A rabbit hole has taken another

This week has been sad. Sad of the loss of Robin Williams. He was a funny man. A smiling man and a famous man. His demons were obviously bigger than his humour and his fame. His rabbit hole was deep and he fell! Fell all the way to the bottom and decided to stay there as his choice to exist the rabbit hole. His strength had all left him and his fight for freedom had been lost. His choice was hard. Harder than most realise. 

Suicide is a hard choice. It to an outsider seems like a way out. An easy choice and very selfish. Once upon a time I would have thought the same. Would have judged them harshly for doing such a thing. 

Not now!

Not ever again!

Now my heart breaks to know how hard that choice would have been and how helpless they would have felt to get to that moment. How strong one must be to resound your self to following through with it. How when your in that head space, you just want the pain to be taken away.

I almost followed through with Robins same decision. I just wanted to never hurt again. To never feel the pain of this monster. For the monster to win and take me away. Away from the negative and be free from hurting anyone else. When your in that moment, you blame yourself, you blame only yourself!

I remember every cut! Every cut made the pain inside ease. It's weird to say that out load but it did. 

My luck was that my love found me and made me realise my pain can be his pain. That my heart he could heal through his strength. He would help me climb out of the rabbit hole. I was lucky to have him! Not everyone is this lucky or feels they can share the load of the pain of depression. 

One lesson I learnt probably the same day I tried to end my life. That some people in your life are not good for you. Some don't belong there and some are just nasty souls that are not able to care about another's pain. From that day I shared my inner workings of my head.  Yes it was hard and yes I honestly worried that many others would be like this nasty soul. Yet I shared and it helped. 

Saying that your messed up and not perfect is healthy. Healthy to make people know I'm not perfect. That my mind needed work. It needed a helping hand. I want people to talk. Tell each other how you are. Be honest. We all are better if we work as one and stop hiding in the bushes as such. 

I wish Robin could have had someone help take part of his pain away. Had helped him make his way out and be well. I wish he could have talked freely about his demons to his people. Sharing his mess without judgement. Seriously it's not that much to expect these days. May his death make way for others to share their pain. 

RIP funny man!