Moving, working and forgetting

Well life as we know it has finally changed. We are shouse living people and life couldn't on the whole, be better. You know things still aren't perfect and I tell you if things stopped going wrong, how would we really cope... But life is good. My girls are happy, Marty is still mine forever and I'm just a girl who somehow got lucky and gets to be with them all everyday! 

Each day to come home to the block brings a big exhaled breath and a huge goofy smile on your face that just doesn't seem to go anywhere. Things aren't completely finished and lots of work happens each afternoon with the list seeming to never be getting shorter, but it's great. The shouse is just plain perfect! The storms I must say are a whole lot wilder up on the hill, the sunsets are down right to die for and to watch the weather roll in over the mountains is almost movie like. It's our piece of forever. 

So the big move happened along with the return to work. I love what we do now. I love that what we make each Day is made with love and it is produced from known ingredients. It's real food where numbers do not exist. It makes me smile to see my Marty in his moment while cooking. I'm also enjoying being the number one taste tester! Even as he is complimented daily he never seems to let it go to his head, except for maybe the title of 'best coffee ever' from a regular that he likes to remind me of, but y'know he is just a very humble man whom I love more than my life!

Both of these things have created a balance that our family has lacked for months. My girls although have coped, in the last few weeks I can see they are settling again from the rocky road our lives have been on. I don't want to jinks it but life is good at the moment no matter how many hits we keep getting that costs more money! 

With life seeming good and my mind clear from fog I'm forgetting the pain of the past. The hopeless feelings of yesterday and the hurt of a few and forgiving everyone including myself. Life is for the living and I'm going to live and be the me who is always there in the moment, Good or bad! 

The wants of many....

As I sit in the passenger seat of the car on the way home from a wedding. I'm pondering all that I need to do. All this week will hold and how all our plans and changes will come together. As most will know I can keep secrets well and not tell a soul something if it is shared in confidence but when it's something I so want to share about stuff I'm doing and can't.... it is freak'n killing me! I mean really killing me.

People keep asking what we are doing in the shop it's hard not to spill every bean to them. I say things like it will be different. Big changes! More like us! But when it boils down to it it tells people nothing. Not what they really want to know and not what I really want to tell them. 

The fire changed everything. It changed us to the point we had to re evaluate every part of our business. What we were doing and what we really wanted to do. It gave us time to think and gave us time to put into motion our real want for our business. It took time. Time I know people didn't want it to take but finally we will be back in a weeks time. 

Our beautiful regulars will have great coffee once more and fresh whole food. With a lot of extras they have no idea about. One thing I can share is 'no' fryer will be in store. It may confuse a few but to be honest the thought of a fryer scares the living crap out of me after the fire. 

So as my mind goes 100 miles an hour with listing things to do, I am excited to see peoples faces and to know we have been missed greatly. So let the count down begin. The dog is on it's way back.

 

WOW

I am so freak'n excited at the moment. I am filled with nervous excitement. I just can't contain it.  I am likely to jump up and down with squealing added for no real reason. Im just that excited. Ya want to know why? Everything is getting there. The shouse. The shop. It's all coming together, although I'm so flippn stressed that I'm not going to get everything done!

Okay first up the shop. Finally the clean up in readiness for the painters to start and floor coverings to happen. I have got heaps unpacked and next week I will have the front of house complete set up! It's looking great. I find myself smiling at it. New products are being ordered and organised. It's killing me not to share what we are doing with everyone. 

Next up the shouse. We have a kitchen, 80% of the walls, plumbing, power and the list could keep going on. It's looking amazing and finally I feel like the finish line is in sight. Finally we are getting up to jobs I an help out more with. I'm so proud of Marty for all his hard work and thankful to my Dad and Mum for helping.  

What more could a girl want. I'm not after diamonds or gold, I just am happy to have a simple home with the ones I love. I'm happy and I can't seem to hide it.

Spring has sprung

Wow its September! Already i hear you say, but its spring YAY! This is the time of year where new growth happens so quietly. Trees blossom and flowers bud. Babies seem to appear in paddocks and lovers are tying themselves to each other for life in marriage. Spring is a beautiful time where life wakes up again from its winter sleep. I love it unless you haven't already guessed. Things for us seem to have woken up and are going full steam ahead with growth. I won't lie its very stressful with both the house and the shop moving toward the finish line at the exact same time but I'm determined. Which Marty fines really annoying because I'm riding him constantly about getting everything done which is hard!

Everything is just so time consuming that it feels like things are not moving faster enough and yet they are but we as humans don't seem to think its enough. Marty is doing a great job, i just wish i could do more to help him more. When we list whats left to do its not that much but the days just keep getting away from us and life sometimes gets in the way.

I have to keep telling myself that things are happening and we are moving forward. It will all get finished and we will then have:

1. A house to live in
2. A business that will provide us with a income to live on

In saying that we are in Sydney this weekend, not working on anything, which is hard as its lost time but we have done lots for the shop fit out, so its not like we haven't done what we need to do. And you know what its balance. We are spending time with people that matter and that's important to. Even in our rush to get everything done you have to stop and remember to not let life get in the way with spending time taking a time out. So for the rest of this weekend we will spend time with family and friends. Relaxing and laughing and eating. Eating always seems to happen to the point i feel like a bloated mule, which was my feeling of lasts nights outing to the best Italian i know. It was so good and i was so full i couldn't do dessert. Which for my close friend know that doesn't happen, there is always room for dessert.

So as i finally finish this, sitting in my quiet mother in laws house, where at 8am no one is awake bar me and the animals. I'm just going to spend the rest of this month trying to go with the flow and also work as hard as i humanly can. Which i totally know is a contradiction but that's me. try for mellow but always end up crazy!

