems and for some resolution to have occurred. Just something, a conversation, a letter, a phone call. I mean for fuck sake I cut myself up and they didn't give two shits about me. Not one ounce, no matter what had happen between us, there was nothing. Maybe it's silly but I thought our friendship may have meant the same to them as it did me. 

Obviously I was wrong and I say it's ok but it still just plain sucks. Don't get me wrong, I take my share of the blame here too. Although  many times I picked up the phone or opened an email to make contact to resolve it, but have failed. I just couldn't do it, as I felt it would put me back into that same role of being the peace maker and the weak one. Being that person has messed with my head for many years and I don't want to be her anymore. 

So I ponder how do you let go completely?  How do you move forward when the past slaps you in the face at ever corner? How do you hold your head high when others look at you with disgust? How do you just be ok with what has happened and love yourself no matter what? Everyone finds it easy to say but deep down no one knows how to do it right. 

Please don't think I'm unhappy with my life or the people who choose to be in it with me. I love all of them, they are what brought me joy and make any of my darkest days feel worth it. I mean, out of all the above shit I gained far more than I could have ever imagined. I think I just need closure which I will never get but some how I need to learn to be ok with it.

This will mark the last post about this period in my life. I will not post about it again and have made the choice to close the chapter. This chapter although painful brought clarity to me and also open doors I never knew existed. I'm finally happy and part of something amazing outside of my beautiful little family. I am a firm believer that things happen to us for reasons bigger than we are and we are meant to stop and listen. Lessons can only be learnt if we listen to what we are being told. 

The view from the inside

Looking in the mirror just sucks lately. I see every detail in full vision and just about hate everything i see. Any imperfections are blindingly obvious and i want to scream! I just don't feel good about my image and i just can't seem change it. I am avoiding looking at myself which is sad, when did this happen?When did i start to hate the reflection staring back at me?

It just plan sucks!

Marty watches me while I'm dressing and doesn't see what i see, which I'm so glad for. The description he gives of my body and looks is at the polar opposites of what i describe.  How can our visions be so very different and yet we are both the same people. Its frustrating that as women we let our minds play games with our vision. Why do we see all the bad and never any of the good. It just plan sucks big hairy nuts.

I know the only person who can fix this problem comes from within me. I know this and yet I struggle like many to listen to the voice inside.  She just never pushes me hard enough to change the way it is so I can look in the mirror without cringing. 

I'm trying. Eating better, exercising and trying to be happy with what I see even when I want to close my eyes and pretend it looks a different way. Fingers crossed by new year I will be happier with the person staring back at me. 

Body image, lets be honest with each other, its the one thing everyone worries about a lot. No matter what size or sex, we just have so much pressure to be a certain way that makes all us normal people feel inadequate. Being happy in the skin you were given is easier said than done. 

Right place right time

Our weekend has been great. Working around the house after work on Saturday, ticking off jobs on the very big 'to do' list. Then a night out with friends, karaoke may or may not have been involved! Then today a lazy sleep in,  more jobs around the house with it capped off with a roast shared with some friends. You know it's not news worthy events but it opened my eyes to some news that I hadn't quite caught up to. 

 

We have friends in our lives that aren't just mine, that aren't just Marty's and they aren't there because we have kids in common.  They are people we both connect with. In only my dreams I thought these people existed. Because that is all I have ever known. I would have friends and Marty would tag along hating every minute or Marty would associate with people and I would stay at home. 

This land we live in now is like a dream. I love all these people so much. They are truely a gift we somehow got lucky to be in their lives. I mean I get to be also neighbours to some of them, how lucky can you get! I know I here you say, she is so lame, but I felt I needed to document my moment of clarity. 

This clarity really I have had a few thoughts of already but it pretty much slapped me in the face tonight. Finding your people is such a hard journey but when it happens it's pretty freaking cool. 

Moving, working and forgetting

Well life as we know it has finally changed. We are shouse living people and life couldn't on the whole, be better. You know things still aren't perfect and I tell you if things stopped going wrong, how would we really cope... But life is good. My girls are happy, Marty is still mine forever and I'm just a girl who somehow got lucky and gets to be with them all everyday! 

Each day to come home to the block brings a big exhaled breath and a huge goofy smile on your face that just doesn't seem to go anywhere. Things aren't completely finished and lots of work happens each afternoon with the list seeming to never be getting shorter, but it's great. The shouse is just plain perfect! The storms I must say are a whole lot wilder up on the hill, the sunsets are down right to die for and to watch the weather roll in over the mountains is almost movie like. It's our piece of forever. 

So the big move happened along with the return to work. I love what we do now. I love that what we make each Day is made with love and it is produced from known ingredients. It's real food where numbers do not exist. It makes me smile to see my Marty in his moment while cooking. I'm also enjoying being the number one taste tester! Even as he is complimented daily he never seems to let it go to his head, except for maybe the title of 'best coffee ever' from a regular that he likes to remind me of, but y'know he is just a very humble man whom I love more than my life!

Both of these things have created a balance that our family has lacked for months. My girls although have coped, in the last few weeks I can see they are settling again from the rocky road our lives have been on. I don't want to jinks it but life is good at the moment no matter how many hits we keep getting that costs more money! 

With life seeming good and my mind clear from fog I'm forgetting the pain of the past. The hopeless feelings of yesterday and the hurt of a few and forgiving everyone including myself. Life is for the living and I'm going to live and be the me who is always there in the moment, Good or bad!