A final goodbye to grandad bear

Today we said a final goodbye to grandad bear. We scattered his ashes along the river Trent. It was something I had never taken part in but was very humbling. A fish even jumped out of the water next to us as we're doing it. The girls found this hard as it was like going through the funeral all over again. It was hard to see their pain again and it was hard to settle them. It crushed Marty all over again to go through it to. 

Watching a man in pain is for me one of the hardest thing to do. My children I know a cuddle and a kiss will settle them but a man is different. It's a complex emotion that is not always shown and very rarely shared. It breaks my heart to see him in pain. 

Marty lives with the guilt of not being able to say goodbye. Of not being able to say sorry for the argument that caused 9 months of silence between us all. I live with it to, I mean I was the one who was having a mental break down and said nothing for a very long time. Yet this is also what we have to learn to deal with. Nothing can be undone and time can't be rewritten. So we have to find a way to move forward. 

Marty was very upset by today but also found closure in it aswell. He said goodbye and he also made a pack with himself. To be open and honest about his love for his children and to be the man he knows his dad would be proud of. 

Poppa bears heart will always hold the scare of his loss. This scare also helps him remember how he wants to be for his babies and me. We love him with all that we have and he never not tells us his feelings for us. Poppa bear is our strength more than he realises.