A parents tale in a frozen setting

The feel of my kids hands is the softess thing I have every felt. I find myself while holding their hands rubbing their palms. It's something that they must notice cause occasionally they do it back to me if I haven't done it. As a mum it's one thing I do and have never really thought of why!

Today we got to experience something completely new for the girls and I, SNOW! It was truly beautiful. The sight is one that is not easily relayed. It's hard to do the scene  of how it looks even in a picture. It's white, fluffy, cold but not at the same time. It seems to just be! 

The girls faces the first moment they seen it from the car were priceless and hard not to get caught up in the awe if it. The girls once we parked ran to the first bit they could see and rolled! Had snow fights and giggled non stop. 

They went on tub rides, taboggans and skied! I watch in awe how fearless they were and how they picked it up so easily. I'm not going to say the day was without whinging, cause it wasn't. My family all ended up with colds and coughs. So when the Panadol ran out y'know the girls would just deflat and whinge. 

The whinging was really minimal compared to the rest of the day. My girls had a day they will remember. An experience that I kind of got the same view of, considering I'm 34 and this was my first experience with snow! 

A snowman was made with many renditions of "do you want to build a snowman?"  It's not as easy as you would think. Snow is a lot harder to moluld than it looks. Olaf was pretty cute though and the kids all helped to make it which was uber cute. 

Seeing Marty. I'm sure seeing his girls experience something he grew up with everyday made me smile. Watching him take them down the taboggans. Smiling at them while they learnt to ski and having the proudest grin in his face as they succeeded was gorgeous. He made my heart expand today by the pride I seen in him.  

I'm sure my girls day was up there for them. It was up there for me. So as we travelled home. My but is sore and the girls are tired, today rocked for more than one reason. Colds, coughs and all. The snow was freaking awesome. 

A rabbit hole has taken another

This week has been sad. Sad of the loss of Robin Williams. He was a funny man. A smiling man and a famous man. His demons were obviously bigger than his humour and his fame. His rabbit hole was deep and he fell! Fell all the way to the bottom and decided to stay there as his choice to exist the rabbit hole. His strength had all left him and his fight for freedom had been lost. His choice was hard. Harder than most realise. 

Suicide is a hard choice. It to an outsider seems like a way out. An easy choice and very selfish. Once upon a time I would have thought the same. Would have judged them harshly for doing such a thing. 

Not now!

Not ever again!

Now my heart breaks to know how hard that choice would have been and how helpless they would have felt to get to that moment. How strong one must be to resound your self to following through with it. How when your in that head space, you just want the pain to be taken away.

I almost followed through with Robins same decision. I just wanted to never hurt again. To never feel the pain of this monster. For the monster to win and take me away. Away from the negative and be free from hurting anyone else. When your in that moment, you blame yourself, you blame only yourself!

I remember every cut! Every cut made the pain inside ease. It's weird to say that out load but it did. 

My luck was that my love found me and made me realise my pain can be his pain. That my heart he could heal through his strength. He would help me climb out of the rabbit hole. I was lucky to have him! Not everyone is this lucky or feels they can share the load of the pain of depression. 

One lesson I learnt probably the same day I tried to end my life. That some people in your life are not good for you. Some don't belong there and some are just nasty souls that are not able to care about another's pain. From that day I shared my inner workings of my head.  Yes it was hard and yes I honestly worried that many others would be like this nasty soul. Yet I shared and it helped. 

Saying that your messed up and not perfect is healthy. Healthy to make people know I'm not perfect. That my mind needed work. It needed a helping hand. I want people to talk. Tell each other how you are. Be honest. We all are better if we work as one and stop hiding in the bushes as such. 

I wish Robin could have had someone help take part of his pain away. Had helped him make his way out and be well. I wish he could have talked freely about his demons to his people. Sharing his mess without judgement. Seriously it's not that much to expect these days. May his death make way for others to share their pain. 

RIP funny man!

What to write when you just can't

The last few weeks have flown. The shouse is moving along at such a pace Marty is saying 4 weeks and we will be in. The business stuff isn't as quick but we have a plan, the council have given us the green light but we have to wait on the building owners to get back to us. That part is frustrating cause I want to share it all with everyone, even down to the name change!

My blogging has taken a seat at the back of the bus in all of this and even though lots is happening the mojo to write has been evading me. I'm exhausted I think. I have been going to the gym everyday and then we head straight to the block after that. By the time i sit down at night my brain has already checked out and I'm left on auto pilot until I recharge over night. 

So my thought was to get in before it left to just share my life as it stands at the moment. So much is happening but it's not flying by unnoticed. A major thing that has happened is the happy pills are no more. I am totally off my antidepressants! 

This to most is not story worthy but I think it is something of worth  as it has been my journey for the last 18 months. I'm pleased to say I have made it out of the rabbit hole and am extremely happy with myself and I can only attribute this to my beautiful family and amazing friends. 

Emerson has finally learnt how to do her hair up in an elastic! This is huge, Em hates learning anything that will mean she will have to do it herself! So proud of her small changes. The girls are catching the bus after school to the block which makes me smile to see them comfortable enough to so it, since Maya was adamant that she wasn't catching it. Amelia is maturing and allow her mouth gets the better of her, she is finally taking responsibility for her things. Praise The Lord! George is our quiet achiever, always happy and always works hard at school. The girls are doing great. 

So this was me just checking in and saying I'm doing great. Things are all working out and life is making me smile. Once my exhaustation settles down and with this the mojo comes back I'm sure my blogging will be a little more regular. Until then it's just a bit at a time :)