My mini me turns 9!

Amelia or better known as 'Mills' is our second child and also by proxy our middle child. She is super quirky, loud, sensitive and above all else is loved more than life itself. Tomorrow is her birthday. She is only one year off double digits and still she is so very innocent. Except maybe for when she is checking out good looking boys. 

Mills is always the last ready anytime of the day. She is the child that will be dancing while everyone else sits quietly. She sings a lot and actually has a good voice. She collects every little tricket she finds no matter if it really is rubbish. Mills is unique. 

Mills seems to grow almost unnoticed and yet she is never forgotten. 

When asked what she wanted to do for her birthday she replied with "I want you, dad and my sisters to go to the rifle range". She is the son Marty never got and the boy I always wanted. She is super girly and yet happy to shoot rabbits with Marty. 

When I look at mills I still see the beautiful dark haired baby with the most amazing coloured eyes I have every seen. They change from green to hazel and have the deepest dusty blue ring around them. 

I know as mills grows and changes she will become a stunning lady, who i have no doubts will own a gun and a ute and drive it in heals!

 Happy birthday moocher!

Step away from that phone....

Of late our family dynamic is slipping. Conversation is minimal, iPads, iPods, iPhones and big TV is raining supreme! We sit all in the one room not talking, not interacting. ITS SAD! Today was a scream fest to beat down all the others. The morning consisted of kids not focusing, not listening and generally just being lazy kids. I'm sure as they walked into school well after the morning bell that they hated me just a little. 

I felt gutted. I arrived back at work and walked straight to the toilet and burst into  tears. I hate yelling all the time. I hate having to be the bad guy all the time! I down right hate it. I almost made a silent promise of change there and then. Once Marty and I had spoken for almost 40 minutes about the problems we were having as a unit. 

A decision was made to switch off Facebook. I am choosing them over a screen. I'm listening to there stories and not reading others. I am choosing to be a better parent at the sacrifice of the outside world. The TV does not go on until 7pm. Electronics are limited to only a half an hour of the day and we will know what the kids are up to everyday. Although I will miss reading everyone's stories and getting giggles knowing how others feel when out parenting fails us. I know it is the best for us right know. 

We also made a promise to finish the shouse as quickly as we can once the June long weekend is out of the way. The kids need space to run, we also need space to from work and space to breath again. I miss my garden. I miss seeing my girls play while Marty cooks dinner and I hang washing out.  I just miss normality. 

Bx

A whole year has gone

Yesterday was Mother's Day. A day I love, a day that I think I like more than my birthday, for one fact you don't age on Mother's Day. This special day was always my favourite until last year it became the worst day of my life to date. I had fallen off a cliff and there was no way I was climbing back up until I hit the bottom. My mental health was in the toilet and all that was left of me was an empty shell. It was terrible. 

The year has been a roller coaster, with plenty of ups and downs. I have learnt huge lessons and lost many so called friends. I have grown and changed and for lack of better wording I have found the true me. The me that doesn't take crap. The me that stands up for my self and the ones I love. The me that will never play games to stay friends with anyone. 

That petty talking behind peoples back is something I just will not be involved in. People are all different and unless I was perfect, who am I to judge. I have enjoyed over the last twelve months of not having to juggle friends. I don't have a friend I call every other day. I just don't want to be that needy with anyone ever! 

The people that have touch my soul over the last twelve months will remain there forever. I don't believe I need to list them as I know they will know. I am truly thankful to all of them, as this Mother's Day I was a completely different Bx than last year. I was happy, healthy, strong and   True. 

So with that said it brings me back to yesterday. I was treated to special poems and specially picked gifts by the girls. We cuddled in our bed with the girls until the time to get up and go to work invaded this lovely moment. Once work finished Marty had organised a feast at the block, which was just plan beautiful. I had no idea who was coming and was so blown away with the effort Marty had gone to to make the day so very different from the last. 

Twelve months can make a world of difference sometimes. 

A letter to Miss Maya

Dear Maya,

11 years ago tomorrow you made your entrance into the world. It was one of the best days of my life. A day where I became a mother to a beautiful little girl.  You were perfect, with deep blue eyes, dark head of crazy hair, ten fingers and ten toes to complete the package. Your dad cried the first time he held you. Tears streamed down his face at the realisation you were a little lady and not a little boy as we had thought you were going to be. 

Our life from that day has never been the same and has been so much fuller for the fact your in it. When we brought you home, we had no idea what we were doing. We learnt as we went along. Always stumbling at the obsticales you would present, but we got through them. I think all three of us were learning from each other. You were a happy baby but would not like to sleep much through the day, which to be honest was our lack of knowledge in baby raising department. The first year sailed by with so many milestones. 

When you were two we brought home a little sister for you. You would kiss Amelia all day long if we let you. I think you loved her as much as we did. She was your shadow and to this day still looks up to you for everything. Not to far after Amelia, we brought home two more baby sisters, which made life very crazy for a few years. You were only three and a half but I remember looking at you thinking how grown up you were for your age. How you always helped mummy. 

Today as I looked at you in your last day of being ten, I am reminded that everyday with you is still us learning. You will always be the one we make mistakes with and try to do what's best, we think anyway. Your so close to being a young lady, that it does quite frankly scare us to bits. We just don't want to stuff up!

