big shoes, big fall

So I’m a mum of 4 young women. No real news there. My house is filled with vaginas and I have always loved it. I mean I yearned for a little man, for a long time, I think because social norms told me I was defective for not producing one. Anyway, I got side tracked. The challenges for the last 6+ months in our house for one of our young ladies has been slowly escalating and we have tried everything to get her to see past her own wants, needs and desires. 

My heart had started to show shows of breaking apart, because what she was saying and doing was slowly tearing our world apart. It’s been like the cancer that had already smashed our world into pieces was regrouping and sinking it’s teeth into whoever was left. The behaviour has been escalating where fierce verbal arguments seemed to becoming a daily occurrence. 

These fights were like a finely balanced glass ball on top of a very busy life of juggling work, single parent living half the month, study for my course and making sure the rest of my humans weren’t being to affect by this monster. I’ve scream, I’ve cried in the shower where I hope no one could hear me, I’ve begged the heavens to just give my Mum back because I can’t do this and then I’ve also begged the heavens to take me away. 

At times I question whether my depression will just grab me from behind and pull me back off the ledge. The thought scares me because I have worked so hard to be the best version of myself when my world has been a struggle. The difference between it winning or losing at the moment is I’m being honest about how sad this is making me. 

The last two weeks the fights have been coming more frequently. We almost could go a week, then it was every 4 days and now it’s been everyday. She is walking around, like a human shell of what she once was. No smiling, barely talking and then when she would talk, it would barely be a minute before she erupted because she didn’t like what was being said. 

I’ve openly said I don’t know how to help anymore and then it happened. Everyone told her how she made them feel. Tears fell like rain on a dusty paddock, it was cleansing. It hurt to see everyone has been hurting because of the arguments but we all needed to know how everyone was feeling. She needed to know how it was affecting her sisters and to see the pain in her strong Dads face. 

So since this happening last week, we have reached out to professionals for help. The fighting and arguing that is present in our house is not normal for our home and we need to help her. She wanted to runaway and this scared the crap out of me when I found the bags. Inside of this angry human, we know lives a beautiful human who is just hidden at the moment. 

Being a parent is a very solo journey that we rarely share our hard times of. It becomes very isolating and we are all guilty of thinking that the grass is always greener somewhere else. This moment in my journey is requiring great strength, that at times I just have not had. I feel a huge pressure to be better than I’m being and the fear of failure is huge. I feel the huge shoes that need to be filled from my Mum. Shoes I’m struggling to fill, but know I have to keep growing so I can one day. I need to be more for the girls and myself. 

4 0

So this is only around a month late in doing, but how time flies when we are in the middle of a pandemic. Last month two major milestones collided like a meteor hitting the earth. I turned the naughty forty, argh how it pains me to speak this out loud. I do not feel forty, I’m told I don’t look forty but seriously people are just being nice and while this major milestone occurred so did the 1st anniversary of Mum’s passing.

I had struggled a lot in the weeks prior to my birthday. Struggled with my loss, struggled with having to share this moment which should be joy with profound sadness, struggled with not wanting to admit how much I was still hurting and struggled with the fact age although just a number is scaring the f*ck out of me. 

So the morning of my birthday, which I honestly thought would be hell as my grief would consume me, was in fact beautiful. I woke to Marty’s warmth behind me and a sense of calm and peace. It was like Mum was holding me too. My day was filled with such love and joy from my girls love, to the kids at work who brought me in not 1 but 3 cakes, which was overwhelmingly lovely, the staff for being beautiful and to the dinner with decorations and favourite pastries, that awaited me when I got home. 

It was like the day I had dreaded became a day of joy. Not because she is gone but because she wouldn’t want me to not be happy. Her dying on my birthday although was terrible, it is now and will be forever her greatest gift to me. To not see her suffer anymore, to not see my beautiful strong Mum in pain. That is how I will forever treat her anniversary and my birthday from now on. 

