Chin up princess

I have found myself as I let go of anger and resentment comes feelings I have tried so very hard to suppress. Feelings of confusion. Confusion for trying to resolve my inner most thoughts. Thoughts that are simple to be honest but yet I can't seem to wrap my head around the outcome. 

These thoughts sadden me a lot as I always try to do unto to others as I would want them to do to me. This has been to my detriment once we moved to the country. I gave myself wholly to people. Sometimes giving way to much of myself all in the thought process that one day if I needed someone they would be there for me. 

This as it turns out was one big epic fail but still

I ponder

Am I that terrible

Am I that hate-able?

Am I what seems like dirt under their shoes?

The hardest thing I find is I don't talk about the negative stuff with people. I just can't. Even when someone talks fondly about one of them and I want to scream my ever loving freaking brains out! I stay silent. 

I'd love for my minds sanity to say I hated them. To act like their dead and be as hard as nails about the situation but I can't. I feel everything, albeit to much sometimes. 

I had just hoped some form of humanity would seep into their systems and for some resolution to have occurred. Just something, a conversation, a letter, a phone call. I mean for fuck sake I cut myself up and they didn't give two shits about me. Not one ounce, no matter what had happen between us, there was nothing. Maybe it's silly but I thought our friendship may have meant the same to them as it did me. 

Obviously I was wrong and I say it's ok but it still just plain sucks. Don't get me wrong, I take my share of the blame here too. Although  many times I picked up the phone or opened an email to make contact to resolve it, but have failed. I just couldn't do it, as I felt it would put me back into that same role of being the peace maker and the weak one. Being that person has messed with my head for many years and I don't want to be her anymore. 

So I ponder how do you let go completely?  How do you move forward when the past slaps you in the face at ever corner? How do you hold your head high when others look at you with disgust? How do you just be ok with what has happened and love yourself no matter what? Everyone finds it easy to say but deep down no one knows how to do it right. 

Please don't think I'm unhappy with my life or the people who choose to be in it with me. I love all of them, they are what brought me joy and make any of my darkest days feel worth it. I mean, out of all the above shit I gained far more than I could have ever imagined. I think I just need closure which I will never get but some how I need to learn to be ok with it.

This will mark the last post about this period in my life. I will not post about it again and have made the choice to close the chapter. This chapter although painful brought clarity to me and also open doors I never knew existed. I'm finally happy and part of something amazing outside of my beautiful little family. I am a firm believer that things happen to us for reasons bigger than we are and we are meant to stop and listen. Lessons can only be learnt if we listen to what we are being told.