Life is awesome

This week has been peachy. All I could ever want for my life to happen....NOT! Tuesday we had a fire in our shops kitchen. Within 10 minutes the whole kitchen was on fire. My brain could only process our lives going up in smoke. 

How will we pay for food?

How will we pay for clothes? 

How will we pay our mortgage?

How will we give our girls all that we can when we have nothing now?

Then I went numb. 

Cold. 

Shaking. 

When I dreamt of how my life would be at 34, it wasn't homeless, broke and jobless. I have to say it still doesn't seem real. I have not slept more than a two hour stint. I can't focus when people are talking to me. My stomach is in knots. I can't think straight. 

Everyone is like five steps ahead of us. The thought of rebuilding and reopening somewhere else is so far removed from where we are at. At the moment it's just insurance claims, money to live and a roof over our heads. 

The majority of strangers that have come to the shop door and tried to peer in the windows is disturbing. Even more so the ones that seem to think that because the front restaurant area isn't burnt that it's not that bad. It is very bad. 

Our insurance  will be lucky to cover all that was damaged. With no money coming in, how do we pay shop bills along with our personal. It's bad and we are wollowing but the road ahead is just not easy. 

The shop reopening may not happen, depending on many factors. I'm trying to be glass is half full but the week has been shit! Down right shit. Life will get better and we will rise back up. I'm just so thankful I have the amazing family and friends that I do. They are truly a blessing I can't thank the gods enough for. I will pay back what everyone has done for us ten fold. 

Bx

Sunday Promise...

Today felt good. As the hours past at working heading towards 2pm when the doors would close in the shop and the working week would end. I found myself looking up at the clock and smiling.

Marty leant into me while i was at the coffee machine and whispered in my ear 'Can we go for breakfast tomorrow, where someone else cooks it'. Smiling i nodded and found myself thinking of how we are heading back to normal. Work has settled back to normal busy. The kids are headed for school holidays. Life is making me smile and stress is not ruling my head.

Stress got the better of me over the last few weeks and Marty has coped the eye of the Bx storm. Not a pretty sight and one i would even run from. Stress is a nasty beast and i do so hate what it does to me. If only there was a special tablet we could take to take the stress away!

So things are headed back on track with the shouse building. Our Power is being put on and the tank will finally be installed next week. Marty has said it will only be a few months after this to be finished, which makes my heart sing. At present we are in transition with living and working in the same building. The kids have no space to run and i have no place to sit outside and enjoy the fresh air. We have lots of stairs, always thought i would love a two storey house now i don't think i would ever want one.

So tomorrow has a promise of being just plan yummy. Totally relaxed and totally easy. My eyes are already getting sleepy, so tomorrow is really not far away. Enjoy Sunday my lovelies :)

Of late

Life had equalled work and work has been my life of late. Work, work and lots more work. This sounds like I'm whinging but infact I'm not. It has just been a priority of late with renovations and our biggest week of the year. This has meant lots of things have been left on hold, even down to parenting. The poor girls have been almost raising themselves these last few weeks. We have been late to school lots and very very tired. I truly feel guilty.

So today Marty gave me my first day off just to relax since the 17th of May. He has looked at me and knows I have face planted the wall so to speak and need a time out. I can't tell you how happy I am that he noticed. 

I have been struggling with the stress of work of late. It has been spilling over and making me take it out on Marty, which is not fair on him at all. I just thank god he loves me so much more than he should to put up with me. I love him so much for this. I love him for putting up with my grumpy moods and snappy voice. He is truly the best person I have ever known. 

Today was nice. I read a book with a Nanna blanket, cup of tea and my little kitten Jax always on my lap. I relaxed, I felt like I should get up and do housework or book work but that urge just never seem to be a dominating force. My smutty book was only interrupted by my little girls coming home. 

I'm still tired and the thought of going to work tomorrow is hard. I am so thankful for some time out to recharge and to re assess where im heading with my family and how life will soon be very different. 

My mini me turns 9!

Amelia or better known as 'Mills' is our second child and also by proxy our middle child. She is super quirky, loud, sensitive and above all else is loved more than life itself. Tomorrow is her birthday. She is only one year off double digits and still she is so very innocent. Except maybe for when she is checking out good looking boys. 

Mills is always the last ready anytime of the day. She is the child that will be dancing while everyone else sits quietly. She sings a lot and actually has a good voice. She collects every little tricket she finds no matter if it really is rubbish. Mills is unique. 

Mills seems to grow almost unnoticed and yet she is never forgotten. 

When asked what she wanted to do for her birthday she replied with "I want you, dad and my sisters to go to the rifle range". She is the son Marty never got and the boy I always wanted. She is super girly and yet happy to shoot rabbits with Marty. 