So before the country went into lock down we celebrated my birth with a party that was pure extra. Extra in every way! We ate great food, with all my people and the cocktails were pure (very strong) decadence. Laughter and joy echoed through the star lit night. I’m forever grateful for the humans we do life with, their love and friendship is life’s greatest gift. 

Being forty is not what I thought, it’s not the end. I feel like I am stronger than I ever have been. I’m more grounded in who I truly am. Big love, Bx

How we are...

Oh my oh my, where on earth do I start? Life has been so up and down the last few months. We have moments of pure joy and clarity and then we slide straight down the roller coaster at pace to serious lows. Hormones are at maximum level, which ensures emotions are on point. At the very centre feels to be me. Trying to navigate everyone’s emotions, love everyone completely and be kind enough to myself to be a better version than I feel I’m being of myself. 

Of late I could literally run from the house and never look back. I know it’s so wrong, but if I’m honest, I’m sure I’m not alone in feeling like this sometimes. Being a parent isn’t always perfect insta photos and rainbows. It’s sometimes just crazy hard. Hard because you love these humans so much it hurts when they are being just plain horrible to you. 

I think these feelings are made even harder when people tell me how lovely our girls are. How we are raising amazing humans and that we should be so proud. Don’t get me wrong, who doesn’t want to here your kids are being good, yet having someone tell me I should write a book about how to get your kids to be amazing, was a little shock. This request was hard not to laugh at as I knew that only moments before I was losing my ever loving crap about one them about their behaviours. 

It is a bit of a double edge sword, because it makes me stupidly happy the girls are good for other people. Present themselves correctly and show respect and have manners, yet on the other hand, I’d love to not have to be the angry Mum always yelling at them to stop being shit humans to me or each other. 

So here in lies where we are. We are sitting in a limbo of almost repeating the same conversations daily and it’s wearing me down. I really hate sounding like I’m moaning but I feel like I need someone to give me some different ideas on how to get off the roller coaster, to maintain an even footing on life and have just a few more rainbows than dark stormy clouds. 

the secret life of teenagers

Life of late has been a blur of just getting through every day. Trying to be there for everyone while not drowning in my own grief. In saying that, I still have not managed to keep everyone together. In all honesty, I feel like I’m failing big time. 

Over the weekend, I opened my eyes to my Mills and acknowledged the change in her behaviour. I discovered a lot of truths that made me upset but mostly it just hurt to know I hadn’t been paying enough attention. I have been walking around the past few months with my own grief held tight inside me. Trying to keep everyone going but without really seeing anyone or their needs. I failed them and myself. 

So I’m lost, lost in how I guide her to do the right thing by herself always. To be her true authentic self without having to pretend she is something she isn’t just to be friends with certain people. To teach her, her worth and to value true friends that would never ask her to change. This seems easy to say but hard to do. You see, she is a head strong young lady who we created. 

This wild, creative and beautiful creature is her own person, who is fiercely independent. She has always been the quiet achiever and lately has almost disappeared from family life. Hiding away in her room. Taking sanctuary from home life,which we had noticed and had tried to encourage a change. This want came to a head over the weekend. 

I opened my eyes, not really prepared to find what I seen but I put my big girl panties on and dealt with it. In her eyes I’m probably the Monster for the punishment she received but learning boundaries is key. Learning to respect yourself and living a life filled with love and trust from the people who love you most in this life. I know she will get through this rough patch of finding her feet in this world, it’s just she can’t see the bigger picture yet. 

In all of this, the one person I wanted to ask for guidance, was the one person I couldn’t. Although Marty and I work as an infathomable team, my Mum was the one that would always confirm what Marty said. ‘I am doing a great job’ or ‘you’re an amazing mother’. Her reassurance, although just words, was enough. 

I love being my girls mother. They teach me probably more than I teach them. They are all unique, all beautiful and all bound to be amazing adults. This week has just been a bump in one of their roads. A bump that hopefully will spring her forward into clearer waters. 

