The dark is scary

For the last few months my world has been very dark. No light has filtered into it. A cloud has cover my mind, body and soul. The depression I had fought a battle with and won a couple of years ago had clawed her nasty way back up and dragged me down into the rabbit hole. She crept up so slowly I never really knew I was changing, until one day life just seemed way to hard, way to sad and way to much for me to bare anymore. 

Although I knew what had happened and how I should get help. Getting help was the hardest to face. I felt like a failure for being back in this dark place. I was embarrassed to have admitt I was a mess again. The only person who knew I had fallen was Marty and as much as he wanted me to get some help, I just couldn't face it until I could recognise when I hit rock bottom. 

The dark completely claimed me a couple of weeks ago. The meds are starting to kick in, the side effects are 'lovely', my smiles are becoming real. I say real because I think I have had a fake one on my face for months and laughing had become minimal. With the hard stuff said, with this darkness comes clarity. I learnt a lot about myself the last time I went through this. 

This time it almost seems like a refined clarity on what I have learnt. It's clarity on existing relationships, clarity on how I should be as a parent, clarity on looking after me. Although I felt like a failure for being back here, I always knew I held strength to fight and strength to be better again, I'm just glad I have some amazing people around me who don't see me as weak but help empower my strength. 

So my days are more grey than black and even hold flashes of light. I laughed again over the weekend and Marty was just gazing at me as he hadn't seen me like it for a while. My protector is never far away and my girls are being amazing with me and my crazy head.