just a touch of cancer

My want to write, download, share and vent has been at its maximum lately. Yet it feels weird, like a friend I have fallen out of touch with. I love writing and have even started the book I have talked about doing, but my blog has been a little neglected. I think I just start to doubt why I share and why anyone would want to read about it? The thing is about blogging it’s more for the writer than the reader. It’s an outlet to share and in doing so gives others a chance to understand another’s inner workings. 

The last seven months have pasted by with almost a dark cloud hanging over our family. The big C entered our family with my strong mum being diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. Our family structure has changed greatly. I stopped working, Marty changed jobs to allow this, dinners are cooked for 8 and endless trips to the doctors and hospitals. In all this my mum has never not  been positive. 

I have struggled with the positive thinking, I’ll admit.   Tears a plenty have been shed, screaming inside my car when no one was around and sleepless nights caused from a mind that couldn’t stop thinking. Then something small like the sight of a full moon in a sky full of stars or the arms of your child wrapping around you bring you back to what’s great and real in this life. 

With this positivity Ive gained perspective on everything. Life is not a given right, time is not endless and getting caught up in things your can’t change only gives you stress. Mum has just a touch of cancer and we will help her fight as long as she can to beat this horrible monster. 

20 years

Last night was my 20 year high school reunion. I mean 20 years has past since high school. To say I feel freaking old is an understatement, it feels like only yesterday. As the date approached my anxiety grew, bad memories of high school plagued me. Dreams of turning up and no one recognises you, No one talks to you or even worse! I know right, crazy thoughts but high school was a tough place where even when on the outside you seem to have your shit together inside you were still small and insecure. 

So last night happened and wow, it was great! I recognised 99% of people and everyone was beautiful. No one has really changed physically but we are all adults now and amazingly human! We all laughed and talked about life. There was no pissing competitions about “how great my life is” or “I’m better than you” going on. 

I may have fan girled over one of my school friends working on a tv channel that I absolutely love, sorry Gill! This reunion is one reason why social media is great, I feel like I knew so much about everyone. It made conversations easy as we although not close in real life, are still relevant in each other’s lives, no matter what paths our lives have taken. 

Last night was proof we all grow and evolve. That who we were in high school does not define our lives and that once you get to our stages in life we can all find common ground on bad parenting, work and love. See you all soon x

slept it off

I sit here in the passenger seat of the car as smells like teen spirit plays around me because my teenage daughter has been imprinted with our music. I'm reflecting on the last twenty four hours and wondering what the fuck happened. 

Work was crazy yesterday filled with drama which thankfully was nothing to do with me. I got home crazy tired as usual for a Friday, with packing for the snow to be done. This is where the day went completely south! My girls had packed there bags and I seconded guessed them being pack properly for cold conditions. My thoughts were confirmed when I find minimal clothes in one bag, summer outfits in another and dirty socks with umteen jackets in the third bag! My sense of control was lost and the yelling began over what the hell were they thinking. 

Then the guilt came as an aftermath. I had screamed like a lunatic, maybe even dropped the F bomb which I am not proud of. Tears streamed down my face as I hide in my bathroom trying to figure out how other mothers do it. How do they be everything to everyone? How do they never loose their crap? How they juggle work, family and the house and still have time for themselves? 

The girls, like most kids I imagine, were sorry but didn't really understand why mummy was not happy. They went to bed all still saying I love you and I went to bed feeling like to worst mummy ever. Sleep came to me with some strange dreams which I expected. We awake to head to the snow and the girls act as though nothing has occurred only 12 hours earlier. They laugh and giggle and snuggle into us when they get up. 

My heart is happy they seem to still love me but my head struggles trying to work out how to fix my short comings. But how? I'm human and kids/parenting doesn't come with a handbook. So as I sit here and turn and look at my girls all reading or singing I know that sleeping on it and letting go is how you have to handle the guilt of not being amazing all the time. Next stop snow fields. 

Its time

Hello old friend. A friend I haven't seen or talked to in a long while. I have missed you so much but every time I would want to check in with you my voice would seem to fade. Almost become mute to share anything about me. Unable to reach out and say hello. Our friendship has been on rocky terrain and it had nothing to do with you it was all me! Ever since we became friends at one of my darkest moments, my voice got tired. Tired of sharing my one sided story. I started to feel very exposed in this place.