Kiss My Fat Ass

So I don't know about anyone else my age, but I know that growing up I was very critical of how my body looked. Other girls were critical of my body and vice versa. Body shaming was normal, fat was not accepted, eating disorders reined supreme and being comfortable in swimwear seemed abnormal.

It seemed no matter what size we were, what looked back at you in the mirror was always less than perfect. So much of my teen years I hated and now at almost 39 the scars of those years are still so strong. I find it even harder as I have 4 beautiful daughters that I run a fine line of making sure they never doubt themselves all the while I struggle with my own self esteem. So of late I have really felt I need to change these feelings and doubts I have in myself, to finally be the best version of myself.

This want for change has been growing and seemed to hit fever pitch after I purchased a bikini while we were on holidays. I wore it while we were away and felt confident, which secretly was because the only people that knew me were Marty and the girls. We arrive home to our small country town and I wear it once to the local pool and bam! Insecure Sally arrives and I clam up. Self doubt and wanting to cover up was all the thoughts that were going through my head. Yet my want to be proud of the fact I've lost 5kgs, my thighs no longer over lap and my arse does have less dimples than it did last summer due to a simple plan of moving more and eating cleaner.

Like a light bulb switches on as people I am following on Instagram, they all start thinking the same way. Self love is what we need to do. Stop comparing ourselves to unrealistic and photoshopped perfection. Stop judging ourselves so harshly and stop trying to compete with every woman on the planet. To embrace my daughters attitude that 'Everybody has a swimsuit body!' Its funny how you as the adult are meant to be the teacher to your children, but in this moment of my thought process, they are teaching me. To love myself, be proud of the skin I live in and to remember that this body has done some amazing things by growing four humans.

So I today I took a photo of my backside in the afore mentioned bikini and am determine to be ok with how it looks. Own my curves and love myself sick! #kissmyfatass

the end is near

It’s funny how as the year starts to rush towards its end, I find myself reflecting on all that the last 12 months has held for my little family. It has seriously been a bumping ride, but one that has changed us deeply. At times it felt like we were toys in a kids box that a crazy toddler had upended all over the floor. Scattered thoughts, lives and emotions were sometimes overwhelming. 2018 has been one I have said at times, I wish it would end, yet I will always be thankful for the time it has given us. 

The year actually started better than the previous one had ended. We had had the worst Christmas Day we have ever had. Family fights had nothing on what occurred that day. Horrible behaviour and one sided truths were exposed. My kids witnessed human behaviour at its worst and I made a promise after seeing the hurt in their eyes that I will never let that happened to them again. I lost my brother that day, he isn’t dead but let’s just say I don’t have a sibling anymore. The new year started with a party with friends, joyful and it held promise of better times. 

January passed without any real issues, then Mum got sick. It started with a tooth ache, then she got an infection, then pneumonia was diagnosed, then they found a mass! Our lives felt like we were on a merry go round for the next few months. Scan after scan, appointments with lung specialist, oncologists, nurses and gp. I was juggling strongly, full time work, 4 kids with lots of commitments, still building our house and a husband. It was wearing me down and something had to give. 

By May I had to say goodbye to working. I just was struggling to be everything to everyone. It wasn’t an easy choice to make as i had worked hard to be where I was at work. But Time with my family and being able to help without letting people down was all I kept thinking of.  I needed to do the right things for the present situation. This in turn meant changes again to our family dynamic. Marty had to change jobs to facilitate this as well and the only way to do this was for him to go back to the mines. 

The girls have all grown so much this year. My heart some says yearns for their toddler selves to reappear. The women they are becoming are extrodinary. Maya is this beautiful, smart woman, Amelia is creative without trying and has a voice that makes me pause every time, Georgia is super smart without realising it and still is determine to have thousands of cats and Emerson has morphed into this mature, gentle and caring human that is at complete odds with the toddler she once was. I’m struggling with the years going so quickly because I’m just not ready for them to be grown, I really do think they are all my very best friends. 

