The art of the invisible 

In life events and circumstances happen I believe that define, change and make us who we are. They help us grow and change, which means our lives grow richer, happier and fuller. At the moment I'm watching someone at the moment let certain events define how they handle a relationship in their life in almost a negative way. 

I am seeing this person let a person they love very much treat them as almost invisible. Treat them with little respect, love and be almost nasty toward anything they hold dear. This event although significant and I can totally understand their reasoning for not rocking the boat, is actually creating a bigger divide then saying something would. 

This person is beautiful, genuine and loving yet they seem to fail to receive the love they desire from the person they need it from the most. It's hard watching this and hearing how they feel. Invisibility really is a nasty bitch. 

I know there is no easy fixes in life. I know that sometimes saying nothing is easier than opening a can of worms. I know that being invisible sucks hairy nuts. Yet this is what is to be faced and what life has set in front of you, me and everyone else. 

No one should ever hide who they are and how they feel. No one should be scared of the past affecting the future and no one should ever be invisible to the people who are meant to love them no questions asked. 

Hello stranger

It's been a seriously long time between drinks for myself and my blog. I battle a lot with the want to share my inner thoughts yet not wanting to at the same time. It's seriously a battle that over time has seen me share less and less. Yet today I feel the need to purge my inner monologue, for it is overflowing and begging to escape. 

Back in December my world started to implode. I let my one major weakness consume me until my head and what felt like my heart shattered into a million pieces. My fear has always been that Marty would one day wake up and realise he could do so much better. I know it's insane the man loves me more than is humanly possible, but I got a bee in my bonnet about it and let it consume me. 

When I fell back down into the rabbit hole of depression, you see the world differently, you see yourself differently and you think anyone who is in your life wants nothing to do with you. Crazy right? But the funny thing is I was crazy, depression and everything was just black. 

Once I hit the bottom I have worked very hard to get back to my normal self. Once I started medication, stopped listening to my inner chatter and started believing in the love that was around me, life got back on track. My heart has become whole again and my trust in what's in front of me is 100%. 

So today I felt like I needed to purge my happiness. I mean, life isn't always roses. It's real, it has ups and downs but the love I have in my life is freaking awesome.   

The only way I know how...

My heart breaks for your pain and I'm lost as to how to convey the strength I know a friend should have and be. Your hearts are breaking for the hole your poppabear has left from his fast disappearance. Poppabear's are a families protector and backbone and without them we feel lost in this big bad world. 

The shock of this will never makes sense and the anger of not being able to say goodbye will never go away. The only way I helped Marty through the same loss was to remind him of the good things his poppabear did for him. Remind him he is who he is because of some of his influence. The same goes for you. You are a truly beautiful and humble person and he helped create you. 

So the way I can remind you is your poppabear loved you more than you will ever know. I know this because we now, as parents know how much we love our kids. Your poppabear although not on this earth anymore, will always be with you all. He lives in everyone he leaves behind in your memories, your hearts and souls.  

As your friend I will always be here for you, no matter the great highs or the extremely tough lows. Your friend right till the end...

Raising girls

 I tend to never buy into the argument over what sex is easier to raise verse the other. How can I? I don't know any different, we were just blessed with four absolutely beautiful, head strong, blonde girls. Anyway, if I'm being truly honest raising CHILDREN, no matter what the sex is just hard. I say hard only because of how scared you are as a parent to fail. To do the wrong thing by these innocent minded young humans that can so easily be Moulded the wrong way. 

Marty and I have butted head a few times lately over the girls. When I say butted, this happens when we feel the other parent is needing some guidance with how to handle the situation. In the moment it seems like the other parent is critising but it's not. Marty and I are a team and you seriously have to work together. My aim is for us to be on the same page. 

I know there is a lot of single parents out there that don't get to bounce parenting ideas off of another person, have someone to tell you are doing a great job or even help to find your way back into the parenting path when it gets hard. I salute you, because your job is harder than mine. 

So at the moment we are again heading into unknown waters with the little ladies. They are almost young adults. Their needs are changing along with the moods. You know we all feel like parenting is hard in the moments we are living. I remember thinking when they were babies if the routine got messed up we were screwed, but we got through it. I remember how hard dinner (zoo hour) time was until it just wasn't a problem anymore. I know we will adjust to these changes and parenting although seems hard now, it will be easy compared to the next challenge. 

From one parent trying to raise great humans to another, I just want to say this job of ours is the hardest we will ever know and yet has the best perks and job satisfaction of any other. Raising humans!

What? Monday again!

I don't know about any of my other parent friends but Monday mornings in our house always just seem crap! It's funny how Monday-itis isn't just for adults. Kids seem to get it too, which is all good and well unless your the one having to keep them going so they can get out the door in time. So my morning went a little like this.....

6.25am Marty's alarm goes, which he snoozes on. 6.30am my alarm starts with a P!nk song on the radio playing in which I think I'm dreaming about until I finally come to. I switch it off only to face plant my pillow again. I lay there not quite awake until my pea size bladder screams at me to get up. Marty has a cuppa tea ready for me as he walks around waking the girls. The three little ones come down stairs one after the other. Hair disheveled and sleep still clinging to their eyes. 

