Its time

Hello old friend. A friend I haven't seen or talked to in a long while. I have missed you so much but every time I would want to check in with you my voice would seem to fade. Almost become mute to share anything about me. Unable to reach out and say hello. Our friendship has been on rocky terrain and it had nothing to do with you it was all me! Ever since we became friends at one of my darkest moments, my voice got tired. Tired of sharing my one sided story. I started to feel very exposed in this place.

My friendship with my blog has been at almost a Mexican stand off. I would start to write and then stop for a silly fear of why should I share. I love writing, it was something I never enjoyed in my teen years. In the last few weeks my need to be friends again and write about my about my life, my internal ramblings and just plain shitfull parenting has been almost screaming at me. 

Our girls are all growing and changing now at a rapid pace. Life's lessons are starting to happen and teaching them how to handle really hard and sometimes hurtful situations are seeming the norm at the moment. I seriously after dealing with two things tonight, looked at the dog and thought we should have just had dogs. 

Being a parent is like trying to navigate a foreign planets terrain with no map. The girls issues are so very real to them and if we handle them wrong it may affect their life choices. Their hearts are starting to learn that not everyone is who they seem to be, not everyone is nice and most importantly not everyone will like them. This last point I think hurts them the most as they just want to be friends with everyone. 

I know that last point has plagued my life. I struggle still not understanding someone hating another without truly knowing that person. Anyway, working 40+ hours a week, juggling a house still under construction, 4 girls full of emotion and still finding time to love on my man candy feels more like a game of dodge ball than gracefull juggling. 

Talk again soon....

The art of the invisible 

In life events and circumstances happen I believe that define, change and make us who we are. They help us grow and change, which means our lives grow richer, happier and fuller. At the moment I'm watching someone at the moment let certain events define how they handle a relationship in their life in almost a negative way. 

I am seeing this person let a person they love very much treat them as almost invisible. Treat them with little respect, love and be almost nasty toward anything they hold dear. This event although significant and I can totally understand their reasoning for not rocking the boat, is actually creating a bigger divide then saying something would. 

This person is beautiful, genuine and loving yet they seem to fail to receive the love they desire from the person they need it from the most. It's hard watching this and hearing how they feel. Invisibility really is a nasty bitch. 

I know there is no easy fixes in life. I know that sometimes saying nothing is easier than opening a can of worms. I know that being invisible sucks hairy nuts. Yet this is what is to be faced and what life has set in front of you, me and everyone else. 

No one should ever hide who they are and how they feel. No one should be scared of the past affecting the future and no one should ever be invisible to the people who are meant to love them no questions asked. 

Hello stranger

It's been a seriously long time between drinks for myself and my blog. I battle a lot with the want to share my inner thoughts yet not wanting to at the same time. It's seriously a battle that over time has seen me share less and less. Yet today I feel the need to purge my inner monologue, for it is overflowing and begging to escape. 

Back in December my world started to implode. I let my one major weakness consume me until my head and what felt like my heart shattered into a million pieces. My fear has always been that Marty would one day wake up and realise he could do so much better. I know it's insane the man loves me more than is humanly possible, but I got a bee in my bonnet about it and let it consume me. 

When I fell back down into the rabbit hole of depression, you see the world differently, you see yourself differently and you think anyone who is in your life wants nothing to do with you. Crazy right? But the funny thing is I was crazy, depression and everything was just black. 

Once I hit the bottom I have worked very hard to get back to my normal self. Once I started medication, stopped listening to my inner chatter and started believing in the love that was around me, life got back on track. My heart has become whole again and my trust in what's in front of me is 100%. 

So today I felt like I needed to purge my happiness. I mean, life isn't always roses. It's real, it has ups and downs but the love I have in my life is freaking awesome.   

The only way I know how...

My heart breaks for your pain and I'm lost as to how to convey the strength I know a friend should have and be. Your hearts are breaking for the hole your poppabear has left from his fast disappearance. Poppabear's are a families protector and backbone and without them we feel lost in this big bad world. 

The shock of this will never makes sense and the anger of not being able to say goodbye will never go away. The only way I helped Marty through the same loss was to remind him of the good things his poppabear did for him. Remind him he is who he is because of some of his influence. The same goes for you. You are a truly beautiful and humble person and he helped create you. 

So the way I can remind you is your poppabear loved you more than you will ever know. I know this because we now, as parents know how much we love our kids. Your poppabear although not on this earth anymore, will always be with you all. He lives in everyone he leaves behind in your memories, your hearts and souls.  

As your friend I will always be here for you, no matter the great highs or the extremely tough lows. Your friend right till the end...

Raising girls

 I tend to never buy into the argument over what sex is easier to raise verse the other. How can I? I don't know any different, we were just blessed with four absolutely beautiful, head strong, blonde girls. Anyway, if I'm being truly honest raising CHILDREN, no matter what the sex is just hard. I say hard only because of how scared you are as a parent to fail. To do the wrong thing by these innocent minded young humans that can so easily be Moulded the wrong way. 