The months since have been filled with adjustment to our new normal. Treating cancer as a new member of the family, dealing with being a single parent every other week and then having to readjust each other week to having a live in husband again. Learning to find time for myself and knowing that some days it’s just ok to not be ok. 

Normally I would be planning the new year and thinking of all the things I would love to do and achieve but I’m not doing that this year. This year I don’t know what the new year will hold but I do know I will tackle it with love. Love for my amazing girls, my selfless husband and for my parents that brought me into the world that now need me to be their rock. 

just a touch of cancer

My want to write, download, share and vent has been at its maximum lately. Yet it feels weird, like a friend I have fallen out of touch with. I love writing and have even started the book I have talked about doing, but my blog has been a little neglected. I think I just start to doubt why I share and why anyone would want to read about it? The thing is about blogging it’s more for the writer than the reader. It’s an outlet to share and in doing so gives others a chance to understand another’s inner workings. 

The last seven months have pasted by with almost a dark cloud hanging over our family. The big C entered our family with my strong mum being diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. Our family structure has changed greatly. I stopped working, Marty changed jobs to allow this, dinners are cooked for 8 and endless trips to the doctors and hospitals. In all this my mum has never not  been positive. 

I have struggled with the positive thinking, I’ll admit.   Tears a plenty have been shed, screaming inside my car when no one was around and sleepless nights caused from a mind that couldn’t stop thinking. Then something small like the sight of a full moon in a sky full of stars or the arms of your child wrapping around you bring you back to what’s great and real in this life. 

With this positivity Ive gained perspective on everything. Life is not a given right, time is not endless and getting caught up in things your can’t change only gives you stress. Mum has just a touch of cancer and we will help her fight as long as she can to beat this horrible monster. 

20 years

Last night was my 20 year high school reunion. I mean 20 years has past since high school. To say I feel freaking old is an understatement, it feels like only yesterday. As the date approached my anxiety grew, bad memories of high school plagued me. Dreams of turning up and no one recognises you, No one talks to you or even worse! I know right, crazy thoughts but high school was a tough place where even when on the outside you seem to have your shit together inside you were still small and insecure. 

So last night happened and wow, it was great! I recognised 99% of people and everyone was beautiful. No one has really changed physically but we are all adults now and amazingly human! We all laughed and talked about life. There was no pissing competitions about “how great my life is” or “I’m better than you” going on. 

I may have fan girled over one of my school friends working on a tv channel that I absolutely love, sorry Gill! This reunion is one reason why social media is great, I feel like I knew so much about everyone. It made conversations easy as we although not close in real life, are still relevant in each other’s lives, no matter what paths our lives have taken. 

Last night was proof we all grow and evolve. That who we were in high school does not define our lives and that once you get to our stages in life we can all find common ground on bad parenting, work and love. See you all soon x

slept it off

I sit here in the passenger seat of the car as smells like teen spirit plays around me because my teenage daughter has been imprinted with our music. I'm reflecting on the last twenty four hours and wondering what the fuck happened. 

Work was crazy yesterday filled with drama which thankfully was nothing to do with me. I got home crazy tired as usual for a Friday, with packing for the snow to be done. This is where the day went completely south! My girls had packed there bags and I seconded guessed them being pack properly for cold conditions. My thoughts were confirmed when I find minimal clothes in one bag, summer outfits in another and dirty socks with umteen jackets in the third bag! My sense of control was lost and the yelling began over what the hell were they thinking. 

Then the guilt came as an aftermath. I had screamed like a lunatic, maybe even dropped the F bomb which I am not proud of. Tears streamed down my face as I hide in my bathroom trying to figure out how other mothers do it. How do they be everything to everyone? How do they never loose their crap? How they juggle work, family and the house and still have time for themselves? 

The girls, like most kids I imagine, were sorry but didn't really understand why mummy was not happy. They went to bed all still saying I love you and I went to bed feeling like to worst mummy ever. Sleep came to me with some strange dreams which I expected. We awake to head to the snow and the girls act as though nothing has occurred only 12 hours earlier. They laugh and giggle and snuggle into us when they get up. 

