Chin up princess

I have found myself as I let go of anger and resentment comes feelings I have tried so very hard to suppress. Feelings of confusion. Confusion for trying to resolve my inner most thoughts. Thoughts that are simple to be honest but yet I can't seem to wrap my head around the outcome. 

These thoughts sadden me a lot as I always try to do unto to others as I would want them to do to me. This has been to my detriment once we moved to the country. I gave myself wholly to people. Sometimes giving way to much of myself all in the thought process that one day if I needed someone they would be there for me. 

This as it turns out was one big epic fail but still

I ponder

Am I that terrible

Am I that hate-able?

Am I what seems like dirt under their shoes?

The hardest thing I find is I don't talk about the negative stuff with people. I just can't. Even when someone talks fondly about one of them and I want to scream my ever loving freaking brains out! I stay silent. 

I'd love for my minds sanity to say I hated them. To act like their dead and be as hard as nails about the situation but I can't. I feel everything, albeit to much sometimes. 

I had just hoped some form of humanity would seep into their systems and for some resolution to have occurred. Just something, a conversation, a letter, a phone call. I mean for fuck sake I cut myself up and they didn't give two shits about me. Not one ounce, no matter what had happen between us, there was nothing. Maybe it's silly but I thought our friendship may have meant the same to them as it did me. 

Obviously I was wrong and I say it's ok but it still just plain sucks. Don't get me wrong, I take my share of the blame here too. Although  many times I picked up the phone or opened an email to make contact to resolve it, but have failed. I just couldn't do it, as I felt it would put me back into that same role of being the peace maker and the weak one. Being that person has messed with my head for many years and I don't want to be her anymore. 

So I ponder how do you let go completely?  How do you move forward when the past slaps you in the face at ever corner? How do you hold your head high when others look at you with disgust? How do you just be ok with what has happened and love yourself no matter what? Everyone finds it easy to say but deep down no one knows how to do it right. 

Please don't think I'm unhappy with my life or the people who choose to be in it with me. I love all of them, they are what brought me joy and make any of my darkest days feel worth it. I mean, out of all the above shit I gained far more than I could have ever imagined. I think I just need closure which I will never get but some how I need to learn to be ok with it.

This will mark the last post about this period in my life. I will not post about it again and have made the choice to close the chapter. This chapter although painful brought clarity to me and also open doors I never knew existed. I'm finally happy and part of something amazing outside of my beautiful little family. I am a firm believer that things happen to us for reasons bigger than we are and we are meant to stop and listen. Lessons can only be learnt if we listen to what we are being told. 

The view from the inside

Looking in the mirror just sucks lately. I see every detail in full vision and just about hate everything i see. Any imperfections are blindingly obvious and i want to scream! I just don't feel good about my image and i just can't seem change it. I am avoiding looking at myself which is sad, when did this happen?When did i start to hate the reflection staring back at me?

It just plan sucks!

Marty watches me while I'm dressing and doesn't see what i see, which I'm so glad for. The description he gives of my body and looks is at the polar opposites of what i describe.  How can our visions be so very different and yet we are both the same people. Its frustrating that as women we let our minds play games with our vision. Why do we see all the bad and never any of the good. It just plan sucks big hairy nuts.

I know the only person who can fix this problem comes from within me. I know this and yet I struggle like many to listen to the voice inside.  She just never pushes me hard enough to change the way it is so I can look in the mirror without cringing. 

I'm trying. Eating better, exercising and trying to be happy with what I see even when I want to close my eyes and pretend it looks a different way. Fingers crossed by new year I will be happier with the person staring back at me. 

Body image, lets be honest with each other, its the one thing everyone worries about a lot. No matter what size or sex, we just have so much pressure to be a certain way that makes all us normal people feel inadequate. Being happy in the skin you were given is easier said than done. 

Right place right time

Our weekend has been great. Working around the house after work on Saturday, ticking off jobs on the very big 'to do' list. Then a night out with friends, karaoke may or may not have been involved! Then today a lazy sleep in,  more jobs around the house with it capped off with a roast shared with some friends. You know it's not news worthy events but it opened my eyes to some news that I hadn't quite caught up to. 

 

We have friends in our lives that aren't just mine, that aren't just Marty's and they aren't there because we have kids in common.  They are people we both connect with. In only my dreams I thought these people existed. Because that is all I have ever known. I would have friends and Marty would tag along hating every minute or Marty would associate with people and I would stay at home. 

This land we live in now is like a dream. I love all these people so much. They are truely a gift we somehow got lucky to be in their lives. I mean I get to be also neighbours to some of them, how lucky can you get! I know I here you say, she is so lame, but I felt I needed to document my moment of clarity. 

This clarity really I have had a few thoughts of already but it pretty much slapped me in the face tonight. Finding your people is such a hard journey but when it happens it's pretty freaking cool. 

Moving, working and forgetting

Well life as we know it has finally changed. We are shouse living people and life couldn't on the whole, be better. You know things still aren't perfect and I tell you if things stopped going wrong, how would we really cope... But life is good. My girls are happy, Marty is still mine forever and I'm just a girl who somehow got lucky and gets to be with them all everyday! 