My friendship with my blog has been at almost a Mexican stand off. I would start to write and then stop for a silly fear of why should I share. I love writing, it was something I never enjoyed in my teen years. In the last few weeks my need to be friends again and write about my about my life, my internal ramblings and just plain shitfull parenting has been almost screaming at me. 

Our girls are all growing and changing now at a rapid pace. Life's lessons are starting to happen and teaching them how to handle really hard and sometimes hurtful situations are seeming the norm at the moment. I seriously after dealing with two things tonight, looked at the dog and thought we should have just had dogs. 

Being a parent is like trying to navigate a foreign planets terrain with no map. The girls issues are so very real to them and if we handle them wrong it may affect their life choices. Their hearts are starting to learn that not everyone is who they seem to be, not everyone is nice and most importantly not everyone will like them. This last point I think hurts them the most as they just want to be friends with everyone. 

I know that last point has plagued my life. I struggle still not understanding someone hating another without truly knowing that person. Anyway, working 40+ hours a week, juggling a house still under construction, 4 girls full of emotion and still finding time to love on my man candy feels more like a game of dodge ball than gracefull juggling. 

Talk again soon....

The art of the invisible 

In life events and circumstances happen I believe that define, change and make us who we are. They help us grow and change, which means our lives grow richer, happier and fuller. At the moment I'm watching someone at the moment let certain events define how they handle a relationship in their life in almost a negative way. 

I am seeing this person let a person they love very much treat them as almost invisible. Treat them with little respect, love and be almost nasty toward anything they hold dear. This event although significant and I can totally understand their reasoning for not rocking the boat, is actually creating a bigger divide then saying something would. 

This person is beautiful, genuine and loving yet they seem to fail to receive the love they desire from the person they need it from the most. It's hard watching this and hearing how they feel. Invisibility really is a nasty bitch. 

I know there is no easy fixes in life. I know that sometimes saying nothing is easier than opening a can of worms. I know that being invisible sucks hairy nuts. Yet this is what is to be faced and what life has set in front of you, me and everyone else. 

No one should ever hide who they are and how they feel. No one should be scared of the past affecting the future and no one should ever be invisible to the people who are meant to love them no questions asked. 

Hello stranger

It's been a seriously long time between drinks for myself and my blog. I battle a lot with the want to share my inner thoughts yet not wanting to at the same time. It's seriously a battle that over time has seen me share less and less. Yet today I feel the need to purge my inner monologue, for it is overflowing and begging to escape. 

Back in December my world started to implode. I let my one major weakness consume me until my head and what felt like my heart shattered into a million pieces. My fear has always been that Marty would one day wake up and realise he could do so much better. I know it's insane the man loves me more than is humanly possible, but I got a bee in my bonnet about it and let it consume me. 

When I fell back down into the rabbit hole of depression, you see the world differently, you see yourself differently and you think anyone who is in your life wants nothing to do with you. Crazy right? But the funny thing is I was crazy, depression and everything was just black. 

Once I hit the bottom I have worked very hard to get back to my normal self. Once I started medication, stopped listening to my inner chatter and started believing in the love that was around me, life got back on track. My heart has become whole again and my trust in what's in front of me is 100%. 

So today I felt like I needed to purge my happiness. I mean, life isn't always roses. It's real, it has ups and downs but the love I have in my life is freaking awesome.   

The only way I know how...

My heart breaks for your pain and I'm lost as to how to convey the strength I know a friend should have and be. Your hearts are breaking for the hole your poppabear has left from his fast disappearance. Poppabear's are a families protector and backbone and without them we feel lost in this big bad world. 

The shock of this will never makes sense and the anger of not being able to say goodbye will never go away. The only way I helped Marty through the same loss was to remind him of the good things his poppabear did for him. Remind him he is who he is because of some of his influence. The same goes for you. You are a truly beautiful and humble person and he helped create you. 

So the way I can remind you is your poppabear loved you more than you will ever know. I know this because we now, as parents know how much we love our kids. Your poppabear although not on this earth anymore, will always be with you all. He lives in everyone he leaves behind in your memories, your hearts and souls.  

As your friend I will always be here for you, no matter the great highs or the extremely tough lows. Your friend right till the end...