My heart is happy they seem to still love me but my head struggles trying to work out how to fix my short comings. But how? I'm human and kids/parenting doesn't come with a handbook. So as I sit here and turn and look at my girls all reading or singing I know that sleeping on it and letting go is how you have to handle the guilt of not being amazing all the time. Next stop snow fields. 

Its time

Hello old friend. A friend I haven't seen or talked to in a long while. I have missed you so much but every time I would want to check in with you my voice would seem to fade. Almost become mute to share anything about me. Unable to reach out and say hello. Our friendship has been on rocky terrain and it had nothing to do with you it was all me! Ever since we became friends at one of my darkest moments, my voice got tired. Tired of sharing my one sided story. I started to feel very exposed in this place.

My friendship with my blog has been at almost a Mexican stand off. I would start to write and then stop for a silly fear of why should I share. I love writing, it was something I never enjoyed in my teen years. In the last few weeks my need to be friends again and write about my about my life, my internal ramblings and just plain shitfull parenting has been almost screaming at me. 

Our girls are all growing and changing now at a rapid pace. Life's lessons are starting to happen and teaching them how to handle really hard and sometimes hurtful situations are seeming the norm at the moment. I seriously after dealing with two things tonight, looked at the dog and thought we should have just had dogs. 

Being a parent is like trying to navigate a foreign planets terrain with no map. The girls issues are so very real to them and if we handle them wrong it may affect their life choices. Their hearts are starting to learn that not everyone is who they seem to be, not everyone is nice and most importantly not everyone will like them. This last point I think hurts them the most as they just want to be friends with everyone. 

I know that last point has plagued my life. I struggle still not understanding someone hating another without truly knowing that person. Anyway, working 40+ hours a week, juggling a house still under construction, 4 girls full of emotion and still finding time to love on my man candy feels more like a game of dodge ball than gracefull juggling. 

Talk again soon....

The art of the invisible 

In life events and circumstances happen I believe that define, change and make us who we are. They help us grow and change, which means our lives grow richer, happier and fuller. At the moment I'm watching someone at the moment let certain events define how they handle a relationship in their life in almost a negative way. 

I am seeing this person let a person they love very much treat them as almost invisible. Treat them with little respect, love and be almost nasty toward anything they hold dear. This event although significant and I can totally understand their reasoning for not rocking the boat, is actually creating a bigger divide then saying something would. 

This person is beautiful, genuine and loving yet they seem to fail to receive the love they desire from the person they need it from the most. It's hard watching this and hearing how they feel. Invisibility really is a nasty bitch. 

I know there is no easy fixes in life. I know that sometimes saying nothing is easier than opening a can of worms. I know that being invisible sucks hairy nuts. Yet this is what is to be faced and what life has set in front of you, me and everyone else. 

No one should ever hide who they are and how they feel. No one should be scared of the past affecting the future and no one should ever be invisible to the people who are meant to love them no questions asked. 

Hello stranger

It's been a seriously long time between drinks for myself and my blog. I battle a lot with the want to share my inner thoughts yet not wanting to at the same time. It's seriously a battle that over time has seen me share less and less. Yet today I feel the need to purge my inner monologue, for it is overflowing and begging to escape. 

Back in December my world started to implode. I let my one major weakness consume me until my head and what felt like my heart shattered into a million pieces. My fear has always been that Marty would one day wake up and realise he could do so much better. I know it's insane the man loves me more than is humanly possible, but I got a bee in my bonnet about it and let it consume me. 

When I fell back down into the rabbit hole of depression, you see the world differently, you see yourself differently and you think anyone who is in your life wants nothing to do with you. Crazy right? But the funny thing is I was crazy, depression and everything was just black. 

Once I hit the bottom I have worked very hard to get back to my normal self. Once I started medication, stopped listening to my inner chatter and started believing in the love that was around me, life got back on track. My heart has become whole again and my trust in what's in front of me is 100%. 

