big shoes, big fall

So I’m a mum of 4 young women. No real news there. My house is filled with vaginas and I have always loved it. I mean I yearned for a little man, for a long time, I think because social norms told me I was defective for not producing one. Anyway, I got side tracked. The challenges for the last 6+ months in our house for one of our young ladies has been slowly escalating and we have tried everything to get her to see past her own wants, needs and desires. 

My heart had started to show shows of breaking apart, because what she was saying and doing was slowly tearing our world apart. It’s been like the cancer that had already smashed our world into pieces was regrouping and sinking it’s teeth into whoever was left. The behaviour has been escalating where fierce verbal arguments seemed to becoming a daily occurrence. 

These fights were like a finely balanced glass ball on top of a very busy life of juggling work, single parent living half the month, study for my course and making sure the rest of my humans weren’t being to affect by this monster. I’ve scream, I’ve cried in the shower where I hope no one could hear me, I’ve begged the heavens to just give my Mum back because I can’t do this and then I’ve also begged the heavens to take me away. 

At times I question whether my depression will just grab me from behind and pull me back off the ledge. The thought scares me because I have worked so hard to be the best version of myself when my world has been a struggle. The difference between it winning or losing at the moment is I’m being honest about how sad this is making me. 

The last two weeks the fights have been coming more frequently. We almost could go a week, then it was every 4 days and now it’s been everyday. She is walking around, like a human shell of what she once was. No smiling, barely talking and then when she would talk, it would barely be a minute before she erupted because she didn’t like what was being said. 

I’ve openly said I don’t know how to help anymore and then it happened. Everyone told her how she made them feel. Tears fell like rain on a dusty paddock, it was cleansing. It hurt to see everyone has been hurting because of the arguments but we all needed to know how everyone was feeling. She needed to know how it was affecting her sisters and to see the pain in her strong Dads face. 

So since this happening last week, we have reached out to professionals for help. The fighting and arguing that is present in our house is not normal for our home and we need to help her. She wanted to runaway and this scared the crap out of me when I found the bags. Inside of this angry human, we know lives a beautiful human who is just hidden at the moment. 

Being a parent is a very solo journey that we rarely share our hard times of. It becomes very isolating and we are all guilty of thinking that the grass is always greener somewhere else. This moment in my journey is requiring great strength, that at times I just have not had. I feel a huge pressure to be better than I’m being and the fear of failure is huge. I feel the huge shoes that need to be filled from my Mum. Shoes I’m struggling to fill, but know I have to keep growing so I can one day. I need to be more for the girls and myself.