A moment in time to cry

We had a weekend away last weekend. It was cold and wet and yet it was great. Camping with my family and I forgot for a Moment what was really happening in our lives. Forgot that things aren't fantastic. Just plain forgot or I just froze to the core of not being able to think. 

Yet here it is. 

No business, no home, no income. 

Reality. It's amazing how quickly it sets back In without the distraction. It sucks to have to remember it. To have the stress just go from zero to 100 from nothing. Your head just can't handle it. It struggles with the change. Well my head does anyway. It struggles with any form of stress nowadays. 

Things are stressful as the funds get down to nothing and no sign of when any relief is in sight. The hardest part is looking at the girls and knowing they understand things are bad but they are still that. Kids. Kids who don't need to know how bad things are. Why we can't go out to dinner. Why they can't get that box of cereal because it's just not fitting in the budget. 

I hate this. I hate it more that it's happening in a public arena where people have there own story of what's going on in our lives. I hate going up to the shops because the first question you get it how long til your shop opens back up. I can't answer it anymore. I just can't. It's not just a matter of cleaning up and opening up. Everything is ruined and the way the hits keep coming. There won't be anywhere near enough money to reopen. 

I want to scream at people. I want to tell them where to go. Times are tough, even though my chin is up, which it always is as being down causes a double chin! I'm just sad and I think today I needed to wallow. 

Tomorrow I hope is better. 

Dust, smoke and rotten food

The packing and clean up has started in the shop and the flat upstairs. The council has deemed the building unsafe so this means no business and no home. It has been a hard week, where time has almost drifted by without our noticing. Each day has been taken as it comes. Lists were made so we could get to the next goal. 

The next step. 

The next slap in the face. 

The next big hit. 

So we have continued on with many people asking us how we are. It's so hard to answer that question, because my customer service skills kick in and tell me to say 'great'. No one wants to know how bad you are, is all I hear in my head. The thing is people do want to know, I just find it hard to say 'life is down right shit'. 

I can't bring myself to say I'm bad, it's just not in my nature. I would much prefer not to burden someone else with my crap. 

So today is one week on. Insurance claim conversation has been the main conversation that is happening with Marty and I. Thoughts of what we will do is so far from rational thought. As it stands we are only worrying about getting paid for our contents to pay our bills, put a roof over our families head and getting through everyday as it comes. 

Our family is strong and will make it to the end of this blackness. Even with all this blackness, my girls are still giggling, I'm still singing and Marty is still laughing at all of us. 

The road to recovery is rough, bumpy and has no toilet breaks in sight. 

Life is awesome

This week has been peachy. All I could ever want for my life to happen....NOT! Tuesday we had a fire in our shops kitchen. Within 10 minutes the whole kitchen was on fire. My brain could only process our lives going up in smoke. 

How will we pay for food?

How will we pay for clothes? 

How will we pay our mortgage?

How will we give our girls all that we can when we have nothing now?

Then I went numb. 

Cold. 

Shaking. 

When I dreamt of how my life would be at 34, it wasn't homeless, broke and jobless. I have to say it still doesn't seem real. I have not slept more than a two hour stint. I can't focus when people are talking to me. My stomach is in knots. I can't think straight. 

Everyone is like five steps ahead of us. The thought of rebuilding and reopening somewhere else is so far removed from where we are at. At the moment it's just insurance claims, money to live and a roof over our heads. 

The majority of strangers that have come to the shop door and tried to peer in the windows is disturbing. Even more so the ones that seem to think that because the front restaurant area isn't burnt that it's not that bad. It is very bad. 

Our insurance  will be lucky to cover all that was damaged. With no money coming in, how do we pay shop bills along with our personal. It's bad and we are wollowing but the road ahead is just not easy. 

The shop reopening may not happen, depending on many factors. I'm trying to be glass is half full but the week has been shit! Down right shit. Life will get better and we will rise back up. I'm just so thankful I have the amazing family and friends that I do. They are truly a blessing I can't thank the gods enough for. I will pay back what everyone has done for us ten fold. 

Bx

Sunday Promise...

Today felt good. As the hours past at working heading towards 2pm when the doors would close in the shop and the working week would end. I found myself looking up at the clock and smiling.

Marty leant into me while i was at the coffee machine and whispered in my ear 'Can we go for breakfast tomorrow, where someone else cooks it'. Smiling i nodded and found myself thinking of how we are heading back to normal. Work has settled back to normal busy. The kids are headed for school holidays. Life is making me smile and stress is not ruling my head.

Stress got the better of me over the last few weeks and Marty has coped the eye of the Bx storm. Not a pretty sight and one i would even run from. Stress is a nasty beast and i do so hate what it does to me. If only there was a special tablet we could take to take the stress away!

So things are headed back on track with the shouse building. Our Power is being put on and the tank will finally be installed next week. Marty has said it will only be a few months after this to be finished, which makes my heart sing. At present we are in transition with living and working in the same building. The kids have no space to run and i have no place to sit outside and enjoy the fresh air. We have lots of stairs, always thought i would love a two storey house now i don't think i would ever want one.

So tomorrow has a promise of being just plan yummy. Totally relaxed and totally easy. My eyes are already getting sleepy, so tomorrow is really not far away. Enjoy Sunday my lovelies :)

Of late

Life had equalled work and work has been my life of late. Work, work and lots more work. This sounds like I'm whinging but infact I'm not. It has just been a priority of late with renovations and our biggest week of the year. This has meant lots of things have been left on hold, even down to parenting. The poor girls have been almost raising themselves these last few weeks. We have been late to school lots and very very tired. I truly feel guilty.

So today Marty gave me my first day off just to relax since the 17th of May. He has looked at me and knows I have face planted the wall so to speak and need a time out. I can't tell you how happy I am that he noticed. 

I have been struggling with the stress of work of late. It has been spilling over and making me take it out on Marty, which is not fair on him at all. I just thank god he loves me so much more than he should to put up with me. I love him so much for this. I love him for putting up with my grumpy moods and snappy voice. He is truly the best person I have ever known. 

Today was nice. I read a book with a Nanna blanket, cup of tea and my little kitten Jax always on my lap. I relaxed, I felt like I should get up and do housework or book work but that urge just never seem to be a dominating force. My smutty book was only interrupted by my little girls coming home. 

I'm still tired and the thought of going to work tomorrow is hard. I am so thankful for some time out to recharge and to re assess where im heading with my family and how life will soon be very different.