So today I felt like I needed to purge my happiness. I mean, life isn't always roses. It's real, it has ups and downs but the love I have in my life is freaking awesome.   

The only way I know how...

My heart breaks for your pain and I'm lost as to how to convey the strength I know a friend should have and be. Your hearts are breaking for the hole your poppabear has left from his fast disappearance. Poppabear's are a families protector and backbone and without them we feel lost in this big bad world. 

The shock of this will never makes sense and the anger of not being able to say goodbye will never go away. The only way I helped Marty through the same loss was to remind him of the good things his poppabear did for him. Remind him he is who he is because of some of his influence. The same goes for you. You are a truly beautiful and humble person and he helped create you. 

So the way I can remind you is your poppabear loved you more than you will ever know. I know this because we now, as parents know how much we love our kids. Your poppabear although not on this earth anymore, will always be with you all. He lives in everyone he leaves behind in your memories, your hearts and souls.  

As your friend I will always be here for you, no matter the great highs or the extremely tough lows. Your friend right till the end...

Raising girls

 I tend to never buy into the argument over what sex is easier to raise verse the other. How can I? I don't know any different, we were just blessed with four absolutely beautiful, head strong, blonde girls. Anyway, if I'm being truly honest raising CHILDREN, no matter what the sex is just hard. I say hard only because of how scared you are as a parent to fail. To do the wrong thing by these innocent minded young humans that can so easily be Moulded the wrong way. 

Marty and I have butted head a few times lately over the girls. When I say butted, this happens when we feel the other parent is needing some guidance with how to handle the situation. In the moment it seems like the other parent is critising but it's not. Marty and I are a team and you seriously have to work together. My aim is for us to be on the same page. 

I know there is a lot of single parents out there that don't get to bounce parenting ideas off of another person, have someone to tell you are doing a great job or even help to find your way back into the parenting path when it gets hard. I salute you, because your job is harder than mine. 

So at the moment we are again heading into unknown waters with the little ladies. They are almost young adults. Their needs are changing along with the moods. You know we all feel like parenting is hard in the moments we are living. I remember thinking when they were babies if the routine got messed up we were screwed, but we got through it. I remember how hard dinner (zoo hour) time was until it just wasn't a problem anymore. I know we will adjust to these changes and parenting although seems hard now, it will be easy compared to the next challenge. 

From one parent trying to raise great humans to another, I just want to say this job of ours is the hardest we will ever know and yet has the best perks and job satisfaction of any other. Raising humans!

What? Monday again!

I don't know about any of my other parent friends but Monday mornings in our house always just seem crap! It's funny how Monday-itis isn't just for adults. Kids seem to get it too, which is all good and well unless your the one having to keep them going so they can get out the door in time. So my morning went a little like this.....

6.25am Marty's alarm goes, which he snoozes on. 6.30am my alarm starts with a P!nk song on the radio playing in which I think I'm dreaming about until I finally come to. I switch it off only to face plant my pillow again. I lay there not quite awake until my pea size bladder screams at me to get up. Marty has a cuppa tea ready for me as he walks around waking the girls. The three little ones come down stairs one after the other. Hair disheveled and sleep still clinging to their eyes. 

The biggest girl is yet to surface. After 30 minutes of calling her name, I walk in and strip her of her Doona and sheet. I get a mouthful in a language that is from another planet. She finally gets up, complaining about her new school skirt being to puffy, like I can make her more curving with a twist of my wrist! She then grabs an up'n'go and walks out onto the deck. 

All the while the three little ones finish breakfast and get dressed. Amelia comes down in shorts which I say go and change and put your skort on. She argues, I yell, she yells, I yell some more she then says fine and storms off. I'm calling maya to come back inside or she will be late. Mills comes down after 10 minutes in a skirt, I say how will you do cricket practice in a skirt, she goes and changes again this time into a skort. Call Maya again. Put Georgia's hair in a ponytail. 