I know as you head into lady land, you will become all that is possible and be the person we will always be proud of and love unconditionally. 

I love you more than is humanly possible and more than the stars in the sky. 

Love always

Mum xxx

A bone i have found,

Yesterday i took the girls to the movies, this is a big day. 300km round trip to sit and watch a movie. This was the least we could give the girls after such a crappy holidays. With moving, Dad's operation and a very busy shop with no chance to take a day off, we felt we owed them. So we set off early in the morning, the girls were singing and dancing the whole way over. Even the car got a little bit of love as we detoured through the car wash.

We arrive at the cinemas to see 'The Lego Movie'. Can't say I was jumping at joy to watch it but the girls were keen. The movie was as I thought, bad, and I like kids movies, but this was just plain bad! I however never told the kids I thought this as they all loved it and as it is similar to mine craft could find no fault in it. 

We then hit the shops, we went to Kmart, which I admit I have not been in one for over 8 years! It is actually really cheap, which meant we spent up a little. The girls were all chuffed with their stuff and I just had to pay for it hehe. 

With all that shopping done we needed a food stop, so we found a little cafe and headed for the booth seats. The girls were all a little over excited about what food to choose that the man sitting beside us went unnoticed until my wild mills climbed through the booth side and bumped his table by accident. I was mortified by what she had done but nothing prepared me for what this man did. 

He verbally abused her with no regard for me standing there. Then swore loud enough for us all to hear. That's when I seen red. I said to him, did you just swear at a child. He couldn't look at me. He had nothing. So I dropped to his level and told him where to go. It shocked me on a few levels that I did this. One i don't do confrontation and the other reason is that i had no Male with me for any sort of protection and yet i did it. I seriously had an outer body experience when it happened. I believe i had no idea who this person was?

I'm in no way condoning this behaviour. I'm not known for aggression and not in my nature to want to fight. All i can put all this new strength down to is finally learning my worth. Finally making it to the top of the rabbit hole and i will never let anyone ever make me or anyone that means the most to me feel anything but the best about them selves. I am finding i really like this new me. She is completely honest, she hates negative that breeds in gossip and she will not buy into two faced people and will never be someones batting ram for all the money in the world.

Growing this back bone, hurt, really really hurt.  The pain although it did break me several times, was worth it. I will never forget the pain, for it is the constant reminder that this new bone will remain for the rest of my days.

A heart holds a home

My blogging has been a bit of a not
happening of late. So much has been happening, yet I have not had time to document it. It has been so crazy that I really don't think I myself have caught up to what's happening. A deep breath I took and sleep was so needed that I never woke today until almost noon! So now let me elaborate on life as we now know it. 

A few weeks ago we agreed to rent our family home out to a family I can only describe as beautiful, strong and a kin spirit in so many ways. People that see beauty in love not wealth. Where I know my house will be made a home by them. Love will still live there and the four walls that will surround them will be the sanctuary through good times and the bad. 

Today saw us finish off the cleaning of moving and seen me say thank you to a place that brought us so much happiness  and good bye to that chapter of my heart. I'm truly a very centimental person, I remember moments so clearly that it's like living them over. My soul once attached can not let go as much as I try, but good bye I said. 

This week on top of moving, my loveable dad went to Sydney to have open heart surgery. It was such a time stood still moment that I don't think life started again until word was heard on Good Friday that the surgery went well. It was a hard thing to watch as I could feel the worry coming from Marty after only a short time ago losing his dad from the same disease. 

This weekend also held the picnic races. It was a day of strength and fun. A day where wining a race was second to wining the battle of my head. I faced demons and you know what. I wasn't scared. I couldn't have cared how many eyes I faced, they meant nothing to me anymore. I have finally found the strength that was hidden deep beneath the crap of sorrow. The races were awesome. 

Sleep was not a priority, nor a stable diet this last week. Stress rained supreme.  Marty and I hardly cuddled let alone a kiss. We had been so overwhelmed we just seemed to exist this week. This was the icing on the cake. Once the dust settled I spotted my everything and this lead me home. 

I feel like today a new chapter is starting. One where we look after ourselves and each other. The shouse will be complete and this Christmas will be a complete block one. Our hearts will have a new home and new memories will be made. The strength will be on top and sorrow will remain in the past. 

Rolls we play

Today I had a day for me. Me, glorious me. I laughed, laughed more and yes, laugh some more and more. I looked in shops, sometimes just browsing in my own happy place. It was Devine. It felt good and then my roll changed. I become the one of comfort and reassurance. I was the strong one. 

Doubt has spread it's wings and claimed another victim. I seriously hate this doubt business. I have lived with this special creature and knows how it spreads like a virus and no antibiotics will help. So the question is how do you reassure someone, when the seed is living in you too. 

It takes very little for me to doubt myself, my actions, the people around me, blah, blah, blah! So how do you know what doubt is valid. Whether doubt is true. Whether your prepared for an unwanted answer, I just don't know. 

All I know is when I see doubt spread I second guess my path, where I'm heading and what to do. All or nothing, as doubt lives in between.