When I look at mills I still see the beautiful dark haired baby with the most amazing coloured eyes I have every seen. They change from green to hazel and have the deepest dusty blue ring around them. 

I know as mills grows and changes she will become a stunning lady, who i have no doubts will own a gun and a ute and drive it in heals!

 Happy birthday moocher!

Step away from that phone....

Of late our family dynamic is slipping. Conversation is minimal, iPads, iPods, iPhones and big TV is raining supreme! We sit all in the one room not talking, not interacting. ITS SAD! Today was a scream fest to beat down all the others. The morning consisted of kids not focusing, not listening and generally just being lazy kids. I'm sure as they walked into school well after the morning bell that they hated me just a little. 

I felt gutted. I arrived back at work and walked straight to the toilet and burst into  tears. I hate yelling all the time. I hate having to be the bad guy all the time! I down right hate it. I almost made a silent promise of change there and then. Once Marty and I had spoken for almost 40 minutes about the problems we were having as a unit. 

A decision was made to switch off Facebook. I am choosing them over a screen. I'm listening to there stories and not reading others. I am choosing to be a better parent at the sacrifice of the outside world. The TV does not go on until 7pm. Electronics are limited to only a half an hour of the day and we will know what the kids are up to everyday. Although I will miss reading everyone's stories and getting giggles knowing how others feel when out parenting fails us. I know it is the best for us right know. 

We also made a promise to finish the shouse as quickly as we can once the June long weekend is out of the way. The kids need space to run, we also need space to from work and space to breath again. I miss my garden. I miss seeing my girls play while Marty cooks dinner and I hang washing out.  I just miss normality. 

Bx

A whole year has gone

Yesterday was Mother's Day. A day I love, a day that I think I like more than my birthday, for one fact you don't age on Mother's Day. This special day was always my favourite until last year it became the worst day of my life to date. I had fallen off a cliff and there was no way I was climbing back up until I hit the bottom. My mental health was in the toilet and all that was left of me was an empty shell. It was terrible. 

The year has been a roller coaster, with plenty of ups and downs. I have learnt huge lessons and lost many so called friends. I have grown and changed and for lack of better wording I have found the true me. The me that doesn't take crap. The me that stands up for my self and the ones I love. The me that will never play games to stay friends with anyone. 

That petty talking behind peoples back is something I just will not be involved in. People are all different and unless I was perfect, who am I to judge. I have enjoyed over the last twelve months of not having to juggle friends. I don't have a friend I call every other day. I just don't want to be that needy with anyone ever! 

The people that have touch my soul over the last twelve months will remain there forever. I don't believe I need to list them as I know they will know. I am truly thankful to all of them, as this Mother's Day I was a completely different Bx than last year. I was happy, healthy, strong and   True. 

So with that said it brings me back to yesterday. I was treated to special poems and specially picked gifts by the girls. We cuddled in our bed with the girls until the time to get up and go to work invaded this lovely moment. Once work finished Marty had organised a feast at the block, which was just plan beautiful. I had no idea who was coming and was so blown away with the effort Marty had gone to to make the day so very different from the last. 

Twelve months can make a world of difference sometimes. 

A letter to Miss Maya

Dear Maya,

11 years ago tomorrow you made your entrance into the world. It was one of the best days of my life. A day where I became a mother to a beautiful little girl.  You were perfect, with deep blue eyes, dark head of crazy hair, ten fingers and ten toes to complete the package. Your dad cried the first time he held you. Tears streamed down his face at the realisation you were a little lady and not a little boy as we had thought you were going to be. 

Our life from that day has never been the same and has been so much fuller for the fact your in it. When we brought you home, we had no idea what we were doing. We learnt as we went along. Always stumbling at the obsticales you would present, but we got through them. I think all three of us were learning from each other. You were a happy baby but would not like to sleep much through the day, which to be honest was our lack of knowledge in baby raising department. The first year sailed by with so many milestones. 

When you were two we brought home a little sister for you. You would kiss Amelia all day long if we let you. I think you loved her as much as we did. She was your shadow and to this day still looks up to you for everything. Not to far after Amelia, we brought home two more baby sisters, which made life very crazy for a few years. You were only three and a half but I remember looking at you thinking how grown up you were for your age. How you always helped mummy. 

Today as I looked at you in your last day of being ten, I am reminded that everyday with you is still us learning. You will always be the one we make mistakes with and try to do what's best, we think anyway. Your so close to being a young lady, that it does quite frankly scare us to bits. We just don't want to stuff up!

I know as you head into lady land, you will become all that is possible and be the person we will always be proud of and love unconditionally. 

I love you more than is humanly possible and more than the stars in the sky. 

Love always

Mum xxx