The biggest girl is yet to surface. After 30 minutes of calling her name, I walk in and strip her of her Doona and sheet. I get a mouthful in a language that is from another planet. She finally gets up, complaining about her new school skirt being to puffy, like I can make her more curving with a twist of my wrist! She then grabs an up'n'go and walks out onto the deck. 

All the while the three little ones finish breakfast and get dressed. Amelia comes down in shorts which I say go and change and put your skort on. She argues, I yell, she yells, I yell some more she then says fine and storms off. I'm calling maya to come back inside or she will be late. Mills comes down after 10 minutes in a skirt, I say how will you do cricket practice in a skirt, she goes and changes again this time into a skort. Call Maya again. Put Georgia's hair in a ponytail. 

All the while I'm walking around tidying up so I can clean etc on my day off. I need to use the toilet, 2 kids want their hairs done. I say 'go do another job while I go to the bathroom'. Not even 5 minutes later I find Maya still out on the deck and now mills is swinging in the hammock. 

Wtf! I yell at both of them now, in my crazy mummy is losing her ever loving shit voice.  I address Amelia first who confirms she was not doing what she was told, I tell her to go pack her lunch. Onto Maya about her slowness and mills walks into Maya's room. Ok! Why are you in here mills? She replies, no lie 'I just wanted to look at Maya's desk'. Again WTF!!!

By this time we have 15minutes before the bus comes and only two kids have gotten ready. Oh and while all this stuff is happening, Miss Emerson insists on taking her guitar to school for show and tell. So it needs dusting off. Then she pipes up and says 'can you just tune it for me?'. Man I should have more grey hairs. 

I get them to the bus stop with a couple of minutes to spare. They all get kissed and told to have a great day. I love them terribly but Monday's suck hairy nuts.

 

From stepford wife and beyond....

Where do you rate yourself as a parent? How do you stack up amongst the stepford wives of your domaine? You know I used to worry about what other mothers thought of my parenting. I even tried to be like others. 

You know - label everything with little johnnies name, clothes were always clean and surely should be a brand better than target. Their bedrooms had to look a certain way. My house had to be cleaned within an inch of its life because at any moment a visitor would be a knocking. God forbid they see a few crumbs on the floor from lunch or toys everywhere. And above all else don't ever admit to not coping. That is blasphemy!!!!

It's safe to say I no longer live like this. Trying to keep up appearances is hard work and seriously no fun. My house now gets messy and if I don't want to tidy up, it's just that I could not be bothered. Some times I just don't wash up after dinner and seriously the world does not implode! 

I still love a clean house, don't mistake this as an admission that we now live like pigs. We just are real and a lot less stressed. It is handy the girls are older and take care of their things and tidy up after themselves (when asked).

 My parenting has changed too. I'm honest about my ups and downs. I don't think less or more of other parents because we all get this job with no previous training and learn as we go. I've learnt to be kinder to myself when I get cranky and yell. Im trying to raise 4 girls into women who should be respectful to them selves and others always. 

I sometimes fail at this parenting stuff. I question if the girls even like me let alone love me. Sometimes I have huge wins and feel like "I so have this stuff down" All in all this is a on the job learning experience that is not ever going to mirror another parents. 

Everything needs closure

In the last week I have had an epiphany of sorts. In recent years I have had falling outs with people over different things and it has made certain public outing awkward. You know why I think it's awkward because neither party said anything to each other's face. No closure was found in the end. No goodbyes were spoken. It was just friendship that suddenly stopped. 

Life has gone on and we all change but that tension is there whenever a public outing is on where all parties will be there.  So what I'm trying to say is everything deserves the respect of closure. We should have had it out but my heart and head were to broken to go back there. I obviously don't know why the other parties didn't ever want closure, their hate must have been too great. 

So that brings me to my epiphany. Don't ever argue without resolving it in someway no matter good or bad as the outcome. Don't leave things unsaid and always stand up for yourself no matter if it may hurt a friendship in the end. Closing a chapter although is hard can sometimes open doors to something far better and brighter than what you were scared to lose in the first place. 

How to admit...

I have seriously written six different posts in the last 9 weeks. Trying to come to terms with my life and how I am not ok. I have written, deleted, edited and then just left them there. In the drafts folder, not seeing the light of day. It's really ironic as that's how I have been about my depression. Wanting to share with my closest humans but just feeling like the biggest failure for ending back in this place. It was easier in my head, it was safe to hide until the medication made it hard to pretend. 

Pretend I was normal and life was dandy! Ha!! The first doctor gave me meds that made me sleep at night and not much else during my days. It wasn't seeming to do anything. I go back and say this and he gives me a new script and this is where things go south quickly. It knocks me out. Not just at night but for a practical 22 hours of the day. 