Marty and I have butted head a few times lately over the girls. When I say butted, this happens when we feel the other parent is needing some guidance with how to handle the situation. In the moment it seems like the other parent is critising but it's not. Marty and I are a team and you seriously have to work together. My aim is for us to be on the same page. 

I know there is a lot of single parents out there that don't get to bounce parenting ideas off of another person, have someone to tell you are doing a great job or even help to find your way back into the parenting path when it gets hard. I salute you, because your job is harder than mine. 

So at the moment we are again heading into unknown waters with the little ladies. They are almost young adults. Their needs are changing along with the moods. You know we all feel like parenting is hard in the moments we are living. I remember thinking when they were babies if the routine got messed up we were screwed, but we got through it. I remember how hard dinner (zoo hour) time was until it just wasn't a problem anymore. I know we will adjust to these changes and parenting although seems hard now, it will be easy compared to the next challenge. 

From one parent trying to raise great humans to another, I just want to say this job of ours is the hardest we will ever know and yet has the best perks and job satisfaction of any other. Raising humans!

What? Monday again!

I don't know about any of my other parent friends but Monday mornings in our house always just seem crap! It's funny how Monday-itis isn't just for adults. Kids seem to get it too, which is all good and well unless your the one having to keep them going so they can get out the door in time. So my morning went a little like this.....

6.25am Marty's alarm goes, which he snoozes on. 6.30am my alarm starts with a P!nk song on the radio playing in which I think I'm dreaming about until I finally come to. I switch it off only to face plant my pillow again. I lay there not quite awake until my pea size bladder screams at me to get up. Marty has a cuppa tea ready for me as he walks around waking the girls. The three little ones come down stairs one after the other. Hair disheveled and sleep still clinging to their eyes. 

The biggest girl is yet to surface. After 30 minutes of calling her name, I walk in and strip her of her Doona and sheet. I get a mouthful in a language that is from another planet. She finally gets up, complaining about her new school skirt being to puffy, like I can make her more curving with a twist of my wrist! She then grabs an up'n'go and walks out onto the deck. 

All the while the three little ones finish breakfast and get dressed. Amelia comes down in shorts which I say go and change and put your skort on. She argues, I yell, she yells, I yell some more she then says fine and storms off. I'm calling maya to come back inside or she will be late. Mills comes down after 10 minutes in a skirt, I say how will you do cricket practice in a skirt, she goes and changes again this time into a skort. Call Maya again. Put Georgia's hair in a ponytail. 

All the while I'm walking around tidying up so I can clean etc on my day off. I need to use the toilet, 2 kids want their hairs done. I say 'go do another job while I go to the bathroom'. Not even 5 minutes later I find Maya still out on the deck and now mills is swinging in the hammock. 

Wtf! I yell at both of them now, in my crazy mummy is losing her ever loving shit voice.  I address Amelia first who confirms she was not doing what she was told, I tell her to go pack her lunch. Onto Maya about her slowness and mills walks into Maya's room. Ok! Why are you in here mills? She replies, no lie 'I just wanted to look at Maya's desk'. Again WTF!!!

By this time we have 15minutes before the bus comes and only two kids have gotten ready. Oh and while all this stuff is happening, Miss Emerson insists on taking her guitar to school for show and tell. So it needs dusting off. Then she pipes up and says 'can you just tune it for me?'. Man I should have more grey hairs. 

I get them to the bus stop with a couple of minutes to spare. They all get kissed and told to have a great day. I love them terribly but Monday's suck hairy nuts.

 

From stepford wife and beyond....

Where do you rate yourself as a parent? How do you stack up amongst the stepford wives of your domaine? You know I used to worry about what other mothers thought of my parenting. I even tried to be like others. 

You know - label everything with little johnnies name, clothes were always clean and surely should be a brand better than target. Their bedrooms had to look a certain way. My house had to be cleaned within an inch of its life because at any moment a visitor would be a knocking. God forbid they see a few crumbs on the floor from lunch or toys everywhere. And above all else don't ever admit to not coping. That is blasphemy!!!!

It's safe to say I no longer live like this. Trying to keep up appearances is hard work and seriously no fun. My house now gets messy and if I don't want to tidy up, it's just that I could not be bothered. Some times I just don't wash up after dinner and seriously the world does not implode! 

I still love a clean house, don't mistake this as an admission that we now live like pigs. We just are real and a lot less stressed. It is handy the girls are older and take care of their things and tidy up after themselves (when asked).

 My parenting has changed too. I'm honest about my ups and downs. I don't think less or more of other parents because we all get this job with no previous training and learn as we go. I've learnt to be kinder to myself when I get cranky and yell. Im trying to raise 4 girls into women who should be respectful to them selves and others always. 

I sometimes fail at this parenting stuff. I question if the girls even like me let alone love me. Sometimes I have huge wins and feel like "I so have this stuff down" All in all this is a on the job learning experience that is not ever going to mirror another parents.