All the while I'm walking around tidying up so I can clean etc on my day off. I need to use the toilet, 2 kids want their hairs done. I say 'go do another job while I go to the bathroom'. Not even 5 minutes later I find Maya still out on the deck and now mills is swinging in the hammock. 

Wtf! I yell at both of them now, in my crazy mummy is losing her ever loving shit voice.  I address Amelia first who confirms she was not doing what she was told, I tell her to go pack her lunch. Onto Maya about her slowness and mills walks into Maya's room. Ok! Why are you in here mills? She replies, no lie 'I just wanted to look at Maya's desk'. Again WTF!!!

By this time we have 15minutes before the bus comes and only two kids have gotten ready. Oh and while all this stuff is happening, Miss Emerson insists on taking her guitar to school for show and tell. So it needs dusting off. Then she pipes up and says 'can you just tune it for me?'. Man I should have more grey hairs. 

I get them to the bus stop with a couple of minutes to spare. They all get kissed and told to have a great day. I love them terribly but Monday's suck hairy nuts.

 

From stepford wife and beyond....

Where do you rate yourself as a parent? How do you stack up amongst the stepford wives of your domaine? You know I used to worry about what other mothers thought of my parenting. I even tried to be like others. 

You know - label everything with little johnnies name, clothes were always clean and surely should be a brand better than target. Their bedrooms had to look a certain way. My house had to be cleaned within an inch of its life because at any moment a visitor would be a knocking. God forbid they see a few crumbs on the floor from lunch or toys everywhere. And above all else don't ever admit to not coping. That is blasphemy!!!!

It's safe to say I no longer live like this. Trying to keep up appearances is hard work and seriously no fun. My house now gets messy and if I don't want to tidy up, it's just that I could not be bothered. Some times I just don't wash up after dinner and seriously the world does not implode! 

I still love a clean house, don't mistake this as an admission that we now live like pigs. We just are real and a lot less stressed. It is handy the girls are older and take care of their things and tidy up after themselves (when asked).

 My parenting has changed too. I'm honest about my ups and downs. I don't think less or more of other parents because we all get this job with no previous training and learn as we go. I've learnt to be kinder to myself when I get cranky and yell. Im trying to raise 4 girls into women who should be respectful to them selves and others always. 

I sometimes fail at this parenting stuff. I question if the girls even like me let alone love me. Sometimes I have huge wins and feel like "I so have this stuff down" All in all this is a on the job learning experience that is not ever going to mirror another parents. 

Everything needs closure

In the last week I have had an epiphany of sorts. In recent years I have had falling outs with people over different things and it has made certain public outing awkward. You know why I think it's awkward because neither party said anything to each other's face. No closure was found in the end. No goodbyes were spoken. It was just friendship that suddenly stopped. 

Life has gone on and we all change but that tension is there whenever a public outing is on where all parties will be there.  So what I'm trying to say is everything deserves the respect of closure. We should have had it out but my heart and head were to broken to go back there. I obviously don't know why the other parties didn't ever want closure, their hate must have been too great. 

So that brings me to my epiphany. Don't ever argue without resolving it in someway no matter good or bad as the outcome. Don't leave things unsaid and always stand up for yourself no matter if it may hurt a friendship in the end. Closing a chapter although is hard can sometimes open doors to something far better and brighter than what you were scared to lose in the first place. 

How to admit...

I have seriously written six different posts in the last 9 weeks. Trying to come to terms with my life and how I am not ok. I have written, deleted, edited and then just left them there. In the drafts folder, not seeing the light of day. It's really ironic as that's how I have been about my depression. Wanting to share with my closest humans but just feeling like the biggest failure for ending back in this place. It was easier in my head, it was safe to hide until the medication made it hard to pretend. 

Pretend I was normal and life was dandy! Ha!! The first doctor gave me meds that made me sleep at night and not much else during my days. It wasn't seeming to do anything. I go back and say this and he gives me a new script and this is where things go south quickly. It knocks me out. Not just at night but for a practical 22 hours of the day. 

