Cowardly lion

Courage.... It's something we all have but under rate as most of us never think of it being an issue in our day to day lives. This was me up until a month ago. I didn't lack confidence to do anything least of all normal day to day things, but now as embarrassing as it is to admit, I'm scared!
Scared to do so many things.

My courage has been crushed. I have let this happen to me by not standing tall on what i am and what i have put out there. Even though I do blame it on specific events, ultimately I'm the one letting me be like this. My lack of courage has made me a prisoner in my mind, prisoner in my workplace and a prisoner in my own town. It scares me to go outside at work by myself. Who does that?  It's crazy behaviour and i just cant stop myself from doing it.

This is hard on Marty and the girls. They are missing out on things because i just cant face my fear! Marty is struggling to understand his wife that he tells me is strong and confident be a scared little girl! He is trying so hard not to push me and i thank him for that but i feel I'm not being fair on him or my girls. How do i find it? How do i jump back on the horse? How do you face your fear and not crumple into a heap? I'm trapped and my head is a very strange place!

So each day is baby steps towards the freedom that awaits me on the other side of the doors. Each day I'm trying to trick my crazy head that I'm OK and just take another step. Hopefully i can do this for my girls in the coming weeks so they don't miss out on the show because their scared Mummy cant face her demons. I'm sure they will hold my hand and Marty will be the back bone i need to get through it.

I'm the cowardly lion in the Wizard of Oz. I want someone to give me my courage but like you all know, it's already there i just have to find it again!