How to admit...

I have seriously written six different posts in the last 9 weeks. Trying to come to terms with my life and how I am not ok. I have written, deleted, edited and then just left them there. In the drafts folder, not seeing the light of day. It's really ironic as that's how I have been about my depression. Wanting to share with my closest humans but just feeling like the biggest failure for ending back in this place. It was easier in my head, it was safe to hide until the medication made it hard to pretend. 

Pretend I was normal and life was dandy! Ha!! The first doctor gave me meds that made me sleep at night and not much else during my days. It wasn't seeming to do anything. I go back and say this and he gives me a new script and this is where things go south quickly. It knocks me out. Not just at night but for a practical 22 hours of the day. 

I say practical cause who needs to be awake ever? As far as the first doctor and then the second doctor whom I pleaded with didn't seem to think it was bad. The drugs made me feel out of it all the time and my want to self harm was crazy and that is not me. It scared me so much and I felt like my brain was disappearing quicker than I could save her. I left the room of this doctor as I couldn't believe she thought letting me ride out another 4-6weeks of these side effects was good for me, my family or anyone else around me. 

My world felt like it was imploding, my poor mum was witness to my very public melt down. I mean ugly crying ain't got anything on what crap was happening to me. Perfect strangers stared, mum was hearing my most honest thoughts for the first time and anyone who's knows me will know public emotion is a no go, nup, it's a 100% not happening because someone might see my flaws. 

My mum, my hero walked straight back in the doctors office and demanded I see my doctor who has a minimum six week waiting list, NOW! God love her she managed to make it happen and I just knew, finally I would see someone who will listen to me. Hear my flaws without judgement and be on my side! He changed my meds because he knows me and what I was telling him about the here and now was not my normal self. 

Now, the fog is starting to lift. My smiles are becoming real, my eyes aren't dark and sunken and I can talk. I'm still not reaching out to many people, that will happen with time (if your my friend and I haven't contacted you for awhile, be patient).  I'm being realistic about what I'm going through, where my heads at and how I'm going to get better sooner rather than later. 

I feel like I have half the tools to mend the ladder that will enable me to climb out of the rabbit hole that is depression. I have the motivation of my amazing family to heal my soul. I will be the friend I once was again to the people I have in my life. 

This is me Bx admitting I'm a little broken but I am still me deep down.