I say practical cause who needs to be awake ever? As far as the first doctor and then the second doctor whom I pleaded with didn't seem to think it was bad. The drugs made me feel out of it all the time and my want to self harm was crazy and that is not me. It scared me so much and I felt like my brain was disappearing quicker than I could save her. I left the room of this doctor as I couldn't believe she thought letting me ride out another 4-6weeks of these side effects was good for me, my family or anyone else around me. 

My world felt like it was imploding, my poor mum was witness to my very public melt down. I mean ugly crying ain't got anything on what crap was happening to me. Perfect strangers stared, mum was hearing my most honest thoughts for the first time and anyone who's knows me will know public emotion is a no go, nup, it's a 100% not happening because someone might see my flaws. 

My mum, my hero walked straight back in the doctors office and demanded I see my doctor who has a minimum six week waiting list, NOW! God love her she managed to make it happen and I just knew, finally I would see someone who will listen to me. Hear my flaws without judgement and be on my side! He changed my meds because he knows me and what I was telling him about the here and now was not my normal self. 

Now, the fog is starting to lift. My smiles are becoming real, my eyes aren't dark and sunken and I can talk. I'm still not reaching out to many people, that will happen with time (if your my friend and I haven't contacted you for awhile, be patient).  I'm being realistic about what I'm going through, where my heads at and how I'm going to get better sooner rather than later. 

I feel like I have half the tools to mend the ladder that will enable me to climb out of the rabbit hole that is depression. I have the motivation of my amazing family to heal my soul. I will be the friend I once was again to the people I have in my life. 

This is me Bx admitting I'm a little broken but I am still me deep down. 

The dark is scary

For the last few months my world has been very dark. No light has filtered into it. A cloud has cover my mind, body and soul. The depression I had fought a battle with and won a couple of years ago had clawed her nasty way back up and dragged me down into the rabbit hole. She crept up so slowly I never really knew I was changing, until one day life just seemed way to hard, way to sad and way to much for me to bare anymore. 

Although I knew what had happened and how I should get help. Getting help was the hardest to face. I felt like a failure for being back in this dark place. I was embarrassed to have admitt I was a mess again. The only person who knew I had fallen was Marty and as much as he wanted me to get some help, I just couldn't face it until I could recognise when I hit rock bottom. 

The dark completely claimed me a couple of weeks ago. The meds are starting to kick in, the side effects are 'lovely', my smiles are becoming real. I say real because I think I have had a fake one on my face for months and laughing had become minimal. With the hard stuff said, with this darkness comes clarity. I learnt a lot about myself the last time I went through this. 

This time it almost seems like a refined clarity on what I have learnt. It's clarity on existing relationships, clarity on how I should be as a parent, clarity on looking after me. Although I felt like a failure for being back here, I always knew I held strength to fight and strength to be better again, I'm just glad I have some amazing people around me who don't see me as weak but help empower my strength. 

So my days are more grey than black and even hold flashes of light. I laughed again over the weekend and Marty was just gazing at me as he hadn't seen me like it for a while. My protector is never far away and my girls are being amazing with me and my crazy head. 

Which way is up?

You know that feeling of being lost and not knowing which way to go. You think your heading towards the surface only to be going deeper under the way. The feeling of just plain failure, yet you just have run out of ideas on how to fix it. This is my life at the moment, well my parenting feels like this. I am seriously out of ideas on how to deal with kids who just want more no matter how much is given.

How do you get them to understand how rude it is to yell at their parents and argue that they are right and I'm wrong? How do you get them to understand the value of what has been given to them? How do you explain the difference between selfless and selfish in terms they will finally understand? And lastly how do you not just give up?

I tell you, I'm so close to just giving up. I just don't know how to deal with it anymore. I don't know how much I can give up to prove, they are always put first. I mean shit I even put martys wants before mine. I know this is a big moan but I can't help it. I'm seriously at a loss. 

I see all these happy mums out withy their kids and wonder what I'm freakig doing so wrong. So wrong that no outing is ever carefree.