I say practical cause who needs to be awake ever? As far as the first doctor and then the second doctor whom I pleaded with didn't seem to think it was bad. The drugs made me feel out of it all the time and my want to self harm was crazy and that is not me. It scared me so much and I felt like my brain was disappearing quicker than I could save her. I left the room of this doctor as I couldn't believe she thought letting me ride out another 4-6weeks of these side effects was good for me, my family or anyone else around me. 

My world felt like it was imploding, my poor mum was witness to my very public melt down. I mean ugly crying ain't got anything on what crap was happening to me. Perfect strangers stared, mum was hearing my most honest thoughts for the first time and anyone who's knows me will know public emotion is a no go, nup, it's a 100% not happening because someone might see my flaws. 

My mum, my hero walked straight back in the doctors office and demanded I see my doctor who has a minimum six week waiting list, NOW! God love her she managed to make it happen and I just knew, finally I would see someone who will listen to me. Hear my flaws without judgement and be on my side! He changed my meds because he knows me and what I was telling him about the here and now was not my normal self. 

Now, the fog is starting to lift. My smiles are becoming real, my eyes aren't dark and sunken and I can talk. I'm still not reaching out to many people, that will happen with time (if your my friend and I haven't contacted you for awhile, be patient).  I'm being realistic about what I'm going through, where my heads at and how I'm going to get better sooner rather than later. 

I feel like I have half the tools to mend the ladder that will enable me to climb out of the rabbit hole that is depression. I have the motivation of my amazing family to heal my soul. I will be the friend I once was again to the people I have in my life. 

This is me Bx admitting I'm a little broken but I am still me deep down. 

The dark is scary

For the last few months my world has been very dark. No light has filtered into it. A cloud has cover my mind, body and soul. The depression I had fought a battle with and won a couple of years ago had clawed her nasty way back up and dragged me down into the rabbit hole. She crept up so slowly I never really knew I was changing, until one day life just seemed way to hard, way to sad and way to much for me to bare anymore. 

Although I knew what had happened and how I should get help. Getting help was the hardest to face. I felt like a failure for being back in this dark place. I was embarrassed to have admitt I was a mess again. The only person who knew I had fallen was Marty and as much as he wanted me to get some help, I just couldn't face it until I could recognise when I hit rock bottom. 

The dark completely claimed me a couple of weeks ago. The meds are starting to kick in, the side effects are 'lovely', my smiles are becoming real. I say real because I think I have had a fake one on my face for months and laughing had become minimal. With the hard stuff said, with this darkness comes clarity. I learnt a lot about myself the last time I went through this. 

This time it almost seems like a refined clarity on what I have learnt. It's clarity on existing relationships, clarity on how I should be as a parent, clarity on looking after me. Although I felt like a failure for being back here, I always knew I held strength to fight and strength to be better again, I'm just glad I have some amazing people around me who don't see me as weak but help empower my strength. 

So my days are more grey than black and even hold flashes of light. I laughed again over the weekend and Marty was just gazing at me as he hadn't seen me like it for a while. My protector is never far away and my girls are being amazing with me and my crazy head. 

Which way is up?

You know that feeling of being lost and not knowing which way to go. You think your heading towards the surface only to be going deeper under the way. The feeling of just plain failure, yet you just have run out of ideas on how to fix it. This is my life at the moment, well my parenting feels like this. I am seriously out of ideas on how to deal with kids who just want more no matter how much is given.

How do you get them to understand how rude it is to yell at their parents and argue that they are right and I'm wrong? How do you get them to understand the value of what has been given to them? How do you explain the difference between selfless and selfish in terms they will finally understand? And lastly how do you not just give up?

I tell you, I'm so close to just giving up. I just don't know how to deal with it anymore. I don't know how much I can give up to prove, they are always put first. I mean shit I even put martys wants before mine. I know this is a big moan but I can't help it. I'm seriously at a loss. 

I see all these happy mums out withy their kids and wonder what I'm freakig doing so wrong. So wrong that no outing is ever carefree. 

Give me a reason

I'm spiralling down into a dark place that I know well. I have tried to fight it and keep my head from going in but it seems I'm not so strong. My energy is lacking the fight it needs to hold onto my sanity. I'm weak and the cracks are showing. 

I'm pushing away the closest to me and the funniest part to the whole thing is I did this. I let this happen to me. I broke me by not standing up for my self. I crushed my own heart and stupidly thought I'd be fine. Funny how dumb ones mind can be when you give away too much of yourself. 

And I was dumb as I thought facing what hurt the most would fix it. Wrong! Not smart at all, it then lead to more hurt and pain along with creating a bigger divide between me and everything else. Inside my heart turned to dust and a smile became plastered on my face. How do you mould dust back together? 

Stress has also played her part here. Money... That horrible thing always rears its ugly head. She is a cruel bitch who laughs and stabs you while your down. Anyway, while this situation will be better soon, my head and heart will take time to heal. 

I'm angry at myself for letting me get back here. Maybe I'm meant to live my life at the bottom of a dark, cold and scary hole. Maybe it could just swallow me and save me anymore pain. As much as I want to say I'll fight, the will is just not there. The jigsaw is messed up and too many pieces seem to be missing.