Each day to come home to the block brings a big exhaled breath and a huge goofy smile on your face that just doesn't seem to go anywhere. Things aren't completely finished and lots of work happens each afternoon with the list seeming to never be getting shorter, but it's great. The shouse is just plain perfect! The storms I must say are a whole lot wilder up on the hill, the sunsets are down right to die for and to watch the weather roll in over the mountains is almost movie like. It's our piece of forever. 

So the big move happened along with the return to work. I love what we do now. I love that what we make each Day is made with love and it is produced from known ingredients. It's real food where numbers do not exist. It makes me smile to see my Marty in his moment while cooking. I'm also enjoying being the number one taste tester! Even as he is complimented daily he never seems to let it go to his head, except for maybe the title of 'best coffee ever' from a regular that he likes to remind me of, but y'know he is just a very humble man whom I love more than my life!

Both of these things have created a balance that our family has lacked for months. My girls although have coped, in the last few weeks I can see they are settling again from the rocky road our lives have been on. I don't want to jinks it but life is good at the moment no matter how many hits we keep getting that costs more money! 

With life seeming good and my mind clear from fog I'm forgetting the pain of the past. The hopeless feelings of yesterday and the hurt of a few and forgiving everyone including myself. Life is for the living and I'm going to live and be the me who is always there in the moment, Good or bad! 

The wants of many....

As I sit in the passenger seat of the car on the way home from a wedding. I'm pondering all that I need to do. All this week will hold and how all our plans and changes will come together. As most will know I can keep secrets well and not tell a soul something if it is shared in confidence but when it's something I so want to share about stuff I'm doing and can't.... it is freak'n killing me! I mean really killing me.

People keep asking what we are doing in the shop it's hard not to spill every bean to them. I say things like it will be different. Big changes! More like us! But when it boils down to it it tells people nothing. Not what they really want to know and not what I really want to tell them. 

The fire changed everything. It changed us to the point we had to re evaluate every part of our business. What we were doing and what we really wanted to do. It gave us time to think and gave us time to put into motion our real want for our business. It took time. Time I know people didn't want it to take but finally we will be back in a weeks time. 

Our beautiful regulars will have great coffee once more and fresh whole food. With a lot of extras they have no idea about. One thing I can share is 'no' fryer will be in store. It may confuse a few but to be honest the thought of a fryer scares the living crap out of me after the fire. 

So as my mind goes 100 miles an hour with listing things to do, I am excited to see peoples faces and to know we have been missed greatly. So let the count down begin. The dog is on it's way back.

 

WOW

I am so freak'n excited at the moment. I am filled with nervous excitement. I just can't contain it.  I am likely to jump up and down with squealing added for no real reason. Im just that excited. Ya want to know why? Everything is getting there. The shouse. The shop. It's all coming together, although I'm so flippn stressed that I'm not going to get everything done!

Okay first up the shop. Finally the clean up in readiness for the painters to start and floor coverings to happen. I have got heaps unpacked and next week I will have the front of house complete set up! It's looking great. I find myself smiling at it. New products are being ordered and organised. It's killing me not to share what we are doing with everyone. 

Next up the shouse. We have a kitchen, 80% of the walls, plumbing, power and the list could keep going on. It's looking amazing and finally I feel like the finish line is in sight. Finally we are getting up to jobs I an help out more with. I'm so proud of Marty for all his hard work and thankful to my Dad and Mum for helping.  

What more could a girl want. I'm not after diamonds or gold, I just am happy to have a simple home with the ones I love. I'm happy and I can't seem to hide it.

Spring has sprung

Wow its September! Already i hear you say, but its spring YAY! This is the time of year where new growth happens so quietly. Trees blossom and flowers bud. Babies seem to appear in paddocks and lovers are tying themselves to each other for life in marriage. Spring is a beautiful time where life wakes up again from its winter sleep. I love it unless you haven't already guessed. Things for us seem to have woken up and are going full steam ahead with growth. I won't lie its very stressful with both the house and the shop moving toward the finish line at the exact same time but I'm determined. Which Marty fines really annoying because I'm riding him constantly about getting everything done which is hard!

Everything is just so time consuming that it feels like things are not moving faster enough and yet they are but we as humans don't seem to think its enough. Marty is doing a great job, i just wish i could do more to help him more. When we list whats left to do its not that much but the days just keep getting away from us and life sometimes gets in the way.

I have to keep telling myself that things are happening and we are moving forward. It will all get finished and we will then have:

1. A house to live in
2. A business that will provide us with a income to live on

In saying that we are in Sydney this weekend, not working on anything, which is hard as its lost time but we have done lots for the shop fit out, so its not like we haven't done what we need to do. And you know what its balance. We are spending time with people that matter and that's important to. Even in our rush to get everything done you have to stop and remember to not let life get in the way with spending time taking a time out. So for the rest of this weekend we will spend time with family and friends. Relaxing and laughing and eating. Eating always seems to happen to the point i feel like a bloated mule, which was my feeling of lasts nights outing to the best Italian i know. It was so good and i was so full i couldn't do dessert. Which for my close friend know that doesn't happen, there is always room for dessert.

So as i finally finish this, sitting in my quiet mother in laws house, where at 8am no one is awake bar me and the animals. I'm just going to spend the rest of this month trying to go with the flow and also work as hard as i humanly can. Which i totally know is a contradiction but that's me. try for mellow but always end up crazy!